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They were steady and careful, and so much stronger than they needed to be for a woman who weighs what I weigh.

But then I remember shoving him away and whirling around and the first thing I had seen was his jaw.

His stupid, sharp stubbled jaw.

His mouth.

I bite my lip, hating myself.

God, his mouth.

He has unfairly full lips for a man and I hate the way they curve into a stupid smile right before he says something awful.

And his hair.

That dark, thick, always falling forward into his eyes a little hair.

He still has a full head of it and it’s still insanely dark for a man in his forties.

I would have thought he’d be dying it by now but no, that nearly black color is completely natural.

Dammit.

I can’t stay here any longer.

Water.

Yes, I need water.

I need to get up and move and do something with my hands before I lose my mind lying here, and water is the closest thing to a reasonable excuse I’ve got.

I don’t grab a robe. Why would I?

It’s four in the morning.

Everyone else is asleep.

I’m going—what? One hundred feet to a kitchen and coming right back? I look at myself in the mirror. I’m wearing an old tank top and sleep shorts with no bra on.

I shrug. It’s as good as it’s going to get.

I pad down the stairs barefoot on cool wood, one hand on the banister, still trying to shake the feel of him out of my skin and getting nowhere.

The house is dark and quiet, which is relieving.

I don’t really want to talk to anyone.

I just want to get rid of this nervous energy by drinking water then go back to my room so I can self-flagellate some more.

I turn the corner into the kitchen and nearly sigh with relief when I see the lights are off.

Moonlight is coming through the tall windows in cold silver rectangles.

I don’t bother with the overhead lights.

I know the layout well enough by now, and switching the light on feels like it would be an announcement I don’t want to make. I make my way to the fridge and pull it open.

Yellow light spills out over the floor while I bend down and dig for the water bottles on the bottom shelf.