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Oliver screws his eyes playfully. ‘How do we stop her reaching into your soul like a Nosferatu, leaving you an undead husk of a being, resentful of all around you and seething with anger? Perhaps they’re expecting you to combust into flames during one of the rituals.’

He’s taking it a bit far now, but at least I get to see his eyes sparkle and his hair shine in the glow of the lamp. We stifle our giggles when we hear a noise that sounds like footsteps outside in the hallway. Oliver is ramming a whole pain au raisin in his mouth, indicating we need to get a move on.

‘We’ll be late for the Healing Waters. They’re taking us to Algar Falls today.’

I scamper off the bed and over to the door. I open it a fraction and peep out to make sure the coast is clear. Oliver comes up behind me with an armful of cheese, crisps and a full wine bottle.

‘To stop you breaking and entering,’ he says. Thoughts of his extreme nakedness flood my mind, causing me to become immediately flustered.

He hands me the wine. ‘Maybe I’ll break into your room this time.’

Oh my.

I take the stash from him and sneak back into my room.

* * *

If I thought Oliver was hot this morning, then that’s nothing compared to the show he is putting on at the waterfall. After we have piled out of the campervan, Oliver joins his Happy Bunnies in a cooling dip. I am forced to watch from afar as my group of five engage in no one’s favourite activity of drawing symbols on pieces of stone and ‘gifting’ them back to the water.

‘These symbols are your burdens,’ Gandalf is telling us. ‘They represent the heavy rocks vee place in our hearts. Be free of them. Let them go.’ He makes a huge show of picking up a rock, chalking on a scribble that looks like a city man’s brogue and dunking it in the water with a splash.

‘Was that a shoe?’ I ask.

He nods and stares down to his Jesus-sandalled feet. He wiggles his toes for us. ‘Now they are free.’

Nonsense. Utter nonsense.

Once we have finished, we are told that our reward is to float face-up in the ice-cold waters of the fall for at least an hour. Oh goody. Can’t wait. Everyone begins to strip off and I notice that they are wearing appropriately modest bathing suits, whereas I am wearing a flimsy, neon-pink ‘over here, look at me’ string bikini that I stole from my sister. As I self-consciously peel away my robe under the unbearable heat of the midday sun, I can feel Oliver’s gaze on me, even though when I look over, he seems to be making a huge effort to look in the opposite direction. I gingerly step into the water. It is instantly soothing and exhilarating at the same time. I gasp at the icy temperature and plunge straight in. Oliver swims up to me.

‘You’ll feel great after a few minutes,’ he promises. He’s referring to our hangovers and he’s not wrong. As I lie back and allow the water to freeze my brain, I can feel the blood gush to my head, sweeping it clean. The sound of the waterfall lulls me into a trance. I’m aware of Oliver floating beside me and try my best not to look at him. Each time I so much as lift my head from the water to see where he is, Gandalf and Endless Cloud fix me a questioning look.

When the billion years of floating is up and I can no longer feel my body, a dinging chime indicates that it is time to get out. I stand up, waist high in the fresh mountain pool and squeeze the water from my long plait. I catch Oliver staring at me. He instantly looks away and places his hands on two rocks, expertly hauling himself out of the water in one fluid movement. The droplets of water run over his rippling muscles, highlighting how well-defined his back is. They drip slowly down his spine, dispersing at the line of his shorts, which are clinging to him like a second skin, revealing a fine outline of perfectly shaped…

‘ELLY-NELLY-NOR! This way please.’ Endless Cloud is watching me like a hawk, beckoning me to the opposite side of the waterfall.

I climb out and dry off with one of the rags that Endless Cloud is handing out to my group. A quick glance over to the Happy Bunnies reveals that they are being handed fluffy white towels.

Oliver gives me a sheepish look.

‘Let’s go!’ Endless Cloud waves to my group. ‘Follow me. We have lunch, standing on one leg.’

Jesus Christ.

As I stuff the wet rag into my bag, a loud barking distracts me. It is coming from behind a clump of rocks. It’s not just any type of dog’s bark, it’s a distressed sound. If my gap year at the animal rescue centre taught me anything, it was to recognise pain in other creatures. I take a step towards where the sound is coming from.

‘Hurry please,’ Endless Cloud is yelling.

As a group, we summon up the bare modicum of enthusiasm, don our robes and follow him along the narrow ledge, away from the waterfall. The barking becomes more distressed and a sixth sense flows through me. I turn back towards the rocks and hurry to see what the poor creature is worried about. Maybe it is injured.

As soon as I clamber round to see what is happening, I let out a piercing scream.

10

There’s a man’s body floating face down in the water, trapped between two rocks. What must be his dog is jumping at the water’s edge, frantically barking and spinning round, eyes wild and terrified. Without thinking, I jump straight in and pull the body away from the rocks. I turn him over and cradle his head in my arm. He’s unconscious and still feels warm to the touch. I drag him to the edge but he’s too heavy for me to lift.

Out of nowhere, Oliver is heaving him up and lying him flat. He then reaches in to pull me out of the water as though I weigh nothing at all. If it wasn’t for the medical need to act urgently, I’d say it was immensely romantic.

I throw myself down to administer the sort of first aid that you see on Baywatch. Checking for breathing. No signs. Feeling for a pulse. Zilch. Pumping his chest. ‘One elephant, two elephant, three elephant…’