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That was something I feared when I was pregnant. I thought about finding him and telling him, imagined him being ashamed of getting a former student pregnant and wanting the problem to be gone. Removal of all tangible evidence.

“You considered an abortion?”

I shake my head. “Not seriously, but it would have been my right to make that decision,” I point out. There’s no way he’ll ever be able to convince me that his preferences would have superseded mine if that had been my choice.

“I know that,” he replies, then sighs loudly. “I’m just shocked. This is all new to me. You have lived with this for years and it’s normal for you, but for me, it’s a shock, something I need to get my head around.”

“Just because I’ve lived with it for years doesn’t mean it doesn’t keep me up at night. There is nothing normal about this. I’ve lived with that decision every goddamn day of my life. You think I haven’t tortured myself about it every second?”

“It doesn’t sound like you have tortured yourself about it. That little exchange between you just now, that’s not torture. If she didn’t look exactly like you, I’d have believed she was your sister. You’re the one who should be acting, Dee, as you’ve been playing the part of a doting sister for years.” He gives a wry laugh as he runs his hands through his hair.

“Don’t try to imagine what it’s like to be me. You have no idea how hard it is. I’ve agonised about what I should do for the best,” I admit.

“You’ve agonised about it? It doesn’t seem that way to me. Jesus, would you have even told me if she hadn’t walked in just now? This is why you were so fucking cagey this morning when I spoke about meeting people, wasn’t it? What was your plan? Carry on fucking around with me and then end things before I got too close?”

“I don’t know!”

“She has a right to know who her parents are. She should know the truth. It’s cruel to keep things from her, like it was cruel to keep things from me,” he snaps.

“She knows who her parents are,” I say softly.

“You know full well I mean her biological parents,” he roars.

It occurs to me that he’s swinging from emotion to emotion, landing on different feelings as he works his way through something I’ve had years to deal with, come to terms with.

“At some point in the future, she’ll know.” Still soft toned. Still hoping he can understand and accept my decisions.

Telling Maddie was something Verity, Dad, and I discussed at the very beginning. Verity wanted to be clear with Maddie from the point she could understand. She wanted to be open that I was biologically her mother, but that Verity and Dad stepped in to raise her. It was me who made the choice to go down this path, to keep the truth secret until she’s older. Sometimes, it’s a decision that has kept me awake until the early hours of the morning, wondering how much she’ll hate me when we tell her the truth.

The only fact I know right now is that she’s too young to understand properly. I’m not sure if she ever will understand, I just know: Not now, not yet.

“She’s needs to know now.” There’s a resolute tone to him. One that has me shivering. Shivering, but on edge and ready to pounce, to defend. I may have given up my rights as a mother the moment I gave Maddie up, but the instinct—the drive to protect, no matter what—is always there.

“Don’t you dare,” I snap.

“Don’t dare what?”

“Don’t pretend that she needs to know because you think she should. That this isn’t just a fleeting reaction where you feel like you’re her father and you have rights. You have no rights in this situation. This is not a choice you get to make.”

“I have no rights because you stole them from me. You took my rights and choices.”

“You walked out on your rights and obligations.”

“I didn’t even know there were obligations because you never told me.” Now he’s roaring again.

“You may not have known about her, but you sure as hell knew about me, and you chose to walk out on me.”

“You were never an obligation, Delilah. I told you multiple times. I loved you, and I made shitty decisions—”

“You told me once that I wasn’t your girlfriend, that I was your choice, but I wasn’t, not really. You proved that by choosing Hannah over me,” I cut in.

“Whatever happened between us, it does not give you the right to keep me in the dark about a pregnancy! Don’t you dare try to use me and Hannah as an excuse because it’s a shitty one.”

“This is getting us nowhere.” I sigh. “We’re not going to agree on this because you’re never going to see it from my point of view. You can’t put yourself in my shoes. Eighteen. Pregnant. Alone. I made choices to put her first. I will always make sure her needs come before any desire I have.”

“She needs to know.”

“She will, at some point in the future.”