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My voice is gentle yet nearly cracking as I speak, with emotions swirling inside me. I feel a tear escape and roll down my cheek. I walk over and sit on the bed beside him. Our eyes meet, and he gently reaches out to grab my hand. I quickly pull away to wipe the tear from my face.

“I'm fine.” I glance back at the icy balcony. “It feels like we're never getting off this damn ship, and I'm freezing.”

Theo lifts the blanket and scoots back on the bed a few inches, making room for me. “Come under the blanket; I'll warm you.” I don't move right away. “You can't think like that, honey. Let's stay positive and believe that rescue is coming; it's only a matter of time,” he says, softly. I stare at him blankly for a moment. So many emotions run through me. There’s no way he truly believes that anymore.

“How can you just lie there, pretending everything is fine? We've been out here for what—eight, nine months? We should have been rescued by now. People are dying all around us. So many people have literally jumped, just giving up. We are down to what, thirteen survivors left on this ship—and that was the count last night. Who knows how many more have jumped in the middle of the night? I can't do this anymore, Theo. This isn't living. We need to find a way to get off this ship, or I might jump too.”

I’m angry, sad, and regretful all at once. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale, relieved to have let my feelings out. When I open my eyes, Theo doesn’t look relieved at all. He looks at me, but says nothing. His eyes glisten, as if he is about to start crying. Then a moment later, he does. He slumps over, grabs his face with his hands and loses it. He sucks in a deep breath and sobs. Deep, wracking sobs that make my heart ache. This is a side of my husband that I never see. And honestly, I don’t know what to do.

“Julie, you're right. But if I don't keep pushing forward, no one else will. I'm responsible for everyone, trying to keep everything together so we don’t end up like we were a few months ago. And it’s fucking killing me and no one cares.” He sniffs and wipes his nose with the back of his sleeve. “Nobody gives a shit about how I'm dealing with all this, and if they did, it wouldn’t matter because everyone's looking to me to keep my shit together so the rest of us don't end up dead.” He goes quiet for a moment, sitting there.

Then something changes in him. He looks up at me with cold eyes. “You know what? I’m so fucking tired of these people. They’re ungrateful, and I'm sick of all their shit. We should just jump. Hell, no one's coming to sa– Fuck!”

I stand in place, stunned, unable to speak, my thoughts running wild. I stare at Theo, and for the first time in our relationship, I see he's truly at his breaking point. I think back on the past months and realize he's right—no one has ever asked how he's holding up mentally. At least I haven’t. The letter I wrote flashes in my mind, with all the untold truths it contains. I can't help but think it would be so much easier at this point if we did make the jump.

Then I think about my mother, the car accident, and my deadbeat father, and I absently rub my fingers over the thick scar on my abdomen. I feel a sudden twinge of anger that pulls me out of the self-sabotaging hole I'm in. This is not how it ends for me.

“No, Theo, this is not how it ends for either of us,” I say, reaching for his hand. He lifts his head and looks at me, his eyes shiny and red. I don't know what to say. I let go, feeling wrecked inside, before standing up. “I need to go for a walk to clear my head. I'll meet you all later.”

“Are you kidding—where are you going? You're going to freeze if you go outside,” he tells me, wiping his face with his sleeve again.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Be smart and come back when you get cold. I'll go find Tyler and Kelly—they're probably in the medical center. Come there when you're ready.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady. I turn away and walk out the door without saying goodbye. The moment it closes behind me, the emotional wall I've built collapses and all my feelings hit me like a train. I can't breathe from crying so hard. I need to find a place to be alone.

34

THEO

Walking into the medical center, I immediately notice that all the remaining passengers are here, except Julie. In the back of the room, Sara and Chris are arguing with Brent about something I can't quite hear. Brent has become everyone's biggest problem over the past few months. He is constantly trying to control people and tell everyone what they should and how they should be doing things. Because of his constant arguing, Sara and I have assigned him the worst job on the ship: emptying the bathroom buckets and fetching fresh water from the ocean—an especially tough task when temperatures are below freezing. Given his attitude toward everyone, no one objects, nor does anyone want to be stuck with his job. Brent’s other job is to collect the fish from the top deck daily for our meals. Rations have become so scarce that meals are limited to once a day. As a result, most passengers have lost a lot of weight and are weak. Mary keeps saying that soon, passengers will start dying if we don’t find more food, but unfortunately, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I walk over to Kelly and Tyler and check on their well-being. They both say everything is fine, and for Kelly, that may be true, but for my brother, I know it's not. Kelly looks healthier than most of us because she’s been getting a little extra each day at mealtime. Tyler, on the other hand, looks much worse than almost everyone else. Whenever I bring up concerns about his weight, he always gives the same explanation: that Kelly and the baby need the food more than he does. I argue that it was fine to give his food away when everyone was getting two meals, but not now that we all only get one. I try to make him understand that if he keeps giving away his food, he is going to die, and then his baby won’t have a father at all. This doesn’t change his mind. Tyler is one of the most stubborn people I know.

I take a deep breath and think about what to do. Maybe I can see if everyone wouldn't mind giving Kelly just a bit more of their rations. I spoke to Mary, and she said she doesn't need much, maybe a few hundred extra calories, so we could–

Brent’s yell from across the room tears me from my thoughts. Everyone else turns to see what all the commotion is about. He’s shouting directly in Sara’s face, his finger is pointed at her, and he is calling her names and saying other things I can’t make out. Chris jumps in to defend her and Sara stops him just as fast, but as soon as Sara turns back around to face Brent, he swings a fist. There is an audible crunch as she falls backward, and blood pours down her face.

Chris jumps up to defend Sara once more, but he’s no match for Brent's stocky build. Brent picks Chris up by the neck, slamming him to the ground, and begins pounding on his face. One hit after the other, blood flies through the air with each swing. Screams echo around the room at the sight. Tyler and I both jump up and rush to stop Brent. Tyler is the first to reach him and tackles him off Chris. Brent’s head slams against the glass doors so hard I think the glass shatters.

I jump in and throw Tyler back. Brent is now lying on the ground and scrambling to escape. I straddle him, pinning his body down. Before Brent has a chance to attack me, I slam my fist into Brent's eye. I feel the skin on my knuckles split, and my hand becomes bloody. Brent's eye instantly swells. All the shit Brent has said to me over the past couple of months rushes to the front of my memory. You will never be as good a leader as Logan. You’re weak. You should have been the one to die, not Logan. You’re never getting off this ship alive. With each memory, I get angrier and angrier.

Then I think of what he said to Tyler. You'd better watch your back. I'm coming for you. Everything I've been keeping bottled up pushes its way to the surface. Be a man, don't let anyone belittle you. Take control. Make me proud. That was my father’s mantra. His voice in my head is a constant reminder to be better. To be stronger.

Then there is Julie. She is never by my side anymore. I feel so alone. Fuck it. My father was right. I will not let these people walk all over me. I am the leader. I am stronger. I grab Brent's skull with both hands and slam it against the hardwood floor. With each forceful slam, blood splatters across the floor. Mary screams, telling me to stop, but I ignore her and continue. Rage floods me.

Brent begins to fight back, bucking his hips up and down, causing me to lose my balance and bounce off him. While I’m on the ground, Brent takes his foot and bashes it into my face. The pain is instant and excruciating, but it fuels my rage even more. Before I can stop him, Brent crawls away and takes off running. I jump up, almost losing my balance, my vision blurry as blood drips into my eyes. Full of anger, I chase after him down the hallway. When Brent comes into view, I watch as he opens the door to the top deck, and cold wind fills the hallway, covering the floor with powdered snow. Brent runs out the door, leaving a vivid red trail of blood across the powdery white snow. I follow the trail, leading me directly to him.

I do my best to speed up and close the gap between us. The fierce wind and freezing temperature are so intense that my exposed skin immediately begins to freeze, sending a shockwave of pain through my body. My face is pelted by icy snow as the wind howls around me. Just as I get closer to Brent, I see him reach for the fish basket and start digging at the snow that is blanketing the fish. Now mere yards away, I realize exactly what he’s doing.

I push myself to run even faster. I slip on the ice, falling flat on my face and I feel my cold, frozen skin split open. Crimson stains the white snow even more. I lift my head to look at Brent and our eyes meet. Wind whips the snow through the air, making it even harder to see each other. A second later, the wind slows and everything becomes eerily silent.

Brent’s voice booms through the air. “You’re all going to die out here. I'll make sure of it.”

Suddenly, he lifts the basket high above his head. He holds it there for a moment, then our eyes meet again, and then he hurls the fish-filled basket over the railing. I jump to my feet and rush toward the side of the ship, hoping the basket didn't land in the ocean. When I reach the railing, defeat consumes me as I stare at the basket sinking under the waves.

The realization that our food supply is gone hits me and I slump to the ground. Anger boils inside me as I think of all the problems Brent has caused us over the past few months. I ignored all the red flags, and I still gave him a chance to prove himself. I knew that all along, Brent believed everything Logan had ever told him, including that no one would survive on this ship.

Quickly, I stand and take off toward Brent, who is sitting on the icy deck. When I reach him, I slam my fist as hard as I can into his face, splitting his lip and causing more blood to spill out. I continue beating Brent, each punch splattering blood and spit all over the ground. As I start to tire out, Brent opens his swollen eyes and meets mine. He grins as more blood pours down his face.