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City Girl for the Cowboy Daddy

Page 155

by Lucky Moon

Her head pressed harder against my shoulder. The rope was still in her lap. Her fingers had gone white around it.

“Every time I check my phone,” she said. “Every time I stay up until two. Every time I don’t eat and don’t sleep and don’t sit down — it’s because a man I liked told me it was handled and I believed him, and I stopped looking, and—”

“Marcus.”

“Marcus.”

“So you never stop looking.”

“Every single one. Every event. Every job. Every night.” Her voice cracked. The crack was small, the sound of a woman who had been holding a wall in place for two years and had just felt the first stone shift. “And I know it’s not sustainable. I know I can’t do it forever. I know that’s why you wrote the agreement and that’s why I signed it and that’s why I keep breaking it — because the moment I stop, the moment I put the phone down at nine and close my eyes and trust that the morning will be soon enough—”

“The morning was soon enough.”

“It wasn’t, in Denver.”

“In Denver you raised it twice and a man who wasn’t you ignored you.”

“I stopped raising it.”

“You were on hour sixty and somebody you trusted told you it was handled.” I kept my voice level. “That’s not the same as not caring, Priya.”

She was quiet. The crack in her voice had closed but the wall hadn’t rebuilt. I could feel it in the way she leaned against me — the weight of her increased, the resistance gone, the architecture that held her upright relinquishing its design.

“Who told you that if you weren’t the most capable person in the room, you were nothing?” I asked.

She didn’t answer for a long time. The creek ran outside. Nickel banged his bucket once and stopped.

“My mother,” she said. “My brothers. The version of myself that decided at twenty-three that if I wasn’t the most competent person in every room, I wasn’t anything.”

I held the rope. I held her. The hour passed and I didn’t count it and she didn’t produce anything and I didn’t ask her to and the tack room held us both — the cedar and the neatsfoot and the dust in the light and the rope in her lap and my arm around her shoulders and the sound of the creek outside, thin but present, the water still running.

She cried. Not the way she’d cried over my lap — sharp, broken, the release of a held breath. This was different. This was slow. The tears came and she let them come and she didn’t try to manage them or time them or redirect them into something actionable. They fell on my shirt and I felt each one land and I didn’t move.

“Am I doing okay?” she asked. Her voice was raw.

“You’re doing exactly right.”

“I haven’t solved anything.”

“That’s the point.”

She pressed her face against my shoulder. The tears slowed. Her fingers loosened around the rope. The tension in her wrists — the constant, quiet tension she carried in every joint, the preparedness, the readiness — drained out through the cotton and into my hands.

I sat on the bench in the tack room and held a woman who had been carrying a collapsed stage and a broken back and two years of not going back to look, and she’d set it down. Not all of it. Not yet. But she’d let me hold the rope while she held the weight, and the holding was the thing, and the thing was enough, and the hour was the best hour of my life.

When I untied her, the rope left no marks. The cotton was too soft, the knots too gentle. But her wrists were different when I released them — looser, the tendons resting, the joints sitting in her hands without the constant readiness to grip.

I rubbed her wrists. Both of them. My thumbs tracing the skin where the rope had been, the warmth of her blood returning to the surface.

“Thank you,” she said.

“For what?”

“For not fixing it.”

“I can’t fix it.”

“I know. That’s why it worked.”