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Anna often marveled by how different they were, and wondered how many more discrepancies lay between them to discover as they grew.
However, this was not one of those times when she was in awe of the children she had birthed, because she felt exhausted from trying to calm Timothy after hours of his crying. She was quite close to throwing a fit to see if perhaps that would either amuse him or stun him into silence.
“Your Grace, perhaps you should take a break,” the older woman suggested, lowering Lucy into her cot.
“I would love nothing more, but I do not know why he has been so fussy all morning. I do not understand what I am doing wrong. He cries at the littlest things, and even when I believe I know what will upset him, something else does the trick, and it takes me ages to learn why. What am I doing wrong? Why is this so difficult?” Anna huffed in frustration.
She did not mean to sound so irritated, but she could not help but feel so tired these days. The twins were about three months old, and although they seemed to be growing faster than she expected, the process seemed slow enough that she was experiencing the rather sour parts of parenthood.
“You are a new mother, Your Grace. It is only normal for you to be overwhelmed. It is not easy to raise a child; however you were blessed with two of your own, unexpectedly. Eventually, you will learn precisely what makes them tick. In this moment, however, you must allow yourself to commit yourself to the assignment of raising your children as you intend to raise them,” the housekeeper advised.
It sounded easier said than done for Anna. Moments like these made her miss and long for her own mother, as she was certain she would not have struggled half as much as Anna was currently. Her sister Phoebe had been a godsend with her helpful suggestions, but Anna could only rely on her so much, given that Phoebe had her own family and child to look after.
Although Anna was supported by the household staff, she couldn’t help but feel a tad lonely anyway, as she cared for her little children.
Timothy had quieted down a little, much to her relief, and Miss Hill continued to carry him in her arms, looking as though she had something on her mind.
“Your Grace,” she began carefully. “Have you given any further thought to what I said before?”
Anna frowned in confusion for a second, then understanding of what the older woman was speaking about dawned on her.
“Absolutely not,” she stated firmly.
“Your Grace, I understand your hesitation, but he is their father. The duke deserves to know. It is not fair that their existence had been kept from him for so long, and when he finds out, he will not be pleased –”
Linda, who had been arranging the nursery, dropped the small stack of bedtime books Anna often read to the children, glancing up and swiftly muttering apologies.
Anna looked away from her maid, determined to disapprove still.
“I reserve the right to not tell him about them. After everything… I have come too far to willingly announce to him that he is a father right now,” she said with a frustrated huff.
“I understand, Your Grace. I do. But if you would just give him a chance –”
“Why should I, when he had stated he did not want an from the start? What if he is upset that I had birthed the children and kept them? To be honest, there is a much simpler reason for why I am not keen on having him in my life. I do not trust him. Our marriage did not begin on the best foot, and he was never apologetic towards me in light of the utter damage he had wrought upon my life with his actions. I cannot let such a man anywhere near my children. I have done everything in my power to ensure that he doesn’t find out about our children, and I am fine if he never does. It’s been over a year since I have set my eyes on him and it is clear he seems content with the distance between us. I would like things to remain that way.”
“You cannot possibly mean that,” Miss Hill claimed, aghast.
“I do not trust him, Miss Hill. I know it is foolish to expect to keep this secret forever, and I do not intend to do so. I just need him to stay away, so that I can have a few more years of peace. I deserve that much, surely. It is better for me to raise them alone,” Anna claimed firmly.
There had been a time when Anna used to dream of Hudson returning. Even though it had been her idea for them to live apart, she had not expected that he would adhere to her wishes so strictly, without even a word of goodbye.
Surely she had deserved that much – to be treated like a person who mattered to some extent, and not just furniture that could be abandoned in a house without a word. However, days turned into weeks, weeks to months, and soon, she had become a mother of twins and possessed no more strength or time to spare him any more thought.
He had made his choice. And although sometimes, she did wish she had the same sort of companionship her sister had as she raised her children, she would learn to live with the choices he had made.
Miss Hill had been a godsend, helping with the children as much as she could, as were the rest of the household. They had adhered to her instructions not to let the duke find out under any circumstances and had protected her children as though they were theirs, which often made Anna feel relieved.
It was still tough, but she hoped these days would last for a long time.
“I understand the source of your fears and I know that you only want what is best for your children. However, I must inform you that your misgivings about the duke are misplaced, Your Grace. His Grace might seem untrustworthy, but I have known him for many years, and I can tell you that he would have made a great father,” Miss Hill pointed out with certainty.
“You cannot know that for sure. He never wanted children in the first place. I know this because I had asked him after our wedding! What if he decides to punish me for hiding them from him by taking them away from me?” Anna questioned tiredly. “However… I do understand the points you have raised. To be honest, I know it would not be feasible to keep them a secret forever, but I was hoping for some more time… to think a little more about how to tell him. I do intend to do so. Eventually.”
The housekeeper started to speak but was cut off by Linda tripping over a fold in the carpet. The older women watched as she quickly straightened it out with a panicked expression before she returned to her dusting.
Miss Hill observed the maid for a moment longer, then she faced the duchess fully.
“I do not believe that is even a possible outcome. People have assumed the worst of him because he looks cold and distant, but he has only ever tried to protect himself and his family. He has endured quite a lot in his life, but he has a soft heart. He would never try to hurt you or your children,” she assured.