Page 51

Ryan interrupts me. “I get it. I get it. Oh my god, no need to go into more detail! Fuck. Well, so, are you guys a thing now? Wait.” His eyes go wide. “What about Lance?”

“No,” I answer, much too quickly. “We’re not a thing. We just hooked up, and we text sometimes, and that’s about it. And Lance knows whatever is going on with him isn’t serious. Lev and I are . . . I’m not even sure what we are, but it’s not a big deal.”

Ryan doesn’t buy it. “Not a big deal?” he repeats.

“Yeah. It really can’t be,” I say.

“Bullshit,” he coughs. “Your face says it’s nothing, but that sweet little twinkle in your eye tells a different story.”

“Shut up,” I laugh. “He’s hot.”

“And I’m sure he sucks a mean dick,” Ryan says, winking at me.

“I’m not talking about this anymore,” I reply, picking up the check. I stand up and head to the counter to pay, doing everything in my power not to relive that night on the dock. I can’t sport a chub when I’m hanging out with Ryan. But if I have my way, Lev will be on his knees in front of me the next time we’re together, and Christ if that thought doesn’t make me break out in goose bumps as I finish paying for dinner and then walk with Ryan to the first hole of the course.

Ryan and I play two rounds of mini golf, and we tie, one game apiece. He has the better score though, so he names himself the winner. He’s ridiculous. We go back to the bar and have another drink, talking more about anything and nothing. I think we’re both just enjoying the time that we have together—no girls, no guys, just us.

That time ends when we finish our last drinks, mine my third glass of water since I stopped drinking a while ago. I know I get messed up a lot, but one thing I won’t do is drive if I’ve had too much. My life is the story of what happens when you do that.

Ryan’s phone buzzes with a text from Katie. Apparently, she’s home now and wondering where he is. It’s late, but we knew she would be out late, too, so it’s not a big deal. We settle our tab and go to our cars. Giving me a half hug, Ryan says, “Thanks for hanging tonight.”

“You too,” I reply, swatting his stomach with the back of my hand. I get in the car and go home.

The house is quiet, as it always is. I head up the stairs and lazily undress and crawl into bed. Of course I’m thinking about Lev and everything Ryan said earlier. I have a war raging inside me. Lev seems to really want to pursue something with me, and I’m completely into it. The issue is that he’s Nate’s. He’s not mine. Do I deserve happiness with him when Nate isn’t around to enjoy his friendship and have Lev in his life? I feel like I’m stealing something. But Nate isn’t here. He’s gone and has been and always will be. Maybe, for once, I deserve something that will make me feel awake inside again.

I sigh and look at the clock. It’s after midnight, but I pick up my phone anyway, figuring a text won’t hurt.

Me: Hey.

Nothing happens for a few minutes, and then I see the screen light up.

Lev: Hey yourself.

Me: Did I wake you?

Lev: Not really. I was just lying here watching a movie.

Me: What are you watching?

Without really thinking about it, I reach down and start gently stroking myself.

Lev: Avengers. What are you doing?

Me: That’s a cast of hotties. Is it Chris Evans? Maybe Scarlett Johansson? Or are you a Mark Ruffalo type of guy? And I’m just lying here.

Lev: I think I like Evans. After all, he does have America’s ass. Did you have a good night? And JUST lying there? wink emoji

Me: laughing emoji So you’re an ass man. Noted. I had a great night. Hung out with Ryan. Drinks, food, mini golf. Lying here and I may be touching myself.

Lev: peach emoji Touching yourself? Yeah? How do you feel?

Me: Heavy and thick. Turned on.

I spread a bead of precum down my shaft and squeeze as I work my way back up. My breath is starting to change.

Lev: You’re turning me on, Lycan.

Me: Take yourself out.