Page 33

My plan is to read, so that’s what I do. Or try to do. Something feels…off. Just beneath the surface of my skin. A subtle tug I can’t explain. Like a thread pulling me…to him. I stare at the words covering the page, forcing myself to focus on them. But the longer I sit here, the worse it gets. The feeling builds, spreading under my ribs. Like he needs something. Someone.

I close my eyes and try to breathe through it, to ignore it, but it doesn’t leave. My feet hit the floor before I even decide to move, and the next thing I know, I’m walking across the lawn and up the steps to his house.

His silhouette is visible through the glass of the narrowly cracked door. When my tapping goes unanswered, I let myself in.

Rhenn sits on his knees in front of the fireplace, watching the embers burn. He doesn’t say anything when I enter, even though I know he heard me come in.

My eyes are drawn to the tall and narrow bottle sitting atop the table in the center of the living room. The liquid it holds shimmers, sparkling a deep ruby. Even in the dark, its particles glint from the inside, dancing circles in the near opaque glass.

“I didn’t think you were coming tonight,” Rhenn mumbles, an almost slur to his words.

Was he expecting me?

“You drink all that yourself?” I ask, glancing again to the large and mostly empty bottle of…whatever it is.

He shrugs, keeping his back to me. “Don’t know why. It never helps.”

I move closer, stopping when I’m near enough to feel the warmth of the dying flames. “Never helps what?”

Rhenn’s hands rest on the floor in front of him. His hair is messy, eyes set on the charred remains of wood. The fire cracks softly. It’s the only sound for a long while before he finally sighs. “I’ve told you to stop asking questions like that.”

My focus on him narrows. Rhenn has never once said that to me. I’ve also never asked anything even remotely like that prior to this.

“Well,” I say, taking my place beside him, “what am I allowed to ask?”

He shakes his head. “No questions.”

“Okay. Can I at least sit with you for a while?” I still feel it, that uncomfortable gnawing in my chest, like maybe he shouldn’t be alone right now.

Rhenn hides it well, but I’ve seen glimpses of the sadness that shadows him. His anger is only a way to mask the things he refuses to let out. I know because I do the same thing. Our fractures collide with one another, and I think that’s why we constantly fight. For him, I’m not sure where it’s derived from. For me, it all started when my mom disappeared. Everything that keeps me up at night begins with her departure from my life.

I love my mother with everything I have. I’m not sure I should though. There’s a hole inside me, scars so deep only I can see. She didn’t put them there, but they happened because of her. Because she wasn’t there. The child in me died the moment I was thrown into the system.

In place of an answer from Rhenn, he shifts his position, resting his head overtop my lap. I pause, not sure how to respond, then run my fingers awkwardly through his hair, trying to be comforting if that’s what he needs. The problem is, I don’t know how to comfort someone. I can’t be affectionate in any form of the word, since the word itself is foreign to me.

“I miss him,” Rhenn admits, still focused on the fire. He doesn’t need to elaborate. I know he means his dad. Rhenn never talks about his father. At least, he hasn’t with me. Not since that first day when he told me both of his parents were dead.

“I know. It fucking sucks he’s gone.” No one should have to grow up without their parents. We’re bonded in this way, even if he won’t admit it. “He’s a part of you though. Everything you loved and admired that was in him, it’s in you. He’ll always be here in that way.”

“Then why do I feel so alone?”

I really, really wish I knew the answer. It’s one I’ve been asking myself for as long as I can remember.

“If we’re both alone in the same universe, are we really alone?” Maybe we are, but maybe knowing there’s someone else who can relate at least a little might help. If he knows he can rely on me when he’s feeling like this, maybe I can find it in myself to rely on him too. There has to be a better way than shutting out the world.

“I’m not going to be in this one for much longer.” The words are barely a whisper. So soft they nearly slip past me.

But when they do, they hit like a scream.

“What the hell does that mean?” My voice is louder than I intended, more stern. Seriously though, what the hell? I have to take a breath to steady myself. “Are you…sick?”

The silence seems to last forever before he finally speaks again. “Do you think it’s cold in the Land of Shadows?” Rhenn curls into himself, embodying a childlike innocence, which makes him almost vulnerable to look at. “I remember it being so cold.”

Land of Shadows?

Again, I glance at the mostly empty bottle. He’s just having a hard night. I’m sure that’s all this is. I’ve had plenty myself, and yes, it does feel like your world’s going to end sometimes. I just hope he’s smart enough to know that it’s not, no matter how hard it gets.

There’s no resistance when I suggest he go to bed and sleep off the burdens of this evening. Rhenn drapes his arm around my shoulder, both of us working to keep him steady as I lead him to his room. He collapses onto the bed, body still and eyes already closed.