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He lifts a veil to reveal a roofless wooden enclosure that is essentially a natural plunge pool with fresh mountain spring water trickling into it, flower petals floating on the surface creating a calming, aromatic perfume and pretty stonework around the outside. ‘Zee Sacred Pool of Healing Tears. Vee vill return in one hour. Enjoy.’ He bows, doing namaste hands before disappearing.
As the midday sun beats down on us through the gap in the trees, a refreshing dip is exactly what the doctor ordered, but I didn’t think to bring swimwear. ‘What do we need to do?’ I ask. ‘Retreating yourself wasn’t part of the Triple Worry Plus package.’
‘It wasn’t part of the Happy Bunny package either,’ says Oliver, already stripping off. ‘But I’d certainly be grateful for a cool down.’
He slides into the pool naked and lets out a contented sigh. Yet again, this retreat has me venturing outside my comfort zone. Everything about this place is certainly unconventional. I take a deep inhale and glance about to make sure no one is around and step out of my dress. Oliver watches me like a hawk as I peel down the straps of my bra and let it fall to the ground. His jaw falls open when I hook my fingers into the sides of my knickers and slide them down my thighs. He holds out his hand to help me step down into the refreshing, cool water. It is immediately soothing and peaceful. The sensation of being naked with Oliver, outdoors, open to the elements in natural spring water, is like nothing I’ve experienced. We take a moment to allow Mother Nature’s energy to flow through us, breathing in the fresh forest air as we float face up in the water.
Oliver is first to speak. ‘I’m very grateful to have found you.’
‘I’m very grateful to have found you,’ I repeat.
‘I’m very grateful to be here.’ Oliver’s eyes are twinkling as he trails the back of his fingers down my neck. He keeps going, causing my pulse to race. When his fingers disappear below the water and find themselves between my thighs, I gasp.
‘I’m very grateful to be here… too.’ I arch into him as he draws delicious circles, triggering a build-up of heat within my nether regions. He draws it out of me tantalisingly slowly until I feel like I’m about to explode. ‘I’d be even more grateful if you…’
Oliver’s mouth claims mine in a long, hard kiss fuelled with desire as wave after wave of pleasure courses through me.
* * *
An hour later, we are dressed and I have piled my damp hair up into a messy bun just as Gandalf enters through the veil. He was right about Gratitude Bathing. It was the most erotic thing I’ve ever done. It was wild. I feel exhilarated. Grateful to be alive. Oliver’s cheeks are glowing brighter than the sun. Gandalf looks quizzically at my damp hair and then at the plunge pool then at my hair again.
‘Zis eez Sacred Pool of Healing Tears. It eez for taking sip using utensils provided und for meditating.’ He points to the wooden ladles poking from a vase and the prayer mats rolled up neatly beside the pool that we somehow missed completely. ‘Eez not for washing your hair.’
Oliver gives Gandalf an innocent smile while a pornographic film reel of me bouncing up and down on Oliver while he plunged my depths in the Sacred Pool of Healing Tears flashes into my mind.
* * *
The following day, people have started arriving for the event of the century. I fear Ava may have oversold it but at least we’ve had plenty of interest. Across the crowded room, I spot Boring Berry cowering alone in the far corner of the office, having turned up two hours early after his bowling club lunch, and I cannot resist. I go over, grabbing Juniper on route.
‘Juniper, I’d like you to meet Berry. Berry, Juniper.’
Honestly, if that’s not a match made in heaven, what is?
I leave them after a few moments when they latch on to beetroot as a secure topic of conversation, and make my way, meeting and greeting across the room.
I spot Mrs Fanny, the author, chatting to Wendy, the nice Zoom lady, who has brought all her menfellas along. They are mingling with the Welsh rugby team who have come along on the last day of their ‘bonding’ holiday to make it look like they haven’t just spent it boozing. And from what I can see, Squinty, the captain, has taken a real shine to Wendy. She is positively glowing, and he appears to be taking her number. I think we may have just made our first perfect match.
There is much excitement in the room.
Mrs Fanny yells, ‘Nell!’ as if she hasn’t seen me for years. Then she swings me around to face her husband. ‘This is Nell!’
His eyes balloon. ‘I tried the lot,’ he says. ‘The vagina-scented candles, the herbs, the crystals, and you’ll never guess what?’ he booms across the small crowd of potential new clients I had been hoping to impress with a good first impression. ‘I’ve never slept so well in all my life! At first, I thought this is mental, a right con, hippy codswallop. But it turns out it’s not!’
God, how embarrassing! And yet I simply cannot resist adding fuel to the fire.
‘Yes, Mr Fanny, the soothing, metaphysical properties of howlite release enough energy to help insomnia and reduce anxiety. Although, it’s more of a stone not a crystal,’ I correct him unnecessarily.
‘See?’ Mrs Fanny shrieks to her husband. ‘What did I tell you? My readers will lap this up.’
I’m not sure what she is insinuating but it’s time to get on the coach.
‘Wait for us!’
I turn to see the Hens charging down the street. The group has doubled in size.
‘We invited all our Hen activity people. They are all entrepreneurs and single!’
There’s a huge cheer from the rugger boys as they pile onto the coach. I learn that one is a mixologist. There’s a naked butler business. A few beauticians. A few tarot card specialists. Some water sports people. And generally, lots of creative, enthusiastic small business-owners.
