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‘Is Luuk in this plane?’ Otto asks, pointing at one in the sky, barely visible from our French door, his expression as if expecting Luuk to be piloting it.

I squeeze him and he squirms, but still enjoys it and leans in when I kiss the top of his head. ‘Most probably not. Planes fly very fast, so the one he’s in is now flying over the ocean.’

‘I don’t like it when he leaves,’ Ada says, frowning.

I mean, who can blame her…

‘I don’t like it either, baby. But he’ll be back soon.’ I try to make it sound as if it’s a few days’ time, while it’s actually six months, next year, really.

‘Why can’t he just stay? Why?’ Ada voices my wishful thinking in a very Cindy Lou Who way.

‘Because he has to work and needs to be in the US right now.’

‘But you also work and you are here,’ Otto says.

‘Yes, but Luuk’s job is different.’

Otto isn’t convinced. ‘Did you ask him?’

‘Ask him what?’

‘To stay, Mom. Maybe he will stay, if you ask him.’

I clap once. ‘How about we get ready and see Kalvin?’

Lola and I have arranged a playdate at their place, because Kalvin just got some new mini cars that he loves and can’t wait to show them, so they hurry to get ready and on the bakfiets, and we head towards Lola’s. It isn’t such a long ride, and in theory we could walk, but with the stuff my mom-backpack has, not to mention what my kids consider too important to leave behind—word said with eyes wide open, in case I don’t get it—the cargo bike is the wisest way. Also, I know it won’t be for long, for they have already started mentioning that they are big enough now—as in four going on thirty-four—to ride their own bikes to school. Otto even said that they know their way and could go by themselves.

Over. My. Dead. Body was the first thought, followed by, Who are you and what have you done with my baby boy? before making him promise to never leave the school alone, because I wouldn’t put it past them to sneak out and decide to play adults, if I was ever late.

‘I miss when Luuk came to the picnic with us,’ Ada mumbles.

The lump lodged in my throat since this morning is getting larger, and no attempt at clearing it works. ‘Luuk had to get back, because he needs to work,’ I explain for the umpteenth time, and they nod in unison, clearly not happy with the answer.

‘We can go see him,’ Otto suggests, as if it’s the most normal thing.

‘We’re here!’ I announce our arrival at Lola’s, a bit more cheerfully than usual.

Shortly after, they completely ignore me, too busy talking with their friend, and for a moment, I eavesdrop. How is it that one day I had two tiny creatures in my arms, and the other they are confident that they don’t need their boring old mom? Next what? They’ll kick me out of the house for a few days, claiming they need time to themselves?

When I tell Lola, she smiles in understanding. ‘I almost expect Kalvin to ask for a real car.’ She shakes her head, then sets her eyes on me. ‘How are you doing?’

I shrug. ‘Good, I guess. Why?’

‘Ah, you guess… That’s why.’

‘What?’

‘Is The Luuk Effect still strong?’

The Luuk Effect copyright belongs to Dory; who noticed how my mood would peak around Luuk’s visit, only to start gradually dipping after he would leave. No point in denying it. Maybe I’m not as vocal as my kids, but I also miss having him around, and count down until he’s back. But it’s been almost three years now, and it’s frustrating that nothing can change. Even if we did go see him, he’d still live there and we’d be here. Not to mention being seen with him and all the assumptions about the nature of our relationship.

‘I would very much like to hear Luuk’s take on this,’ Lola says.

‘How could he know? How could anyone know what a situation will be like, unless they give it a try?’

‘Aha!’ she says, almost triumphantly. ‘Maybe, then?’

‘Or maybe I should start dating? I mean seriously trying, not just splish-splashing.’