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He looked good today, his hair and leather jacket making him look like James Dean, and I wished that I was more attracted to him. He was a catch, but he was also one of the good guys.

There it was again.

Contrition.

“Do you want to come up? Maddy is out, and I’m done with my classes for today.”

“Do you want me to come up?”

I tightened my hand around the strap of my messenger bag and nodded. “I need to tell you something.” Alex frowned. “I think it’s time I was honest with you.”

He nodded and then followed me to my apartment. We didn’t say anything until we were inside. I made some tea, and then took a seat next to him on the sofa. I faced him, crossing my legs and tucking my feet beneath my butt. He wiped his hands up and down his jean-clad thighs as if he was nervous.

“I was in a car accident.”

His head whipped to me. “What? Are you okay? Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“I’m fine,” I put my hand on his leg. “It was almost four months ago. They put me in a medically induced coma for a few days because of my brain injuries, but when I woke up I had some memory loss.” I waited for Alex to say something, I could tell from his expression he was trying to put it all together. When he didn’t say anything, I continued. “I lost my memories from the year preceding the accident. My entire first year of college, everything that happened, it’s all gone. That’s why I’ve been all over the place, I’m still trying to figure things out.”

“That’s…crazy. Wow.”

“Maybe I should have to told you sooner, when we started hanging out, but I wasn’t ready.”

“So we’re just hanging out?” Alex’s change of tack was a little surprising, but also a relief. I was glad he chose not to ask more questions about my accident.

“For now,” I replied, finding that it was as honest an answer as I could give him. “I like spending time with you, but I don’t like you were talking to Maddy instead of coming to me.”

“You’re closed off Kenzi, and I didn’t understand. I didn’t think you’d talk to me, so I asked Maddy, but only because I was worried. I care about you.”

I exhaled, and sucked my lips into my mouth. I cared about him too, but I was starting to realize that it wasn’t the same way he cared about me.

“I understand now,” he added quietly. He must have misinterpreted my silence because he stood up. I grabbed his hand. “Stay.” My eyes met his. “Please. I’d like to see where this is going.”

I was going to hurt him, I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was at war with myself on a daily basis, and being with Alex was no different. I was torn between wanting to be with him, and then not wanting to be with him. It wasn’t fair to him, but I asked him to stay anyway.

He hesitated, and then asked, “Should I be worried about Vaughan?”

“No. But he is part of my Dad’s team, which means he’s going to be around. I need to know you’re not going to get upset.”

Alex sat back down, and angled his body towards mine. “I see the way he looks at you, Kenzi. I can’t help it if I get jealous.”

“He’s no one, like I said before. And if you don’t believe me then maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

“Okay.” He leaned in. “If you say I shouldn’t be worried about him, then I won’t be.”

He kissed me, and I returned it, savoring the feeling of his lips on mine. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking, and making out, and when Maddy came home, we all had dinner. It felt normal. I wasn’t sure I wanted normal anymore.