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It’s better this way.

No, it’s not. But it’s going to happen anyway. Fuck, I don’t want that. I want her back in my bed, looking at me with those green eyes and seeing right through me. I want her to snuggle up to me with that little sigh that only she can make. It does something to me that I don’t want to think about because it feels too real.

My whole body feels heavy when I finally get up, because I can’t lie here anymore. I can’t avoid the day, even though I’m tempted for a moment to call in sick. But no, I can’t do that. If I don’t show up, who knows what Lia would think about that.

* * *

She’s not going to know, I realize almost two hours later, when I’m standing with Francesca in the studio, about to start class. Lia’s not here.

“Someone’s missing,” I say to Francesca and have to clear my throat because my voice sounds alarmingly hoarse. I can’t say her name because I’m afraid it would give me away. It’s silly. Francesca has no idea; she wouldn’t notice anything. Still, I can’t bring myself to say it.

She looks irritated for a moment, then she checks all the students in the room and nods. Not as though she’s only just realized it but as though she already knew something for a while that I had no clue about.

“Oh, yes.” Just a nod. “Lia called in sick this morning.”

My back tenses. “She’s sick?”

“Didn’t anyone tell you?” Francesca’s eyebrows go up. “I thought Travis was going to let you know that your rehearsal this afternoon is canceled.”

I shake my head. “No, no one told me.” I hesitate for a moment. “Do we know how she’s doing?”

That’s a harmless question, right? After all, I need the answer to help me plan my week. If Lia isn’t well enough to rehearse, I can find something else to do in the afternoons. Except I know she’s not sick. Well, there’s a minimal but very unlikely possibility that she is . . . no, that’s nonsense. She’s not here because she wants to avoid me.

“Not yet. She wanted to go to the doctor this morning, that’s all I can tell you.”

“What about our rehearsals?”

Francesca shrugs. “We’ll see. Hopefully she’ll be fit again soon; we need her with the swans, after all.”

I just nod and hope the same. But my stomach is in knots. I don’t like the fact that Lia is calling in sick because of me. Knowing her, the last thing she would ever do is call in sick when she’s feeling fine. None of us would ever do that, no serious dancer does. We dance until we drop, until we can’t go on anymore. With fevers, colds, or injuries. But she did it, just one day after she found out about Olivia, just a few hours after she sneaked out of my apartment. It’s pretty impossible not to make the connection.

“Shall we get started then?” Francesca says, smiling. For her, the matter is already settled. “You can take the whole class today.”

I look at her in surprise, speechless for a moment. Then I nod, my heart leaps with excitement, and for a moment, I forget how absolutely terribly this day started. “Thank you.”

Her smile widens. “You’re ready. You’ve done really well over the last few weeks.”

“Thanks,” I repeat, realizing that I’m blushing. I’m not used to compliments, especially not from Francesca.

“What are you waiting for?” She winks at me, and I take a step forward.

The students immediately go silent, their quiet conversations ceasing. Attentive faces, straight posture. Everyone is here except Lia.

My gaze wanders to Susannah, who is standing next to Katie. She’s the only one whose eyes aren’t focused on me; she’s looking at something behind me. I’m sure it’s not Francesca, so it must be the mirror.

I realize Lia was right last night: Susannah has lost weight in the last few weeks.

My shoulders slump, I feel defeated. Not this too. Isn’t everything complicated enough as it is? No, obviously not.

But I can’t say anything yet. I can’t go to Pearson just because Susannah has lost weight. It could cost her everything, and if Lia and I are wrong, it would be unforgivable.

However, this is the easier problem to focus on. At least it’s one that might have a solution. At least it has mostly to do with me and only little with Lia.

Worrying about Susannah all day and watching for the slightest signs of weakness helps me not to think about Lia, about the fact that she wasn’t in my bed this morning, even though she belonged there.

No, she didn’t.

Shit. I’ve got to stop thinking about her, at least for a few hours. I consciously put an end to my chaotic musings and keep doing my job.