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After a long nap, I spend some time cleaning the house, and then I take a shower and clean myself up. I feel like shit, and I know it’s nothing but my fault that I’m feeling this way. I try to let the stream of hot water wash away the feelings of guilt and disgust that I have for myself, and I end up staying in the shower way too long.

When I get out, I throw on some underwear, chug a bunch of water, refill my cup, and grab a sandwich. When the dryer buzzer goes off, I put my onesie pajamas back on.

What? I said they were my favorite!

Then I decide to text Ryan.

Me: What are you doing?

Ryan: Eating dinner with Katie. You?

Me: Nothing. You guys doing something tonight?

Ryan: No. She’s going out with her sister. I was going to go to The Exchange. Need company? Come along.

I’m not in the mood to go out, but I could use some company to finalize these thoughts and my next steps. It would help to have someone to talk this over with.

Me: Not up to going out. I drank enough this week. *barf emoji* But come over?

Ryan: You okay?

Me: Yeah, I will be but it’d be cool to hang out.

Ryan: Okay, I’ll be over in about an hour.

I liked Ryan’s text with a thumbs up emoji to acknowledge that I saw it and that an hour is good, then I get more water. I’m so thirsty.

After getting comfortable on the couch, I put on a documentary about a serial killer. I must doze off for one of the first times in a week, however, because I hear the doorbell ring sometime later, and it startles me. I get up and go to the door. Ryan’s on the other side, and I motion him in. He follows me into the family room, laughing at my pajamas. He’s seen them before, so they aren’t a total shock to him, but he teases me nonetheless. He goes into the kitchen and grabs a beer, then joins me in the family room. He settles on the oversized leather chair across from where I’m sitting and takes a large pull of his beer.

“So,” he says, looking at me, “what’s going on? You talked to Lev?”

I sigh and tap my thigh with my fingers, playing out the beat of the music that I was listening to earlier. “I haven’t.”

“Ohmygod, Dare. Why? Hasn’t it been almost a week!?” The expression on his face is basically telling me I’m an idiot.

“I don’t know. I mean, he’s texted a few times, but nothing serious, and I haven’t offered, so . . .” I let the conversation hang between us. Ryan just looks at me. I finally speak. “I have all these weird feelings about him swirling around, and I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t know what to do? What do you mean you don’t know what to do? Dude, you like him. You liked him before you even had hair on your balls.” I throw a pillow at him. He catches it and puts it in his lap, laughing. “Seriously, though.”

I sigh. “I know. And I had hair on my balls at thirteen, by the way.”

“Whatever,” he jokes, rolling his eyes at me.

I continue. “I guess I just have all these things in my head. Like, he was Nate’s. I was always the tagalong. Do I have a right to him now? Is that dumb?”

Ryan leans forward, trying to make eye contact with me. “Dare,” he says, his voice soft, “Nate was his best friend, sure. But the guy has feelings for you now. Nate’s not here, dude. And even if he was, do you really think he would not want the two most special people in his life to be happy?”

Tears start to burn behind my eyes. I rest my head on the back of the couch and stare at the ceiling so Ryan doesn’t see me on the verge of falling apart.

He tosses the pillow back at me. “Look. You’re a good guy, D. From what I’ve seen of Lev, he is too. You deserve a little happiness and someone to love you. If you can find what I found with Katie, it’s well worth it. And why wouldn’t you want that for yourself?”

I can’t help the tears now. I turn my head to look at him, and he shrugs as he takes the final swig of his beer. I just laugh because I don’t know what else to do. I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. “Dude.”

He laughs, too. “Fuck you, dude. You’re a sappy sack of shit. Just talk to him, okay?” I nod and swipe a tear away. “Got anything to smoke?”

Chapter 44

Levon