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“Ugh.” Allora makes a frustrated sound.
“I’m going to talk to my doctor about it, but in the meantime, I feel like I’m going crazy, you know?”
“Is Elliott coming over later?”
“Yeah. After they meet with your dad and Metal.”
“You know, it’s not the worst thing in the world to lean on the man in your life. I mean, you don’t have to tell him you’re freaking out, but it’s okay to say, ‘hey, I don’t feel like myself right now—please be patient with me.’ Landon and I went through a lot of that in the aftermath of my kidnapping.”
“Yeah, but you had a solid reason. I’m just a fucked-up mess.”
“You have a disease,” she says softly. “It’s not the same.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have rained on your parade.”
“Oh, no biggie. I may not get the part, so it might be moot anyway.”
“When do you try out or whatever?”
“Landon and I are flying to Atlanta next week. He’ll do the security thing, and I’ll read for the part.”
“You’d better call me the second you know!”
“Believe me, I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops.”
I laugh. “I’ll bet.”
“And Luna—for real. Lean on Elliott. If having him sleep over makes you feel safe, then ask him to sleep over. If you feel better when you’re together, ask him for that attention. This should be the honeymoon period of your relationship. It’s okay to ask for what you need.”
“I’m not good at that,” I whisper. “Especially not with guys. I’m too used to them saying no.”
“Elliott isn’t going to say no. Not a chance in hell.”
The good news is that I think she’s right.
The bad news is that I might be too afraid to find out.
Chapter Thirty
Rage
The next week is busy. Between trips to L.A. to work out with Toby, my regular tasks at Shadow Security, and spending time with Metal and the club, I feel like I’m neglecting Luna. She hasn’t said anything—she knows I’m busy and she’s had a lot on her plate at work too—but I feel bad. She hasn’t been herself lately, but I can’t put my finger on what’s going on with her.
I’m sure part of it is hormones and everything to do with her PMOS.
But there’s a tiny part of me that feels like there’s something else. Something she either doesn’t want to share or…can’t. The thing is, I can’t imagine what it could be. According to her, I know all her secrets now, so there shouldn’t be anything she’s keeping from me that would impact her on a daily level.
Does it have something to do with Roger sending her those stupid packages? She told me she didn’t want me to get involved and as long as he’s only sending her shit like black roses, I want to respect her wishes.
Her anxiety also might be pregnancy-related and that makes more sense. She’s sensitive about the topic. Or rather, it often feels like she’s defensive about it. She’s always quick to point out how long it could take, or that it might not happen at all, and from where I’m sitting, that’s some sort of self-defense mechanism for her own sanity.
Honestly, I’ve never thought about infertility. I always assumed that when and if the time came, my partner would get pregnant. Having a partner who may not be able to get pregnant or carry a child to term isn’t something I ever considered.
When I jumped into this, I somewhat naively assumed we’d hit pay dirt. I don’t ever think in terms of failure. It’s not part of my DNA. But seeing Luna’s reaction when she got her period was jarring for me. Not because I’m upset with her or anything like that, but because reality hit a little closer to home than I’m comfortable with.
I’m a take charge kind of guy—if there’s a problem, I figure out how to solve it.
That’s simply not possible in this case. There are options, obviously. We have great insurance through Shadow Security, so we could see every specialist in the country if we wanted to, but I don’t think Luna wants to go through that. Not yet. And I don’t want her to. I’ve done some reading and having to give herself injections, and live life on a schedule of meds and procedures sounds awful.
