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He loved me? I cared about him more than any other man I had ever known. The idea of saying “I love you” back felt like there was a hand grasped around my throat cutting off my air supply.

I pulled back more, needing to see his eyes better. His sincere hazel eyes met mine, and I wanted to say those three small words back, but they wouldn’t come. I had no context for the type of love he was speaking of, and I wasn’t sure if I was capable of it.

“Soren, I care about you so much, but I can’t say it back.” Tears of frustration pooled in my eyes. Why couldn’t I simply say it back? What if I got my hopes up as I had so many times in my life only to not be chosen again? It all was too much to process at the moment. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and pulled me in for another hug, and I buried myself in the solid warmth of his body.

“That’s okay, Sawyer. I will love you more than enough for the both of us.”

I was wrapped in his arms, and he held me as though I was the most precious thing in the world to him. I wondered why he hadn’t kissed me if he really loved me, and I contemplated if I’d ever be able to say it back. I was in college before I’d ever had anyone say those words to me. The words were trapped inside of me, and I wasn’t sure if they’d ever come out. Soren deserved someone that would say it back, and what if that someone wasn’t me?

I had barely shut the door after Soren dropped me off when my eyes puddled with tears of frustration. Something was wrong with me. How could I want a man like Soren Roberts who was the best, most thoughtful, and kind man on the planet? I wanted him to kiss me breathless, but the idea of saying “I love you” nearly made me break out in hives. There had to be something irreparable about me. I trudged inside, sank into my comfy chair and buried myself under weighted blankets. Soren couldn’t love me because he didn’t completely know me. I’d told him about how I buried myself under weighted blankets after a difficult day at work, but he didn’t truly realize how much I was debilitated at the end of some days after work. He didn’t know I kept my duplex obsessively organized because when things were out of place, I wanted to cry. Before I started going to his house on Sundays, I used to stay in bed all day because I was emotionally exhausted and drained from my job. He didn’t know how often I turned to how-to videos on the internet to learn basic adulting skills. He didn’t truly understand the shattered pieces of me. I kept the ugly, undesirable parts of me hidden because once he saw those parts, he would leave. People always left, and it was only a matter of time. I fell asleep buried under my weighted blankets, too mentally exhausted to move.

The last thing I thought as I drifted off to sleep was I’d like to be kissed by someone as handsome and good as Soren Roberts at least once in my life.

Soren:

What are you wanting for lunch on Sunday? I’m picking up groceries. I’m thinking breakfast for lunch, which may include chocolate chip waffles?

*four hours later*

Sawyer:

My phone was off because I was in court all morning. Connor’s dad got connected with this amazing rehab program and is doing awesome!

Soren:

That’s great news!

Sawyer:

That sounds yummy! What do you want me to bring?

Soren:

Only you.

Chapter

Forty-Three

Soren

The sun was setting as Sawyer sat next to me on my front porch swing the following Sunday evening. Her hair was loosely twisted in a messy bun, with little tresses touching her neck and cheeks. She was beautiful, as she always was. I didn’t know how much longer I could wait for her to kiss me. I would rather cut off my own legs than move too far, too fast. I would never forgive myself if something I did triggered her trauma response. She was too precious to me to risk making a mistake. Sawyer was warm sunshine and wildflowers. Everything bright and brave, and I was lucky to be near her. Her walls were coming down, and I would be here, waiting, when she finally saw me.

Talia was right the first day I met her. Sawyer was too good for this world, and I’d spend every day trying to make the earth a better place for her.

“Soren?” She pulled me from my thoughts.

Her wide eyes lifted from the coffee table photography book of horses she was flipping through.

“Yeah, Pretty Girl?” She bit her lip. I wish she wouldn’t do that.

“I want to ask you something, but can you not look at me?” She raised her brow.

We’d played this game before, so I knew she was going to say something deeply personal to her. She had told me it made her more comfortable, so I closed my eyes.

“Shoot.”

“Why don’t you touch me more?” She sounded nervous, but she quickly added, “I mean not that you have to or anything, but I like it when you hug me.”