Page 17 of Against All Odds

“Eh.” I grimaced. “We don’t talk much. It’s four guys and two girls. One of the guys barely leaves his room, the girls come alive at night, and the others aren’t home much.”

I hated how his brow furrowed – he wasn’t supposed to pity me. “Do they even go to this university?”

“The girls do, I believe,” I muttered, buying myself time by taking a big sip of my coffee. “It’s none of my business, anyway. Who cares where they go to school as long as they’re decent people?”

Were they? Debatable, but at least none of them made me feel inferior or catch feelings. For that alone, I preferred living with guys over girls.

Kyle took a big sip from his coffee, then nodded slowly. “Well, I’m glad you found something that worked for you.”

I couldn’t tell him how much I missed my old house. That even though I knew my old roommates tolerated me more than they liked me, I could at least convince myself that I’d had a warm group of female friends – something that all girls were supposed to have, but had never been granted to me. And now, even that was gone, and with it, her. I couldn’t tell him that being without her was worse than being with her. That our friendship, or whatever the fuck it was, might have been toxic, but at least made me feel something. That her absence hurt worse than every failed situationship I’d been in, because without her rollercoaster of highs and lows, all that remained was emptiness. That it felt as if she had torn off and taken a part of my soul with her, a part that wanted to stay attached to her rather than me – and the bleeding had slowed, but the scar still ached with its absence. And I didn’t want it back; I just wished it had never existed, because not knowing what it’s like to have something is easier than losing something you once had.

I didn’t trust myself to tell him all of that without bursting into tears. So instead, I forced the biggest smile I could muster, hoping it looked convincing, and switched the topic to his exams. That worked. Our previous conversation quickly forgotten, he proceeded to rant about his Calculus teacher whom he thought resented him, then about some girl from his student union he’d been spending time with lately, though he wasn’t sure if she liked him the way he liked her. I smiled and nodded and asked follow-up questions while fighting the tears.

I took a deep breath, battling the urge to ask. “So, do you still hang out with them?”

Kyle sat up straighter, his relaxed smile faltering slightly. He knew it wasn’t a casual question. “You mean Parker and the guys?”

“Yeah, and my old roommates.”

He shrugged. “I mean, we still go out on the weekends. More like, Parker drags us along to see Re—to see the girls.”

“It’s okay, you can say her name,” I said flatly. “I’m not some delicate porcelain doll.”

“I’m sure you’re not.”

I took a deep breath, choosing my next words carefully. “I don’t know how I feel about the idea of you still seeing the person who traumatized me so badly.”

“Traumatized you?” He frowned. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I’m following. What did Rebekah do exactly?”

I stared at him, blankly. “You don’t seriously need to ask me that, do you?”

“I mean, I heard there was a misunderstanding about the drink—”

“Yes, but it’s not just about the damn drink. She was obviously aware of my feelings for her, and she used that to stroke her own ego. She relished my praise, the way I jumped to do whatever she wanted from me, whenever she wanted – without her even needing to ask.” I blinked rapidly, locking my eyes with his until he had to look away. “You get what I mean, don’t you?”

“I get that it’s hard for you, and I’m sorry things turned out the way they did. But Parker and I have been friends for years.” He frowned. “Even though we mostly drink together… but still.” He paused. “And please don’t take this the wrong way, but wasn’t it your decision to move out?”

“Yes, but it’s not like I had a choice.” I barely registered how my hands crumpled the napkin between them. “Because my heart couldn’t take being in the same space with her. Because it was too painful seeing her face every damn day when she kissed that piece of—when she kissed Parker. And because I would have no self-respect if I stayed in an apartment with three people who hated me and didn’t even bother to hide it. You haven’t seen the relief on their faces when I broke the news to them.”

“I don’t think Emmy and Tracy hate you, Raya.” His frown deepened. “I mean, I’m not sure about Rebekah – she’s hard to read, even Parker struggles with it. But Emmy and Tracy mean well. Their only problem with you is how you get when you drink. I’m sure you can understand that.”

“As if they don’t also have a drinking problem.” I aggressively started tearing the napkin apart.

A loud clattering noise somewhere to my right made me flinch. I spun around in my chair to see one of the servers had dropped his plates. Irritation washed over me – every sensory input was too much when I was already on edge – and my next words came out harsher than intended. “I would really appreciate it if you didn’t see them anymore.”

Kyle’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you serious?”

“Yes.” I clenched my teeth, softening my voice to sound pleading more than commanding. “I can’t stand the thought that I’m sitting here with you, pouring my heart out to you, and then Saturday, you go to that damned house and listen to them talk shit about me. Maybe even engage in talking shit about me.”

“Do you really think I would do that?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore. Please, Kyle.” I reached out to briefly touch his hand, no longer trying to stop the tears that popped up in my eyes. “I don’t want to lose you too. I know Parker is your friend, but I thought… hoped… you are my friend, too.” My only friend, probably, but he didn’t need to know how pathetic my social life was. “Of course you can still hang out with Parker, but not—not with them, okay? Please?”

His expression changed at the sight of my tears. “Wow, I guess I didn’t realize how deeply you were hurt.” He hesitated for a moment, then sighed. “Fine, I guess I can stay away from them for a bit. I never cared much for these Saturday nights, anyway.”

“Thank you.” I laughed through my tears, breathing a sigh of relief. “I appreciate you, Kyle.”

He tentatively answered my smile. Kyle sure deserved a better friend than me, but until he realized that, I would gratefully accept his company.