Page 15

DION

“It’s eleven-fifteen p.m on a school night, and I’m sitting on my sidewalk. My entire neighborhood is outside, as you can see InstaFam.” I talk to the video camera on my phone. I’m doing an impromptu Instagram live feed from my humiliating perch on the sidewalk while the gas company deals with the leak inside my house. The leak that was caused by none other than the fur-demon, Lola, who chewed through a gas connection pipe behind the range in the kitchen. “The EMTs are checking out my kids, but I’ve been given the all clear.” I keep going with my video, and you can bet your life — I don't care who you sic on me Nina — I will be tagging Mika in this. At least I have pants on tonight. “The bunny we were told was house broken, and the ‘perfect’ pet, chewed through a gas line, she’s graduated from expensive apple charging cables to attempted murder now.” I shift so that Lola, who is sitting on my lap chewing on a flower from my garden as if nothing is going on at all, can be seen. “She’s cute, but really, we all could have died had Nelly not smelled the gas on a midnight snack run to the kitchen.” I can see the likes, hearts and comments popping up as my kids come and join me. We must wait out here until they say we can go back inside.

“Being a single parent is hard enough, trust me, do not add a pet to the mix, no matter how hot the vet at the shelter is. He’s lying! This is like having a toddler on a sugar rush all day, every day.” Lola sticks her cute fluffy nose right in the camera before trying to eat my iPhone, making my point.

“Ma’am.” The man in charge of the gas situation interrupts me, and I quickly sign off my video. Tag Mika and shove my phone in the waistband of my pajama bottoms. “You won’t be able to stay here tonight, we will come by tomorrow and test again. It’s a miracle you’re all okay as it is. The gas will take some time to clear completely. Do you have somewhere to go? A relative, neighbor?” He looks around at the way my neighbors are eyeballing us and then says sheepishly, “Hotel maybe?”

“I’ll go to my sister, could they bring me my car keys?” I ask, because I don't have anything that isn’t living and breathing with me out here. We just ran. I should have left the bunny in there.

“Sure thing, ma’am. Do you know where they are?” No, I don’t know where they are. My face obviously tells him that. “Never mind, we'll look around for you.” He looks down at my bare feet and asks me, “Shoes?”

“Please,” I reply as he puts his fancy gas mask thingy back on and nods.

I call my sister.

“Amelia,” I say as soon as I hear the call connect. “We have a problem, can we stay at your house tonight?”

“Holly -Anna finally burned the house down then?” she snickers.

“No, the devil-rabbit caused a gas leak so we can’t go back inside until tomorrow.” She is full-on laughing now. “It is not funny. Not fucking funny at all.”

“Fine, come here, you know you’re always welcome. Zach can take the sofa and you girls can take the guest room.”

“Thank you, Sis.” The gas dude in the mask comes back with my sneakers and my keys. “See you in a few.” I hang up and say thanks. Wrangling my three tired and traumatized kids into the car, we drive off behind the ambulance that was called to check on us. More than a few people came outside to see what in the fresh suburban hell is going on. Their lives are so bleak, this is like primetime television for them. I bet I’ll be the hot gossip for at least a week. We are almost at Amelia’s when my phone rings with an unknown number. I answer just in case it’s the gas guys.

“Dion.” Oh, I know that voice.

“Mika,” I greet through gritted teeth, because he’s on speaker and my chat with his PR person or whoever the fuck she thinks she is, wasn’t exactly pleasant.

“Are you all right?” he asks.

“I’m fine. You’re on speaker.” Just in case he wants to mention our dinner-not-date. “We are going to my sister’s.”

“Oh.” He knows what I mean. “I really think it’s best if I check on Lola. Because the gas sinks, she will have been the most exposed.”

“You are not coming to my sister's house!” I snap.

“I will meet you at my practice in ten minutes,” he says. “She might need medical attention.”

“Mom, is Lola going to die?” Holly-Anna starts to cry.

“No.” Fuck’s sake. “I’m just dropping my kids off then I’ll bring the damn rabbit to you.”

“I’ll go open up in the meantime,” Mika says. “Come as soon as you can.” Of course he’s worried about the bunny, she’s cute. He likes her.

My girls are now teary-eyed and worried about their poor pet, and I want to strangle the vet, not for the first time either. Zach is his usual grumpy-teenage-self, huffing and puffing because his precious sleep has been disrupted. Amelia greets us with a smile and an open door.

“I have to take the fucking rabbit to the vet, can you get them settled for me?” I ask her.

“The hot vet?” She looks me up and down. “Okay.” She seems amused.

“That’s the one. Although I prefer the ‘annoying asshole vet’. It sounds better.” Amelia just gives me the ‘I know you, sister’ look and I turn around to take Lola to get checked out. With any luck, she’ll kick the bucket before I get there, and I won’t need to harvest an organ to pay for all the shit she keeps eating.

“Behave!” my sister shouts after me, and I flip her the bird. I look at the bunny sprawled out on the back seat, if she does croak then the vet won’t come over anymore, and I won’t have a reason to tag him on Instagram. That thought makes me pause — I don’t like that idea. And the fact that I don’t makes me irrationally angry at the bunny.

The roads are quiet, and it takes half the time it usually would to get to the animal clinic. The bunny looks just fine, she’s chewing the seat belt clip like nothing happened at all. Murderous little ball of fluff, I could kill her right now if I wasn’t driving. It sinks in just how dangerous tonight was. How it could have been so much worse than it was. How one cute, wiggling-nosed bunny could have killed us all.

When I park in the empty lot, there are a few lights on inside. Opening the back door of my car, I cautiously grab Lola, who has decided she will now kick, and scratch and bite, just for fun. By the time I push open the clinic door with my ass, I’m bleeding, and Lola is licking my wounds. She is so gross.