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“You should try it, Dad. You’re never going to get laid playing golf, and the women at the polo club are all bottomed, fake boobed, old cougars that have been divorced more times than Mom,” Lycan chimes in with some absolute madness. Try it. Not a chance in hell.

“You’ve been doing too many recreational drugs while at college,” I say, as a server comes to take our food order. Thankfully.

The kids and I all order the exact same meals they have chosen for ten years, and Emily orders some vegan shit. Maybe they did meet at yoga, I doubt that though.

“How many dates have you been on, Dad?” Tala is loving this line of questioning. I can see the miss-matchmaker wheels turning over in her head.

“A few,” I lie through my teeth. “I don’t need to date.”

“You’re retired now — you literally have nothing to do. You can’t tell me the idea of getting laid doesn’t at least excite you a little.” They have other apps for that, but your credit card is required. The ladies are discreet and good at what they do, they also don’t call you — ever. My children do not need to know that.

“Can we talk about something else?” Anything. “Fallon, are you dating?”

“Fallon is a fuck-boy, he doesn’t date. He is the poster child for hook-up culture,” Tala says, as if I am not their father but just one of them. I haven’t a clue what in the hell she just said.

“Fuck you, Tala,” Fallon snaps. “I’m too busy for a girlfriend.” I can relate to that, for years I was too busy. Now I really don’t have an excuse. “Are you dating, Tala? Why isn’t your boyfriend here for the summer?” Fallon hits back. And immediately I know he knows something I don't. Her face is a dead giveaway, even when she flips him the bird. Her scowl, the way her forehead wrinkles. My daughter has a secret. One she definitely doesn’t want me knowing about.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” I watch as Lycan whispers something to Emily and she nods, her eyes on me. Tala is visibly relieved when our meals come. I wouldn’t ask her here, not in front of her brothers. I’ll wait, there will be time. She usually tells me everything. We enjoy our meal and my heart is full; having my kids close makes me happy. It’ll make me crazy by the end of the summer too — but I’m happy. Lycan seems truly head over heels in love with Emily. The sort where boys become stupid and lose their common sense.

My quiet, too big for one person penthouse is chaos as soon as we arrive home. Bags, clothes, electronics, it’s like urban sprawl – they just take over everything. When I moved here, I made sure they all had their own rooms, and it stayed that way. Now they’re twenty, and I don't know what the protocol is for girlfriends. Shit. Does she share with Tala? Stay with Lycan? I don’t think I want to know they’re having sex in the room next to mine. What if I hear them— No.

“Lycan, how are we going to work rooms with Emily here?” I ask, because now it’s in my head and I can’t get it out.

“What do you mean?” he asks, looking genuinely confused.

“I mean where is your girlfriend going to sleep? As there’s only one bed in your room.” He’s frowning at me now and looking at his siblings for support. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I want to be cool with it, but my inner dad is so not cool with it.

“She’s going to sleep in my bed; we live together, Dad. I am not fourteen, you can chill.” I’ve embarrassed him.

“How am I supposed to know you’re living together?” There seem to be a lot of secrets in this family all of a sudden. “You didn’t think to mention it?”

“Because I knew you’d get weird about it.” Lycan grabs Emily’s hand and storms off down the passage to his room and slams the door. This is off to a great start. One by one, they disperse into the house, leaving me alone as always.