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“Take your time,” Whisper says, rubbing my hand.

“All of us were staying at my grandparents’ house for Christmas. It was a nice time too. We made tamales and sang songs and decorated the tree. One night I got up to get some water. There were so many of us kids that we were all scattered around the basement floor. I heard something that didn’t sound right. It was like muffled voices, crying. I followed the noise and found my cousin, uh, assaulting another cousin. He was nineteen but his victim was ten.”

“Jesus, Blush.”

“He was…hurting him. Anally. I saw red. I pulled him off and just lost it. Everyone woke up, of course, and the adults pulled me off my cousin, but there was blood, so there was proof of what he did. You know how they handled it?”

“I don’t.”

“They didn’t do anything. They prayed over him, prayed for the devil to release him. They gave my abused cousin some extra cookies and sent the other cousin home early. That’s it. That’s all they did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I knew it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. It festered in me, this feeling of helplessness. Of injustice. My little cousin would have to bear those scars of the assault while my older cousin just went on with his life. So I decided to do something about it. To free us both.”

“Go on.”

“He was my first victim. Tony. I followed him for months, learned his routine, let the rage build. I saw him cruising for kids more than once, but he never picked one up. At least not when I was watching. I hated him, Whisper. Hated that he existed and that he got away with what he did, knowing he’d probably done it before. He’d been divorced twice and lots of girlfriends and all the women had kids. All of them.”

“Fuck. He was doing that on purpose, wasn’t he?”

“I think so. But he never got arrested and he got to keep his shitty little grocery job. On Wednesday nights he went to the Hawk for beers and pool. He had friends. He laughed. I couldn’t stand that. How dare he be happy when he’s hurt people.”

I take a deep breath and exhale, leaning my head back against the headrest.

“I didn’t set out to kill him. Not at first. I just wanted to hurt him, real bad. Hospital hurt. I followed him after work, watched him get gas and walk inside to pay, and then I was there. He didn’t recognize me at first. I’m pretty different from the last time he saw me. I told him who I was and he got cocky. He told me to get the fuck out of his way. Then something just snapped. I never understood that expression until it happened to me.”

“What did it feel like?”

“Like nothing else existed. Just Tony and me. The world around me grayed out and all I could see was black, hot rage. I launched myself at him and just wailed. I let it all out—my cousin, Lisa, all the victims of guys like him. He was choking, gasping for air, and that broke me out of my trance. I looked down at him and realized he would die, and I was flooded with this incredible lightness. I didn’t regret anything. No. The opposite. I felt like I should’ve done it sooner. Wished I had.”

I open my eyes and look at Whisper.

“Killing Tony took the lid off my rage and I started hunting. I bought a gun from some guys in a park and got to work. I found the guy who hurt Lisa. He was in his fifties and had a new girlfriend with a new teenage daughter. He worked nights at the train station, so he was easy. I waited outside his car and followed him to a stoplight. Then I got out, I walked over, tapped on his window, and when he lowered it, I told him this was for Lisa and I put a bullet in his head. It wasn’t even hard. Then I went home like nothing happened.”

Whisper watches me closely, but there’s no judgment on his face. Just concern.

“I got smarter after that. Covered my hair, wore gloves, always a hoodie. One by one, they all fall down.”

“Did someone hurt you?”

I knew he wouldn’t let that go. “I was on the streets for a little while, so yeah, but the guy who got me was killed in a gang shooting.”

“I’m sorry that happened.”

“It wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. He just groped me, tried to put his fingers in me, but I fought him. Would’ve killed him too if I could have.”

“How do you feel about telling me?”

“Not as scary as I thought it would be.”

“Good. I’m impressed, really, but I still think you could be cleaner. I was able to profile you pretty easily, and I almost caught you once.”

“Almost, but not quite.”

He smiles a bit. “I’ll give you credit where it’s due. I’m just saying, if this is something you plan to do, then you need to lock it down as much as possible.”

“I want them to be found, Whisper. I don’t want a missing person’s search wasting resources. I want them found doing the gross stuff they did so everyone knows.”