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“We’re preparing her properly,” I reply, keeping my tone even. I assure him, just as I did before her performance. He believed me, before Tobias showed his hand, and showed he fucking cared. “I just slipped, blame the flame-throwers for not picking up their shit.”

“Regardless ...” He runs a hand beneath his desk. “Tobias? Is there a reason why you decided to interfere with the show when you chose to not be a part of it anymore?”

I fight every urge in my body to turn to look at Tobias on my left, but I won’t. The Ringmaster once knew something was between us — something that changed Tobias. That’s why my name is foul on his tongue, he was no longer his, and his precious treasure stopped being a part of the Big Top Show.

* * *

“I can’t do this anymore, baby,” I say to Tobias, my voice echoing through his tent of mirrors. I pace back and forth, my reflection multiplied. “Not after tonight. Twenty-five shows ... I was a shit soul when I walked through those gates, but I wasn’t this.”

The girl, barely an adult. Her screams still echo in my ears, even though the cries stopped hours ago. I spin the knife in my hands over and over, trying to keep the memory of her skin burning, under Tobias’s touch no less, out of focus. He always helps The Ringmaster, and it pisses me off.

Tobias sits calmly in his chair, fingers steepled beneath his chin. The paint he wears is half removed, almost as if his face were melting. “We all have our roles to play, Kenan. Mine is to mark them ... Yours, when chosen, just like me, is to bring them in.”

“Bring them in?” I laugh bitterly. It’s true that the magic of The Carnival gives them a stamp to mark who they should be guided by, should they choose to stay, but yet I’m always the last act. The knife, the ropes, the way most people love the thrill of danger. My official role is to make sure they stay where we need them, so they can be taken without causing alarm to the audience who doesn’t realize how close to death they truly are. “You’re meant to take the fucking ticket so that they can choose between death now or eternal torture! It’s bullshit! Not to mention the fact that the guardians are supposed to prepare them for the Patrons. Did you see her face tonight? She was barely 19.” I slam my fist against one of his mirrors, shattering it before it moves back together. “She thought she was part of the show ... they always think they are part of the show. I’m the one who gets to become the monster, because I’m the last fucking person they see before The Ringmaster and their guardian gets them!”

He stands up, putting his hand on my wrist and pulling me into him, his hands cupping my face. “Just as we had happen to us. What would you have me do?” He’s trying to calm me; he wants me to be mad at him so that I don’t take it out on someone else … and The Ringmaster decides to punish me for it. Still, I’m not like Tobias. I know his history, and he’s gotten desensitized to everything we do.

He runs a hand through my hair, and for a moment I want to pretend we haven’t had this argument for years. Every time, this is how he convinces me to ignore it. I’ll stop speaking, distracted by his touch, he’ll silence me with the lips I dream about and I’ll be lost in him for the rest of the night ... but not this time, I can’t.

“Fight it!” I yell, and while most would cower from my expression, he doesn’t flinch. “You know more about this place than anyone except The Ringmaster.”

He sighs heavily, his hands leaving my face. Something in his eyes flickers before he looks back down. “And that’s why I keep doing what I have to. If you can’t do that, then we need to end this. For good.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I yell back. It’s something about his voice. It’s different tonight. He looks at me as if I’m nothing more than the dirt on his shoe. I step back. Surely he’s not –

“I mean it, Kenan. If you can’t handle this, then I’m done. I’m finished with this. I can’t sit here and coddle you anymore.”

Tobias’s words are hateful, dark, and something I’ve never heard from him … at least not towards me. I make the only decision I can think of right now.

I walk towards the door. “Fuck you, Tobias.”

* * *

“You are both coddling her,” I pull my attention back to The Ringmaster, ignoring how he used the same word Tobias once used towards me. The Ringmaster’s breath comes in quicker now, and his hand remains under his desk. The fuck?

“She should already be learning what the next seven years in the In-Between will be like.” He stops for a moment. “She had her choice to die first, but if she wants to be here, then she needs to be broken before her official initiation.”

“She’s different from the others,” I try to stop myself from saying the words, but they come out anyway. That was stupid. There is something about Emerson. While I’ve always resented my role here, never have I tried to help one of them get away. Wanted to? Yes. Tried? No.

Never have I dared to do anything that would put me or Tobias in the position that we’re in right now. Yet, when I first saw her ... the fire that burned within her, or maybe it was just the way she challenged me. Regardless, of course I wanted her, but I was equally ready to let her go to protect her from this hell.

“They’re all different, Knife-thrower. That’s what makes them worth taking.”

Oh, now I’m just the “knife-thrower” like he doesn’t know my name.

A thud from under the table pulls my attention as Rosie slinks out from under it, wiping her lips before she turns and smiles at me and Tobias. Rising from his throne-like chair, as he adjusts his pants, The Ringmaster begins to circle me, and I resist the urge to track him with my eyes.

“She’ll be ready,” Tobias says quickly.

“She better be.” The Ringmaster stops in front of me and his hand shoots out, fingers wrapping around my forearm where my own brand sits. Three centuries faded it to a silvery scar. The pain is immediate and blinding as he presses his thumb into it, the magic that makes sure we are all trapped here, the magic he fucking controls.

I hear Tobias take a breath beside me, and I already know his gloved fingers are tightened into a fist. He may have ignored me for a few years, but I still know him better than anyone else ever will.

“Or I’ll ensure you both remember how much privilege I’ve given you in my carnival, and how quickly it can be taken away,” The Ringmaster spits as I fight to fall to my knees.

Chapter 19

Layla helped me find my way back to Tobias’s tent last night, which apparently is where I am expected to stay until ... I don’t know. I replay everything in my mind this morning, though the images were already on repeat as I tossed and turned sleep away.