Page 149

He thinks I’m mad at him. Hurt over the fact he went behind my back with the girl I used to have. Maybe I should be angry. Siena and I never put a label on us; we were together on and off for a long time. I cared about her.

For some reason, I don’t feel it, the anger. I don’t feel anything.

“You mean so much to me, and I’d hate for our friendship to end over this…” Ashen looks up from the floor, a world of conflict circling through his eyes. “I’ve loved her since we were nine.”

A new emptiness grows in my stomach. Why didn’t he ever tell me? How could I not have known? It seems I’m rather good at hurting the people closest to me.

“We should have told you when it started. I am so fucking sorry, man. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

He sounds genuinely concerned I might write him off, looks it, even. Ashen is a lot of things, a shitty friend isn’t one of them. If he’s been sneaking around with Siena, it’s because he truly does love her. He wouldn’t risk me finding out otherwise. What we share goes beyond friendship. We’re brothers.

“If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.”

“You don’t seem happy. In fact, you haven’t for a while. If you’ve known about us…” He shakes his head again. “I’ve already told her it can’t continue, but it should have never started.” The moment those words spill from his lips, he looks like he’s been gutted. Cut open and drained. It’s the first time I feel anything other than my own self-pity.

“Ashen, stop apologizing. This,” I say, motioning over myself, “has nothing to do with you. Go be with her. It’s fine. I’m not mad.”

“Really?” he asks, perking up just in the slightest before slumping back down. “If you’re not upset about me and Siena, what’s been going on?”

Not the direction I was hoping this conversation would go. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

There’s that word again. Fine. Everything is fine.

He moves closer to me, placing his hand on my shoulder and lowering his voice. “You miss her, don’t you?”

“Who?” It’s a stupid question, since he and I both know exactly who he’s referring to.

“You know, sometimes the line between like and dislike is so thin they cross into each other. Maybe she was more than just a pest to you.”

He doesn’t realize just how thin that line truly is. “It doesn’t matter. She wanted to go home, so she did. End of story.”

“Is it?” my brother urges. “These girls, they may not share our order. That doesn’t mean we can’t be happy for a while.”

Key words. It doesn’t matter how much I might want Sumner, it would never amount to anything more than a short-lived fling. Our orders can’t be paired. Not without tarnishing the bloodline.

“Which makes what I’m about to tell you hard. But please don’t be mad. I just wanted to help.” Ashen’s words are falling quickly now. He even scoots back on the couch, forcing more space between us.

“What?” I ask, having zero idea where this is going. I’ve already told him I’m okay with him and Siena being together. Their relationship doesn’t bother me.

“You know how Sumner was saving up to leave?”

“Yes,” I respond, feeling the tension creep down my spine. The picture is coming into view now, and I’m not liking it.

“I figured it was a win-win, ya know? Siena didn’t like her, like, at all, and you didn’t seem to either. Plus, I felt bad for how we treated her in the beginning. So I⁠—”

“Witch’s Flash?” I cut in, my voice low. “You gave her Witch’s Flash?” My anger is more than justified. If the potion didn’t work, it would have been because of him. He knows the risks of using that shit. Of all the different methods of travel, that one is by far the most dangerous, making it the cheapest.

That isn’t an excuse. If you’re going to give my girl the key to leave me, you sure as shit better make sure you’re not endangering her life in the process.

Ashen moves back another inch. “Ada seemed to know what she was doing when she was making it. If I knew you cared about her…”

I want to lash out, tell him I don’t give a damn about the human. The words sit on my tongue, and they taste like acid. It’s so far from the truth, and I hate that my first instinct is to deny her. I’m so lost in how I think I should feel versus how I actually do. She’s ruined me. Sumner took my father, and then she somehow became my cure. The flickering light in my dying inferno. I can’t bring myself to lie about what she is for me anymore.

This time, I’m the one who lowers my head. “I fucked everything up.”

“Fucked it up how bad?”

My eyes find his, more serious than I was expecting, like he’s invested in what I’m feeling, rather than judging it. But how do I say it? How do I let him know how bad I hurt her? That I lied to her. That I…broke her.