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Clause 1.1 – Rent Payment Schedule:

Maggie James, hereafter referred to as ‘Queen of Snacks and Chaos,’ shall pay rent in the form of:

Actual human money, or

The continued supply of Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups, fresh blueberries, and shoulder massages while I am gaming.

Clause 2.3 – Bathroom Conduct:

Roman Velasquez, hereafter referred to as ‘Loyal Alpha of Mild Domesticity,’ agrees to stop leaving beard trimmings in the sink like some kind of feral swamp creature.

That one had three gold paw stickers next to it.

Clause 3.7 – Blanket Fort Usage:

The construction of blanket forts for purposes of emotional support, seduction, or general whimsy is not only permitted but encouraged. Forts must include:

At least one form of twinkle light

Snacks within arm’s reach

Permission for spontaneous cuddling, even if the fort-builder claims to be ‘working’

Clause 4.9 – Conflict Resolution:

All fights must be resolved via one or more of the following:

Barefoot walks to the bodega for midnight snacks

Truth or Dare rematches

Slow dancing in the kitchen, no matter how mad we are

Roman had scribbled next to this one:

Unless you’re mad because I forgot to pick up your dry cleaning again. Then I deserve the silent treatment until I grovel.

Clause 5.0 – Emotional Safety:

This apartment will remain a safe space for:

Panic attacks

Hormonal meltdowns

Crying during dog movies

Needing to be held for no reason

Needing to not be touched at all

He’d underlined that last part twice.

I didn’t even realize I was crying until a tear hit the paper.

Clause 6.2 – Maggie’s Closet:

Maggie is permitted to take up seventy percent of the shared closet space. However, Roman shall retain veto power over any garment he deems ‘unfit for human wear,’ including but not limited to: