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Yeah, I don’t like that idea either. Not even a little bit.

I get that some people might think it’s wrong that Maeve has been with all three of us at once. And I do want to set the record straight with my family when it comes to our sexual relationship. I would never—Hayden and Gabriel would never, either—treat Maeve like some object or like sex was all she was good for, and we never crossed any professional lines when she worked for us. She’s important to us. She’s important to me. I…

I swallow down the end of that thought before it can fully form.

“Maeve,” I start, but she interrupts me.

“I’ve seen how hard you’re all working for this deal,” she says. “I’m not going to let myself, or anything relating to me, ruin that. I won’t let it happen. I refuse.”

She sounds so upset and so stubbornly determined, it makes my heart clench painfully. Nobody should ever make Maeve feel this way, including me, and I can’t help but feel that I played a major part in this mess.

If I had just had more damn self-control, if I hadn’t given in to temptation, she wouldn’t be hurting like this. Fuck.

“We… appreciate that,” Gabriel says slowly. “But we want you to make sure you do what’s right for you, too. What will make you comfortable.”

“If you’re not comfortable playing my fiancée at this point,” I tell her, “I understand and we can figure out another way.”

“No. I’m getting paid for this, I promised to do this, I’m committed to seeing it through.”

I admire her commitment and integrity, but I don’t want her to put herself in a position where she’s feeling hurt or humiliated. But if she insists on going through with it, there’s really nothing I can do unless I send her away, and I can’t bring myself to do that.

“And once it’s over, I’ll get out of your hair,” she continues. “You won’t have to worry about me anymore and your parents can view me as just a brief unpleasant episode in their lives. It’ll all be fine. This is the best way.”

I’m not sure it is the best way, but I’m at a loss for what else to do or say. Or maybe I’m not. It feels like there’s a blank space sitting out there, just waiting for me to fill it with words, with something meaningful, but I can’t do it. Maybe I do know what it is, I just can’t bring myself to face it.

Maeve stands up, clearing her throat. “I should go take another soak in Lydia’s tub. Stay out of everyone’s way, and, um, clean myself up.”

She starts to leave the room, but my hand shoots out to stop her before I can second-guess myself.

“We should’ve thought about this,” I admit. “We should have considered the possibility of getting caught. What that would do to you. We don’t deserve you. We never did.”

That’s the thing I’ve always known, deep in my heart, when she was working for us and I would get those flashes of wanting her, the moments I couldn’t stuff down fast enough. I would never be good enough for her. I shouldn’t even try. Especially now that I know how thoroughly awful Liam was to her. I can’t be another terrible man in her life.

Maeve stares at me for a long moment, then shakes her head. “It’s sad,” she says quietly. “Because it seems like you actually believe that.”

She gently detaches herself from my grip and slips out of the room, leaving the three of us staring after her.

54

MAEVE

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I go and soak in Lydia’s tub, hoping she doesn’t mind and that her offer for me to use it hasn’t been rescinded now that her family is in complete turmoil.

Ford’s last words echo in my ears on repeat. I can’t believe he would say something like that about himself, or about Hayden and Gabriel. I would suspect he was just saying it to make me feel better about my situation, but looking up into his face, he really seemed genuinely upset. Like it was some huge sacrifice for me to be with them.

It is a sacrifice, but not in the way he thinks. It’s not a sacrifice to pretend to be in love with Ford. It’s a sacrifice to pretend that I’m okay with leaving him, leaving any of them, after everything we’ve shared.

In spite of all my best efforts to keep things casual, I went and caught feelings anyway. And now I can’t even pretend that maybe it’ll all work out and I’ll get to stay with them, be with them for real. I was never truly ‘with’ them and I never will be. Ford and the other two might feel guilty for how this has all gone down, but at the end of the day, this is happening exactly the way it was always going to.

Just with some added humiliation thrown in for good measure.

After I soak long enough that I can’t pretend I’m doing anything other than stalling, I get out, throw on some comfortable clothes and then hide away in the house, avoiding everyone. It’s a big house, so I can manage it pretty well. There are lots of guest rooms on the second floor that are currently unused, and an attic where I can just sit among the family heirlooms and empty Christmas storage boxes.

Soon these boxes will be full again, as the season ends and a new year starts. Life will go on. This magical time will fade into memory.

Everyone here will get to experience it all again next year. They’ll take the boxes down, unpack them, and decorate all over again. Just not me. This one year is all I get to be part of it.