An Abandoned Baby for the Duke
Page 52
Louiza sat beside her, smiling as Felix reached for her finger again. "Then he has already inherited something from you," she teased, and Olivia gave her an offended look. "I have no idea what you mean. I persuade people through charm."
Louiza laughed, and Olivia found herself laughing too, their amusement filling the small nursery while Felix stared up at them as though they were the strangest creatures he had ever encountered.
They remained with him for some time, taking turns holding him and entertaining him with soft voices and ridiculous expressions that would have embarrassed Olivia had anyone else been present. She loved watching Louiza cradle him, loved the tenderness in her sister's face, and found herself imagining what it would be like when they were all together at Glenmore, when Felix was older and could run through the gardens and Louiza could scold him for climbing trees.
The thought was so pleasant that Olivia had to remind herself it was merely a dream. Her marriage was an arrangement, Felix was supposed to be a secret, and James had made his position concerning children exceedingly clear. Yet despite all those sensible facts, her heart continued to build little futures she had never been invited to imagine.
Eventually, they left the cottage and began walking back toward the main house, the gravel crunching beneath their shoes as the wind stirred the trees overhead.
"What a charming baby. I love him so. What do you think mother will say?" Louiza rambled on, but Olivia barely heard a word.
Her mind had wandered somewhere else entirely, circling the same irritating subject she had been trying not to think about since she had married James. She stared toward the distant manor, wondering whether he was in his study, whether he had noticed her absence, and then immediately scolded herself for wondering at all.
Louiza glanced sideways at her. "You have not heard a word I have said, have you?" she asked, gently bumping her shoulder against Olivia's.
Olivia blinked and looked at her sister with an innocent expression. "I heard something about letters."
Louiza sighed. "I knew it."
Olivia tried to laugh, but the sound came out unconvincingly. "I would rather spend my energy on Felix, finding a new wet nurse for him, and learning my duties as duchess than waste it thinking about my elusive husband."
She hesitated before adding, more quietly, "Though, for a reason I consider thoroughly immature, part of me is disappointed that he does not seem to want to do anything with me."
Louiza's expression softened. "Well, I was not talking about your husband at all. But since you bring up the subject what do you mean by anything?" she asked.
Olivia immediately felt warmth rise into her cheeks. "Not that sort of anything," she replied quickly, though the lie was transparent even to herself. "I mean companionship. Conversation. Friendship. Something resembling an ordinary marriage."
She looked down at the path, twisting her fingers together. "Not that I expected romance."
That is another lie, and an even worse one.
She had spent her entire life secretly dreaming of love, of being chosen by someone who wanted her exactly as she was, and she could hardly admit that the handsome, infuriating Duke of Glenmore had begun occupying far too many of those private dreams.
"I simply mean that we are bound to spend the rest of our lives together," Olivia continued, her voice quieter. "Would it be so dreadful if he actually liked me?" She gave a small, self-conscious laugh and kicked a pebble from the path. "I know it sounds childish. I should be grateful. I have a home, you have a home, Felix is safe, and I am a duchess. What more could I possibly ask for?"
Yet she knew the answer, and that was precisely what troubled her. She wanted James to look at her and see more than a solution to an inheritance problem. She wanted him to wonder where she was when she was not in the room. She wanted him to speak to her because he wished to, not because some duty required it.
Louiza reached for her arm. "Then perhaps you should speak to him about how you feel about all of this."
Olivia looked at her incredulously. "That is not the sort of marriage we have." She shook her head firmly, though the certainty felt considerably weaker inside her than it sounded aloud. "I am to perform my duties as duchess, help maintain the household, keep the secret. I cannot suddenly march into his study and demand that he become an affectionate husband because I have decided I would like one."
Louiza frowned. "You make it sound as though you have no say in your own marriage."
Olivia looked away, unable to answer immediately. Perhaps that was what frightened her most. She had spent her whole life fighting against people deciding what was best for her, yet now she was voluntarily remaining silent because she feared asking James for more than he had promised.
Before she could speak, Louiza lowered her eyes and whispered, "I feel guilty, Olivia. This is all my fault."
Olivia stopped walking at once and turned toward her. "What?"
Louiza swallowed. "I should have been the one to marry Lord Boulton. If I had, you would not be here dealing with a cold husband because of me."
Olivia's heart twisted at the sight of her sister's guilt, and she immediately reached for Louiza's hand, squeezing it firmly. "You must not say that," she said, her voice gentle but unmistakably serious. "I would rather be here at Glenmore with you than have you married to that snake Lord Boulton. I would rather be married to James a hundred times over than watch you spend a single day trapped with that man."
Louiza's eyes glistened, and Olivia squeezed her hand again. "Never think otherwise," she insisted. "You are my sister. You are the person I would choose every single time, regardless of the husband, the house, the title, or anything else. If I must endure a cold duke for the rest of my life to know that you are safe, then I shall consider myself fortunate that the problem I have with him is that he is too stubborn for his own good. It is not that much of a problem at all."
Louiza managed a small smile and wiped quickly beneath one eye. "I suppose you are right," she murmured.
Olivia smiled back, though a strange ache remained inside her. She could protect Louiza, protect Felix, learn to be a duchess and make the best of her strange new life, but she could not force James to want her.