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Why was that in no way comforting?

“One or two times is no big deal, okay? It takes a few . . . goes.” He made a circle with his finger and thumb, and poked another finger through. “Which is why we can’t fuck anymore. One broken condom and I’ll fuck you up forever.”

The waitress appeared and asked us how our meal went.

“Can I please have a glass of water?” I wheezed.

She returned a few moments later, handed over the water, and explained that Kris was a few minutes out while I guzzled the entire glass.

After she’d removed the plates, and I’d cooled down, my thoughts cleared. “So, okay . . . Look, your main prey is humans, right?”

“Mostly.”

“So your little guys are designed to infect humans. Well, what about someone who isn’t entirely human? Would your magic sperm do their thing then?”

Zee narrowed his eyes. “How much not human?”

“Just a little bit not human?” I pinched my fingers together.

“Like . . . ten percent?”

I shrugged. “Maybe more? Maybe less?”

He rolled his eyes. “Alright, let’s put it this way. If I fucked a jukebox—not saying I did—I could fill it full of magic sperm and it wouldn’t turn into a zombie sex slave. If that’s what you’re getting at.”

I was going to have to get the jukebox thoroughly cleaned. “Kind of?”

“But for organic beings, it’s complicated,” he added.

“What about really big organic beings?”

Zee frowned. “How big?”

“Oh, I don’t know, like . . . maybe . . . bigger than a horse?”

He blinked. “A horse? I mean, I did fuck a horse once. Or was it a centaur? I was high. It’s kinda vague.” His head tilted, thoughts ping-ponging. “Or was it two guys in a suit? Did you know centaurs have two dicks? One at the front and the back. Because I did not fucking know that but I was pleasantly surprised⁠—”

“Or a house?” I interrupted, before he fell down a centaur-anatomy hole.

His frown deepened. “Bigger than a horse or a house?”

I shrugged. “Just theoretically speaking?”

“In theory—I’m still figuring this shit out since getting stuck here—but in theory, if I fucked a horse bigger than a house, not only would that be fucking terrifying, I doubt my magic sperm would do much, since they’re real small anyway and that’s a fucking big horse.”

“Okay.”

“Did that help, because I’m real fucking confused.”

“It helps.” I figured I was immune to his magic sperm, but it was still a risk, until we found out for sure. Which meant no penetrative sex with Zee. Probably good for the curse situation. But I already missed him. “I like being with you, though.”

Zee smiled for the first time since the conservation had taken a weird turn. “Babycakes, nobody is more fucking devastated than I am. Fucking you is right up there as one of my favorite things ever, right beside mac and cheese. If I could fuck you while eating mac and cheese, I’d combust.”

“You’re so sweet.”

“I know, right? I’m going to find a way to fix it. I don’t know what we are, Adam Vex, but it’s the best thing to happen to me, ever. And I will not let it go. You and me? We’re better than mac and cheese. I won’t ever fucking hurt you, even if that means I have to keep my dick in my pants. We can still get off. It just won’t be, you know, the same, until I figure it out.”

I had to tell him what I was. He’d earned it, and if it destroyed us, then so be it. It was wrong and selfish to keep my big secret when he was willing to go to such lengths for us. And if I did tell him, it had the added bonus of maybe saving our sex life? Or ruining it forever. It could go either way.