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“Fine. You do okay with the hand-to-hand shit. But you’d suck at a sword fight.”

“Sword fight? Why the fuck would you bring one of those when you can use a gun?”

She shrugs. “For honor.”

“Honor my ass. Bullets are faster and leave less room for error.”

“Only an error if you suck at it.”

“Ah, my two favorite people talking about killing. How lucky can a girl get?” Natalie saunters over to us and leans against the counter, picking up a sushi roll between her fingers and putting it into her mouth.

She looks exhausted. I know she doesn’t sleep. I’ve been by her side most of the time. I’ve dragged her to the bed a few times, wrapped my arms around her, and just held her, but she hasn’t slept. Not real, restorative sleep. Only bits here and there.

I’m still coming off my deployment, feeling like I never left. I can operate on just a few hours because I’m trained to do so. But this is new for Natalie. She’s been through hell, but this is a different type of pressure that takes more than a breathing cycle or one good night’s sleep to fix.

She’s preparing for a war she never wanted to be part of, and now she has to play a role she doesn’t know the rules for.

But I’m not worried. Because if I’ve learned one thing about Natalie since the beginning, since the moment I laid eyes on her, she makes her own rules.

And the Yakuza have no clue what kind of woman they’re choosing to battle with.

Chapter 29 - Natalie

“We can’t wait any longer,” Shin says, and I sigh before nodding, agreeing it’s time despite the nerves currently jumping off the high dive in my stomach.

With a deep breath, I nod at Gina, who leads the way out of the car and into the building with me following. Atom is close beside me but, per the protocol Grandfather insisted on, slightly behind me by half a step.

It’s kind of funny if you think about it. It took less than half a day to get people on my side. The real task was the discussion on how I would arrive at this meeting. Be here first. Come late. Walk in alone or with a team at my back. Every part of this is a dance coordinated by everyone involved. It’s like a damn royal decree or something.

“Breathe, Sunshine,” Atom mutters behind me, and I give in to the weakness I feel and reach back for him. He takes my hand quickly, as if needing the touch as much as I do, and squeezes it in assurance.

I’ve never once reached out to a person for comfort before. Something I now regret. If I had known how much it would have helped release the hand squeezing my heart, the one that makes it hard to breathe and think rationally, I would have held on to Atom for the last two days straight. As it was, I barely saw him, but I listened each time he spoke. Knowing, with every part of me, that he wasn’t out for something, unlike some of the others I’ve dealt with. The Leones and Hounds, even the Devils are okay. The Yakuza who are now with me are only doing so because of things I can provide, favors. Atom’s at my side because he loves me.

He hasn’t said it, though. Maybe I’m wrong and it’s not what he feels. But I’ve seen love. I’ve seen it in the way the Hounds are with their old ladies. I know what it looks like. The way a man looks after his woman, not in a possessive way or even in a protective way. No, it’s with adoration, happiness, and a bit of fear. Fear that one day life might go on without them. That they’ll experience what Law did, losing his first love.

Something I think is a driving factor for most of them to move past and accept his new woman, Diana, fully. They say they do, and I think they want to, but I believe some part of them is afraid that it will be them one day. One day they’ll have to live without their soulmate, and the thought makes them fearful.

I also believe that’s why Ruby was so upset about it. I never told her, though. Didn’t think it was my place to judge a person when I have so little experience of my own.

She was sad about her dad losing his memory, but she dealt with it in her own way. She could move past that. But that he forgot her mom, I think, was the bigger issue. Because if he could forget his greatest love, then what right does she have not to fear that her own love will forget her one day?

How can a person not react, good or bad, when they see their greatest fear play out before them? Being forgotten is the worst thing in life. I know, I’ve felt it many times. Death isn’t even as scary as that. Everyone can lie and say it’s something else, like spiders or being buried alive, but it all comes to the base feeling that no one is there to remember or help you. No one comes to your aid to rescue you if you’re forgotten. And there’s no one to share your burdens if you’re alone.

The thought is sobering, and I glance back, just for a second, and meet Atom’s eyes before looking forward again and letting my hand fall away from his as we continue walking toward the meeting room at the end of this long hallway.

Atom knows what he feels. He’s said as much without words. Each action he takes puts me first, even my own words before his. I’ve been warring with myself over the last few days regarding what I feel for him. Each time he shows me his acceptance of my wishes, him looking to me for orders, or just waiting for me to make the call before him. I’m conflicted. I’ve never felt something for a person before. I’ve lusted after a man once, but after what happened during my second kidnapping, it didn’t happen again. I used sex for what it was: a tool to show myself I was still in charge of things.

But with Atom?

Cole….

I look at him with want, sometimes need. But I hold back. Lust would overtake me with action if that’s all this was. But it’s not. There’s something else that I feel when I’m with him, and I don’t know what that is. I don’t think it’s love, and that brings me guilt. Guilt for not allowing him the happiness of knowing I love him as well, but also because my mind still sees him as a captor of sorts. The parts that speak in the middle of the night, or flash through my mind when I’m already overwhelmed with fear of doing it all wrong. It sneaks in and says, “Oh, and you failed at more than you thought, because you might be falling for someone who’s taken your freedom.”

Gina stops right before the doors and looks at me with an expectant eyebrow raise, silently asking if I’m ready.

I shake my head vigorously to dispel my jumbled thoughts about my feelings for Atom and take a breath with my eyes closed. When I open them, I feel centered and aligned. I nod once, and the doors open before me.

I’m greeted with a row of windows across from me, blocked by men standing behind other men who sit at a table. A table with not a single empty chair. A clear sign there’s no room for me.