Page 107

“Yeah, well, it’s early days, and…,” I begin, then trail off.

“And?” Smithy asks.

I inhale deeply before saying, “I can’t help but worry about the future.”

Smithy puts his mug down on the table. “We all worry about the future, Owen.”

I glance up from my tea.

“I worry all the time that Romana will get ill, or something will happen to one of us, or that, one day, she’ll wake up and just not love me anymore. It’s normal, natural to have these worries because that’s what life is—the huge unknown. But you can’t stop those worries from letting you live; otherwise, none of us would ever do anything or be with anyone, and life would be very dull.”

“I know. I understand,” I say, wondering when Smithy became so wise, so grown-up. “I just can’t help worrying about the fact that she might want kids.”

“I take it she knows?” he asks.

“Yes.” I nod.

“Yet she’s still with you.”

“She is, but she’s upstairs with your children, probably plaiting their hair or having her own crimped.”

Smithy scowls. “Not crimped. That’s very 1980s and not in fashion anymore,” he jokes. “Look, man, I hear you, but you’re looking at this the wrong way. Yes, she’s here right now, upstairs with my kids, having her hair pulled out, but why is she enduring this?”

I blink.

“Because she wants to be with you. She wants to share in your life, and your life happens to include me, Romana, and the girls. It doesn’t mean she’s desperate for a child just because she’s upstairs spending time with my kids.”

“I guess.”

“What did she say when you told her about Pippa?” Smithy asks.

“All the usual stuff: how Pippa shouldn’t have walked out on me, how we should’ve stayed and supported each other through it.” I don’t tell him her exact words about rewriting the story rather than ripping out the page and starting again, words that meant so much at the time because that’s exactly how I thought a marriage should be.

“And did she mention kids, her feelings towards having them?”

“She said she wasn’t sure she wanted them or not, and that if she’d been Pippa, she would’ve stayed and looked at the alternatives because that’s what you do when you love someone.” My voice trembles slightly at the things she said, the things I’d wished Pippa had been able to say to me.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Smithy sits back in his chair.

“That doesn’t mean she isn’t going to wake up in five years and realise that all she wants is a baby and I can’t give her one.”

Smithy glares at me, a stern look on his face that I’ve seen him use with the twins when they’re being silly. “It’s not down to you to give someone a child, Owen. That’s not what having a family is about. You make a family together. And whether it’s biologically or not, it doesn’t matter. And whether that family involves kids also doesn’t matter. What matters is the way you bring your family up, the way you nurture them, love them, and give them all the experiences they need to be able to navigate the big, bad world. You need to stop thinking that having a child is all down to you. You can’t let the what-ifs rule your life, Owen; otherwise, you’ll never do anything, meet anyone, or experience things. You have to live in the now and for what feels right. And Romana and I both said Alice is right for you.”

He picks up his tea as if the matter is closed.

The last five days have felt unreal, and all I’ve done is the usual: get up, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. But the difference has been her. Alice has been with me. Though at times not in person because she’s gone back to her apartment or gone shopping. But just knowing she’s coming back to me, that I’ll see her again, that she’s mine has been enough. It’s all I’ve needed.

We haven’t discussed the future. I don’t want to bring it up because I think it’s too early, and I don’t want to scare her away or lose what we’ve just found.

Is it fear stopping me from approaching this?

Probably.

Yes.

Definitely.

I’ve spent so long looking for her, and now that she’s here, I don’t want anything to jeopardise it.