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I shook my head. “No. The humor, the joviality . . . sometimes that’s me. But more often, it’s just a mask.” The irony of me wearing a mask during my live streams was not lost on me. “I did that so no one would know how I truly felt.”

His face softened, and I felt his hands squeeze mine. “How did you feel?”

My eyes fell shut for a moment before I found his gaze again. “I . . .” I sighed. “Why don’t I start at the beginning?”

Without releasing my hands, Cameron leaned back in his seat with a nod. I took a deep breath in then let it out, actually surprised I hadn’t told my best friend any of this before.

It was well past time to let him in.

“A couple of years ago, my parents found out about my cam site. They lectured me about it then instantly cut me off.”

Cameron gasped, clutching my hands tighter.

“It wasn’t really a big loss; they barely tolerated me before that when they weren’t outright ignoring me. But they didn’t give me a chance to explain or defend myself, they just gave me an ultimatum: Stop camming, or they’d cut me off. I wouldn’t, so they did. Fortunately, I’d put almost everything into my name already, and all the money I’d made from camming was in accounts they didn’t know about. But still.” I swallowed once, fighting not to cry.

“Oh, Tris, I’m so sorry,” Cameron offered, eyes downcast. His thumb rubbed the back of my left hand.

I offered him a sad smile. “Thanks. But there’s more.”

Cameron just watched me with wide eyes, staying quiet.

I took another deep breath before continuing. “In high school, I dated the quarterback on the football team, Chad. We kept it a secret from everyone at his insistence. Even though I had a ‘boyfriend,’ he never wanted anyone to know about me, so no one did. I’m not sure if I realized it then, but the whole situation made me so lonely. I wanted to celebrate, you know? But I had to keep it under wraps.

“Then, after two years, I found him under the bleachers in an extremely compromising position after a game with the head cheerleader. I didn’t know how long he’d been cheating on me, but I knew then that I wasn’t built for love. Although logically I knew Chad was just a shitty person, it felt like I was the reason he wasn’t willing to come out, that he wouldn’t choose me because there was something wrong with me.” I swallowed against my welling tears. “And my parents—if they couldn’t even love me, how could anyone else? It all just fucking hurts.”

Cameron’s face turned blurry, and I blinked at the tears clouding my vision to see my best friend’s eyes filling as well. “Oh, Tris . . .”

“My parents don’t even know I’m gay.” I sighed, shaking my head at the thought before whispering the next part. “I can’t even imagine how much worse it would be if they did.”

Cameron’s hands rubbed mine for a few long moments while he processed everything I’d told him so far. He caught my gaze before he spoke. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone, Tristan. I wish you would’ve told me how badly you were suffering so I could shoulder this burden with you.”

Tears definitely fell at that, and I offered my wonderful friend a watery smile. “I wish I had, too. I’m sorry about that.”

He shook his head. “You don’t have to apologize.” His lips curved into a sad smirk, if such a thing existed. “I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so many shitheads in your life.”

I chuckled even as I cried. “I really have, and I believed I wasn’t worthy of love for a long time because of them.” I smiled. “But I know better now. I’ve been going to therapy all year, and Emily has really helped me sort through all this trauma so I can heal.”

“I’m so glad.”

“And . . .” I took a breath. This should be the easy part, so why did it feel so hard? “I was convinced no one would want a relationship with me, either. I figured no one would want someone who worked as a camboy, who was too tall and built to be a boy and didn’t always fit the mold of a boy personality-wise anyway—though I never understood that about myself because I didn’t let my relationships get that far. I had never been chosen, so I assumed that meant I never would be.”

I shook my head again, this time at myself, before continuing. “I told myself I wasn’t worthy of love so often I believed it, not even knowing it wasn’t the truth. In fact, it wasn’t my voice telling me that at all.”

Cameron tilted his head as he studied me. “So that’s the real reason I’ve never seen you with a guy for longer than a handful of nights.”

I nodded solemnly. “Yeah. I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone.”

“Wouldn’t? As in past tense?”

I smirked, knowing he’d catch that. “Yeah. Because that guy we talked about last year with Sam? I gave him a chance. And he’s absolutely wonderful, Cameron. He’s everything I needed and dreamed of but didn’t dare to hope for.”

Cameron’s smile brightened the room. “Oh, Tris, that’s amazing! Do I know him? Who is he?”

I grinned. “Henry.”

At that, Cameron yanked his hands from mine, pulling them to his chest and squealing for a split second before he reined it in. “Oh my god, Tristan! I knew it!”

I laughed, feeling lighter than I had in years. “You did not.”