Page 187
When I reach room fourteen, Mabel is sitting upright against two pillows with a hospital blanket over her legs.
She looks small.
I hate that the most.
Mabel has always occupied more space than you’d think. Big opinions, big laugh, brightly colored clothes and the absolute certainty that everyone nearby will benefit from hearing what she thinks. Seeing her pale beneath hospital lighting, an IV taped to the back of her hand, makes something cold move through me.
“You drove fast.” Her tone is disapproving.
“I drove safe.” I put the bag on the chair and immediately start checking the room as though I’ll somehow recognize what’s wrong by looking hard enough.
I pull the second chair close to the bed.
“What happened?”
She looks at me and I can tell that she’s deciding how much of the truth to give me. Then she sighs and folds her hands on the blanket.
“I had a fall. I was reaching into the kitchen cabinet, and the vertigo has been worse this week. I went down awkwardly and couldn’t get myself up, so I pressed the alarm.” It took me three weeks to persuade her to wear the alarm when she moved in. She called it degrading, ugly and proof that I had mistaken her for a sad old lady. I knew there might eventually be a day she needed it.
I just didn’t expect to feel grateful that the day had arrived.
“The vertigo getting worse,” I say carefully. “That’s related to the lesion.”
“It’s related, yes.” She looks at her hands. “Dr. Osei says the lesion on the cerebellum has grown.” She waves a hand, as though it’s only a minor inconvenience. “Apparently that’s what happens when you decline the treatment, he tells me. Though he has the grace to say it without adding I told you so.”
I breathe in slowly.
We’ve been saying the lesion on the cerebellum for fourteen months, ever since the scan came back wrong and an oncologist told Mabel she had a slow-growing, low-grade glioma.
Low-grade meant it wasn’t the worst version.
It also didn’t mean harmless.
Dr. Osei had recommended a targeted course of radiotherapy. He’d talked about good outcomes, early intervention and controlling the growth before her symptoms became more serious. Mabel listened to him with the same attention she gives financial advisers and people explaining dishwasher warranties.
Then she declined.
She didn’t want the fatigue, the nausea, or the cognitive fog. She didn’t want months in which she might not feel like herself in exchange for a future nobody could guarantee.
Her position was that she would rather have less time that belonged entirely to her than more time spent muffled inside a body and mind she didn’t recognize.
I was furious when she told me.
I researched every treatment option, called doctors she hadn’t asked me to call, and arrived at the condo armed with articles she refused to read. I thought if I found the right statistic, the right specialist, or the right combination of words, I could force her to want the future I wanted for her.
Eventually, I had to accept that it was her decision.
Accepting it and liking it are not remotely the same thing.
“Are the falls going to happen more often?” I ask.
“Possibly.”
“And Dr. Osei wants you to reconsider.”
“He does. He believes I’m being foolish.”
“He thinks the treatment could help.”