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“I know,” Anna told her, grateful beyond words for the steadiness of her siblings, even now, so long after the scandal that had first tested it so thoroughly. “I do not know what I would have done this past year without both of you standing behind me.”
“You would have managed regardless,” Rowland remarked gruffly, though his eyes were warm. “You have never once needed us so much as you seem to believe, Anna. You have simply had the good fortune of not having to prove it too often. And should he require a more direct sort of encouragement, I remain entirely willing to provide it. I am certain a quick conversation between us will convince him to fix his attitude. I am capable of great things, as you well know.”
“You threatened to duel him at our very first meeting, Rowland. I do not think that qualifies as a talent so much as a habit.”
“A successful habit,” Rowland shrugged, entirely unrepentant, “Given that he has since been on his best behavior than I believed possible, whatever troubles him at present.”
Anna could not help the small, fond laugh that escaped her, some of the tension in her chest easing at the familiar rhythm of her siblings’ care. It occurred to her, watching Rowland attempt and fail to keep Rebecca from climbing onto his lap uninvited, how much had changed for all of them in the past years. Phoebe was settled and radiant in her own marriage, a daughter of her own now scattering crumbs across Rowland’s previously immaculate waistcoat, and Rowland himself, though he would never admit it aloud, softening visibly whenever a small child demanded his attention.
“Speaking of habits,” Phoebe said, once Rebecca had been successfully bribed into stillness with a biscuit, “I cannot help but wonder when you will stop being so involved in our own lives and pursue one of your own.”
Rowland paled, pointedly focusing his attention on his niece, rather than on his sisters. Anna welcomed the distraction, reaching out to pat his shoulder gently.
“Phoebe is right. You are an excellent man, regardless of whatever faults might pose to be a concern –”
“What faults?” Rowland squawked, sitting upright suddenly. “I don’t understand how you have turned this conversation around in order to slander my good name.”
“It is hardly as good as you make it,” Phoebe teased, reaching for her cup of tea. “Besides, what do you intend to do with a good name, after pointedly refusing to offer it to a maiden whose heart might need to be resuscitated by your kindness?”
Rowland rolled his eyes, the action seemingly strenuous to complete, given how slowly he accomplished it, after which he stated firmly,
“I have quite enough to occupy myself with, without adding a wife to the list of expectations everyone seems so eager to press upon me now that you both have tried and tested the joys of marriage.”
“No one is pressing anything upon you,” Phoebe said, in a tone that suggested she fully intended to begin doing exactly that at the earliest convenient opportunity.
“You are already doing so, this very moment, with your eyebrows,” Rowland accused flatly, and Anna laughed again, grateful for the distraction even as her thoughts drifted, inevitably, back toward the closed door of Hudson’s study down the hall. “I propose we focus your tireless energy on threatening our little sister’s husband to be on his best behavior henceforth.”
“I do not believe it has come to that,” Anna sighed. “Truly, I believe things are better than they were. I only wish I understood him a little more fully, so that I might know how best to help him through whatever this is.”
“You will,” Phoebe told her, clearly confident in her words because her marriage had been built from similar uncertainties and it had now acquired some peace. “Understanding rarely arrives all at once, Anna. It comes in pieces, the longer one stays.”
Anna thought of that conversation long after her siblings had departed, turning Phoebe’s words over in her mind as she made her way through the quiet house toward her own chambers that evening.
It comes in pieces, the longer one stays. She wanted to believe that. She wanted, rather desperately, to believe that whatever had settled over Hudson these past few days was simply another piece of a larger puzzle she had not yet finished assembling, rather than a sign that the ground beneath their fragile new understanding had begun, once more, to shift.
Dinner that evening did little to ease her worries.
Hudson had emerged from his study only once Phoebe and Rowland had departed, offering his usual polite inquiries about her day as they were served, but there was a careful quality to his attention that had not been there a week ago – as though he were performing the motions of a husband’s interest rather than feeling it, holding himself back from her by some measure she could not quite name.
“I am so delighted that Phoebe brought Rebecca today,” Anna spoke up, hoping to draw him into easier conversation. “She has grown so much since I last saw her. She very nearly upended an entire vase attempting to reach a moth that had settled upon it. It is always so fascinating, discovering the seemingly never-ending list of trouble children can get into when you look away for so long.”
“Did she,” Hudson murmured, and there was just warmth enough in it, but it did not extend further, did not invite the sort of teasing back-and-forth that had become so natural between them these past weeks.
“Have I done something?” Anna queried, more pointed than she intended, and immediately regretted the sharpness of it when she saw something flicker shut behind Hudson’s eyes. “You have been rather... distant as of late. I know you do not owe me any transparency, but I cannot help but worry.”
“I have a great deal on my mind at present,” he admitted evenly after a beat of silence. “Forgive me if I have been poor company.”
“I do not wish for an apology, Hudson. I wish to understand what troubles you.” Anna set down her fork, studying him carefully. “You have grown so distant these past few days, and I cannot help but wonder if it concerns me somehow, or something I have done.”
“It is not you,” Hudson told her, quickly enough that she almost believed him. “I only have a great deal to think through, following my conversation with Cornelius. It is nothing you need trouble yourself over.”
It sounded like a cheap attempt to placate her – one she was not keen on swallowing lying down.
“Why won’t you just be honest? How do you expect our children to ever learn how to express themselves fully when you conceal so much of yourself and your problems? How are we to stand together as a united front if you do not wish to rely on me?”
Hudson set his cutlery down and locked his hands together, resting them on top of the table as he leaned forward.
“I am doing my best, Anna. In every way. I am trying to be a good father. I want to be a good enough husband to you. It seems as though I have failed at being a good brother, but still, I want to try to rectify my mistakes. I do not know if it will ever be enough, but still, I want to keep trying. I do not have the answers you want now, but when I do have them, I will give you the explanation you deserve. For now, I implore that you please... just let me be.”