Page 11

“Would you like a hug, Connor?”

“Uh-huh,” he mumbled as he dove for me.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as his little arms, encased in the hoodie, wrapped around me, and he buried his face in my shoulder.

It was hard to make out his words through the tears, but his next sentence rattled the center of my soul.

“I just want to be like other kids.”

I sniffed against the chill and held him close. I knew that feeling. I knew it better than I knew my own name. I still experienced it, except now I was an adult in a world that was built for “other” adults. Adults without the daily modifications from being a kid that fell through the cracks. Adults without bizarre and broken idiosyncrasies like me. I was closely acquainted with the emotions of “other.”

They say kids are resilient, but are they really when they grow up to be adults who need therapy to unpack things that happened decades ago? Things that had been swept under the rug of resilience.

“I understand,” I said softly.

I wanted to tell Connor I knew exactly how he felt, but the audience of Soren made me hesitant and unsure. I debated how much was too much to share with a nine-year-old. If there was anything I could do to make him feel less alone in this world, I knew I should. I strived daily to be the adult I wished I’d had as a child, and that adult would have helped regardless of who was onlooking. His incredulous eyes found mine.

“When I say I understand, Connor, it’s because I really do. I grew up being moved a lot, and it sucked, but you will have better days. I promise.” I held out my pinky for a pinky promise, because we had made others before. His small pinky linked with mine.

I would not tell him how few better days I had until I was an adult, but Connor was one of my kids. I was determined he’d never set foot into some of the sickening homes I had. I wasn’t going to let him see that side of things. The side that destroyed me from the inside out. The side that made me incomplete as an adult.

I could hear Soren shift again in his seat behind me, as if the band that restrained him was about to snap with action. I appreciated that he wanted to do something when he saw that something was wrong. The world needed more people like him. People that would be moved with compassion to do something. Connor wiped at his eyes.

“You were a foster kid?” Connor asked in disbelief. I paused.

“Yes, I was.”

The heat of Soren’s eyes burned on my back. I usually never vocalized anything personal, because nothing made me recognize my differences more than talking about my hell of a childhood. Connor looked at me before promising, “I’m sorry. I won’t run away again.”

I patted his shoulder and guided him toward the UTV. Only time would tell if he’d keep his word, but until then, I’d do everything in my power to help him have the best childhood possible.

“Lane will be here in a minute, then we can ride back to my place,” Soren instructed.

I couldn’t meet his eyes right now. Not when I'd laid my soul excruciatingly bare for someone I’d just met.

Soren stood and gestured to his seat, where I could sit while Connor took mine. Soren pulled a pack of Skittles from his backpack and tossed them to Connor.

“Hey, dude. I’m Soren.” Connor’s eyes met Soren, and he gave a small smile.

“Thank you!” Connor ripped open the bag and made quick work of the candy.

I scrubbed my hands down my face. Equally tired and relieved. The telltale signs of coming down from an adrenaline rush. Soren grasped his hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. Like Connor, I wished I was normal. Because instead of seeing it as an innocent comforting gesture, it surprised me and made me involuntarily flinch. Embarrassment made my face crimson. Soren removed his hand as gently as he had placed it and leaned down to search my face, meeting my eyes.

I didn’t know him well enough to explain. I wanted to tell him that I appreciated the gesture, but that sometimes my body and brain couldn’t agree on how to respond to things that startled me. Once I had time to reflect and take a moment for my racing heart to settle, I realized I was pushing away the very things I wanted most. Sometimes being completely wrapped up in a hug by someone I trusted sounded like the best thing that could ever exist in this world. Talia had long since ignored my immediate responses to things like hugs. I hardly ever had those involuntary physical reactions to her anymore, because she made it her business to hug me often and fiercely. It was as if my body and brain had realized that she was safe. She always said I could consider her my personal hug machine. I would always laugh, and she’d always squeeze me tighter. I did something brave and placed my hand on his forearm. His brow was quizzical, and the heat from his body bled through the thick canvas of his coat.

“Thank you. I couldn’t have found him without you.”

His mouth tugged at one corner and he nodded. He wasn’t quite smiling but his gaze was warm. Swiftly, someone who I was assuming was Lane crested the hill behind us and came riding up. He was oddly familiar as though I’d seen him before but it was potentially from the meeting earlier at Soren’s house. He was tall, athletically lean, and could be a cover model, with sandy blond hair and emerald eyes. After introductions, Connor buckled in on Lane’s UTV, and we headed back toward Soren’s house. The volunteers dispersed after I thanked each one. Medics examined Connor as I made several calls to the office, the Martins, the Baileys, and a quick text to Talia. The Baileys lived twenty minutes away and insisted on coming to pick up Connor to make the transition as easy as possible for him. They were truly some of the kindest people I had ever known. If I had ever had grandparents, I would have wanted someone like them. Mrs. Bailey was an avid gardener and baker, always sending me away with fresh baked goods anytime I transported kids to or from their home. I had even gotten her to share her delicious apple pie recipe. I hugged Connor once more, and he apologized to Soren who was more than gracious, even though I knew that monopolizing his afternoon had messed up his day. I waved at the Baileys and Connor as they pulled away.

Soren stood beside me, and I turned, saying, “I’ll be out of your hair now. Thank you again, and I hope the rest of your day is far less eventful.” A small smile tugged at my lips.

“Yeah.” He drew out the word and rubbed the back of his neck before his hazel eyes found mine. “Sawyer, I live my life with a ‘no regrets’ approach. I’d kick my own butt if I didn’t ask. There’s not anyone hurting you right? You’re safe?” My breath caught. My eyes widened and my cheeks heated as I realized he was referencing touching my shoulder earlier. I felt like a complete freak, but I was also strangely comforted that he was the type of man that would ask and not turn a blind eye.

“Not anymore.” I shared too much but also thought this sincere question deserved a truthful answer.

“Okay.” He nodded his head slowly, his eyes locked with mine, assessing and seeing too much.

“I should get going . . . ”