Page 50 of Against All Odds

She rolled her eyes. I took it as a no.

She turned sharply to stare at the sea. I waited.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” she said bluntly.

My jaw dropped. If anything, I had expected another lecture, more of her verbally burying me into the ground – but she left me no room to express my confusion as she continued.

“I said a lot of things out of anger that I shouldn’t have, instead of waiting for my anger to cool down before confronting you.” Her lips pressed together into a thin line. “I’m such a shitty excuse for a guardian angel,” she muttered.

Her head snapped toward me at my laugh – I couldn’t help it. “Sorry,” I muttered, biting my lip in an attempt to keep a serious face as the breeze carried its echo away. “But why are you apologizing?” My eyebrows knit together. “I disappointed you,” I mumbled, lowering my gaze. The memory of her anger had hit me like a knife to my heart, and the pain in her misty eyes twisted it deeper. “I don’t understand. You were furious. You made it clear you were done with me.”

That look on her face hurt – like she had to choose her words carefully around me, as if she found me too unstable to be honest with me. I did not want her to see me as someone to protect, but an equal, as absurd as it was. I wanted her to punish me, trusting I could handle whatever she would throw at me. She shouldn’t look at me as if I were a porcelain doll.

But then I caught my reflection in the near-transparent sea beneath us, and I realized I did look like a porcelain doll. A lost sheep, looking for a shepherd to guide her.

Maybe I was. But still, I didn’t want her to hold back around me. I’d take anything but her silence.

“I wasn’t angry.” Seren clenched her teeth, fighting for her life to vocalize something she clearly wasn’t used to while keeping the stoic gaze. “Well, I was – I am – but not at you. Not necessarily.” Her fists clenched, drawing my gaze to them. I fought the strange urge to take her hands in mine and clutch them until they released the tension they were holding. “This rage has been boiling inside me for all my life. It’s what spills when the surface cracks.” She glanced up. “I’ve done bad things, but I’ve never wanted to kill so badly. Those two ketamine dickheads were disgusting for trying to take advantage of you while you weren’t sober, and so was the creep who fed crack to a girl half his age – but neither of them were real monsters. They wouldn’t force themselves on you like the two men whose lives I did take. I’ve spent a lifetime around all kinds of predators – I’ve learned to distinguish between different types of them. But also…” She averted her eyes, and when she spoke again, her voice lowered. “Also, I knew because while you were out there rambling to them about SpongeBob and Patrick, I was watching, submitting queries to the Source every few minutes to assess the odds of you getting raped or killed that night. Surprisingly, they stayed low, despite the risks you took.”

“Queries?”

She made a dismissive gesture. “It’s how I describe my probmanu; doesn’t matter now. What matters is that I couldn’t kill them, because while killing monsters hardly affects the karmic balance, taking an ambiguous person’s life does. It might’ve undone all the hard work I – we – did, since our souls will eventually be judged together.” She grimaced. “Intention and outcome matter both, apparently. Another thing I’ve learned in the Celestial Library. Killing them was in no way the rational thing to do, and yet, I wanted to so, so badly.”

I nodded slowly. I understood about half of what she said, most of it sounding too abstract to be real – but one thing I saw crystal clear. While I was out there putting myself in danger, she was beside me, listening, protecting me. I was no longer alone. It filled me with a strange sense of warmth, and at the same time, seeing the fear in her eyes, I never wanted to put her through that again.

“I’m not supposed to care,” Seren muttered, more to herself than me. “I’m not used to that. I’m not good at it.”

“I don’t understand,” I said quietly.

She sighed. “I can’t help you if I’m too invested. I can’t be your guardian angel if I allow myself to get attached to you. Do you understand?”

The way she looked at me – it shouldn’t make my stomach flutter the way it did. “Then don’t be my guardian angel.” The words slipped from my lips before I realized. “Just be yourself. Be with me the way you do now, without thinking about saving either of our souls. Just please don’t leave me.” The words came out as a plea. I heard it and no longer tried to stop it – we both knew it would be pointless.

She exhaled sharply through gritted teeth. “I’m afraid it’s not that simple.”

“I don’t understand,” I repeated. “I don’t need to be saved; I can take care of myself.”

Her laugh came out haughty – as much as it pissed me off, part of me was relieved to see some of that edge again. “Clearly.” She didn’t even try to hide her mockery.

I rolled my eyes. “Then punish me.” The provocation left my lips before I could think to stop myself – a challenge, a test. She sharply turned to look at me, and my cheeks flushed, but I refused to avert my eyes.

“Is that what you want?” She tilted her head slightly, curious more than judgmental. She stepped closer. “For me to take the reins for a while?” Her voice dropped lower, which did no good for the desire coiling in my lower body. “To give up control and be rewarded or punished for how well you obey me?”

My breath caught – was I so easy to read? Did she know how much her thinly veiled commands got to me, or worse – did she know I had touched myself to her mugshot? My face burned at the thought, but still, I refused to look away.

“No.” My voice came out hoarse. “I don’t want you to fulfil a fantasy. I want you to be yourself. You’re already everything I like when you don’t even try.”

Seren blinked – her expression deadpan, save for the way her eyes subtly widened. Immediately, I cringed. Was this too much? People don’t normally drop confessions like this to someone they barely know, do they?

“What I mean is—” Too breathless. “I have to do the hard thing myself. But your guidance… it helps.” I bit my lip. “Well, it did, until Kyle’s birthday.” I shivered involuntarily. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I lowered my gaze. “I don’t know why I can’t just stick to one glass, or be fun without alcohol. I don’t know why I can’t just be like everyone else.”

Unwelcome tears stung behind my eyelids, and I made no effort to wipe them away, not even when the first one made its way to the corner of my eye.

When Seren said nothing, I glanced up to see her staring at me with a thoughtful frown. It made me feel safe and too exposed at the same time.

She inhaled as if searching for the words.

“You can give it to me straight,” I said bluntly. “Don’t sugarcoat it. I’m not fragile; I can handle the truth.”