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He knew the answer. He’d known for sure the moment he’d seen Cass standing there on the sidewalk outside the café, that kind, soft smile on his face as he waved hello.

But he also knew it didn’t matter what the answer was. And he knew Shaina wouldn’t understand.

“Ash? Do you?”

“Shai . . .” He hesitated. He didn’t want to lie to her, and the fact that he was even considering it made a pain flare up in his chest. “Yeah, yeah, I do,” he blurted out, almost too quickly and too loudly, and he immediately grimaced and pushed himself up on one elbow to look over the top of the couch toward the hallway. The light was off in his bedroom, but the door was cracked open, and he held his breath, waiting for any indication that he’d woken up the sleeping baby.

Thankfully, none came.

“Ah-ha, I knew it!” Shaina said gleefully.

Ash frowned as he lowered himself back to the couch. He stared out across the living room again. Piles of toys were scattered on the floor. The coffee table was a mess, too, covered with dirty dishes, his coffee mug from that morning, and a bunch of papers he’d printed out for one of his classes that started next week. Several empty cardboard boxes, which Bri had been playing with a couple of days ago, also lay discarded around the room.

Swallowing, Ash closed his eyes, pretending the mess didn’t exist.

But he knew it did. And it was part of a larger problem. One he’d been trying very hard to hide, even from himself.

“So, tell me more about him,” Shaina continued, as though it were gossip hour back in middle school or something. “I want to know everything.”

“Shaina, I can’t.”

It was the truth. He couldn’t. Really. He had to stay focused on the one thing in his life that was most important. And that wasn’t himself or exploring his sexuality for the first time or deciding whether the hangout he’d just had with a friend had actually been a date. It was his niece. His niece, and school so he could support his niece and give her the best life possible. That was it.

Silently, and without expanding on his simple, clear statement, he pushed himself off the couch. The same pain he’d felt earlier rattled his chest, but he ignored it and instead forced himself to start picking up the junk on the coffee table.

Shaina hummed quietly and then said, “I understand. But Ash, you—”

“No. No, whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Please,” Ash cut in, setting his empty mug on top of a used plate next to the uneaten half of his breakfast bagel from that morning. “It doesn’t matter what I want or whether I like Cass or he likes me. I can’t do that right now. And—a-and . . . and . . .”

Ash’s knees felt weak, and for a second, he wondered if he might collapse. He screwed his eyes shut and slowly lowered himself to the floor as he tried to hold back a flood of emotion—a heavy wave of dark, negative, painful feelings with one, big, central theme: how the three most important people in his life had been ripped away from him forever, and in the most awful, devastating of ways.

His parents when he was seventeen. And then his sister not even a year ago.

Hell, Shaina was at risk just being his friend. And poor little Bri. Maybe doing his best for her wouldn’t really even be close to enough. Maybe—

“Ash? Hey, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

Shaina’s voice came through the phone speaker, anxious and slightly panicked, and Ash was almost surprised to find he was still holding the phone up to his ear. He rolled over onto his back on the carpet and bent his knees up, forcing himself to take slow, steady breaths.

“I, um, yeah,” he said after another few seconds. “Yeah, I’m fine. I—I’m fine.” It was an obvious lie. He was nowhere close to fine.

Except he was.

He had to be.

Or rather, he had to pretend to be, and he’d do that for Bri, because she needed him to.

God, that was messed up. He was messed up.

“I gotta go,” he said quickly, just as Shaina started to speak. But she immediately jumped in before he could hang up.

“Oh, no, no, no, you don’t. Not unless you want me to be on the first flight I can get to Seattle and come banging on your door in the middle of the night.” Shaina paused, but he heard her blow out a breath. “Ash, what’s going on? Talk to me. Please. Or if you won’t or can’t, please think about making another appointment with that therapist you were seeing. What’s her name?”

Guilt and shame and a huge wave of sadness rippled outward from some central spot in his chest, and for several long seconds, he was unable to speak. Finally, he managed, “Please don’t come, Shai.”

“Ash—”

“Cass and I didn’t have a date. I don’t have time to date. I have to focus on Bri and taking care of her and passing my classes and getting into grad school. And that’s it. Okay? I am fine. Or I will be fine. I just can’t do any more than that right now. I don’t have the time or the energy. And—and I . . .” He trailed off but let out a sigh.