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The what ifs are going to eat me alive.

A hand lands on my shoulder and my head snaps toward Vae, who’s looking at me with concern. “Dax, it’s al⁠—“

“No, it isn’t.” I snarl. “It’s not fucking alright, Vaelenor. None of this is fucking alright.” I stand and run my dirt-stained hands through my hair. When did I start shaking?

“I shouldn’t have pushed you today,” Vae says softly, and his kind tone makes me want to scream. “I shouldn’t have forced you to⁠—”

A sardonic laugh bursts out of me. “To what? See the truth? Face the fucking nightmare the Omega I’ve been mentally and emotionally abusing for weeks has lived through?”

I turn on my heel and slam my fist into the tree trunk. Bark cracks apart and falls to the grass. My knuckles are split and bleeding, but it’s not good enough.

I wind back my fist and keep going, punching it again and again and again. Hands grab my biceps, and I snarl, yanking myself out of Riven’s hold.

He snarls back, fangs razor-sharp and inches from my throat.

“Calm the fuck down!”

“Calm down? Are you—Fuck! I thought—I thought⁠—”

I tunnel my fingers into my hair and pull, tugging at the strands until pain shoots through my scalp. Blood drips hot and wet down my hand and over my wrist.

“I thought she was lying,” I croak, shaking so bad my teeth are fucking chattering. “I almost killed her the first time I met her in that cell because she asked about Caelan’s gunshot wound. I was so fucking blind I thought she was taunting us, Riven! She was terrified for her Mate, and I almost killed her for it. I called her a liar; I threw a whiskey glass at the wall two feet from her head. I could have seriously hurt her!”

Every day—every godsdamned moment around the Omega—flashes through my mind like snapshots of my failures.

“I felt relieved when she cried. I fucking relished in her sadness, because if she was weak it meant I didn’t have to feel bad for making her cry. I told myself—genuinely believed—that every tear she shed was a manipulation unless I was making her shed them. I thought, ‘Yes, that’s real. Those tears are real,’ and I felt good about it. Justified. Like I was getting revenge for Caelan.”

Neither male says a word, but Vae’s looking at me like he wants to. I know him; I know he wants to open his mouth. Offer me absolution. Forgiveness I haven’t earned and isn’t his to give. His fucking faith in me is unshakeable, and I hate myself because I don’t fucking deserve it.

“I dismissed every fucking concern you had, Vae. Every single one. Each time you told me you were afraid we were taking it too far, or that we might not have the full story, I did exactly what you blamed me for doing—made you feel bad for not drowning in anger like I was.”

Vae’s eyes narrow, nostrils flaring. His fist slams into my jaw, and my head wheels to the side.

I don’t look at him or Riven in the silence that follows. I can feel Vae in front of me, can see his hands fisted at his sides, and hear his furious panting breaths.

“Are you quite fucking finished?” Riven drawls. “In case you’ve forgotten, this isn’t about you, asshole. We’re here to get answers for Idril. If you want to help, then shut the fuck up and help. If you want to confess, then piss off and go find a priest.”

I exhale a long breath, wiping the blood from my split lip off my chin. I’ll need to feed when we get back to HQ.

Straightening my shoulders, I nod. Riven’s right. This isn’t the time to break down. And that’s all I’ve been doing since we got here—breaking down, making this all about me. Losing my shit and feeling sorry for myself is just another way I’m failing Idril. Just another point in a long list of crimes I’ve committed against her. Crimes I don’t even know if I can come back from.

“Yeah, okay,” I mutter, shooting Vae a wary glance. He still looks pissed, and honestly I can’t blame him.

Gods, how am I ever going to make it up to him? And Caelan?

“Sorry,” I grunt, holding his gaze and letting him see the truth in my words, praying he understands that I’m not just apologizing for what just happened.

Eventually, he inclines his head. “You’re not the only one who failed her. I made my own choices. I’m as much to blame as you are.”

He’s not, but I’m not going to argue. Instead, I crouch down and pick the leather-bound book off the ground, grimacing as I wipe soil and grass from its back. I take little comfort in knowing I’m at least doing something to help her while she’s… wherever she is.

I have a long road of groveling ahead of me, but I can start with this.

Chapter 33

Daxen

“Should we wait to get back to HQ before we open it?” I ask, turning it over in my hands. The worn leather is soft and supple under my fingertips, and now that I’m holding it, I want nothing more than to unravel the cord and find out what’s inside.