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That should scare me.
Instead, it makes my thighs squeeze tighter around him, my hand trembling as I stroke him. Desperate to feel something other than shame. Arlo would hate me if he saw me like this with another man.
Kylian’s eyes are eating up every reaction, like he’s cataloging it for later, his whole body tense and quivering with restraint. I drop my gaze, unable to look at him, and blurt out the first thing my brain can latch onto. “I’ve never done this before,” I whisper, instantly wishing I could sink through the floor.
“I know,” he murmurs, his dark red eyes flickering down at mine. The raw hunger there is so sharp it almost feels like pain, but there’s confusion too. “You want me to stop, little mortal?” His voice is rough, torn. “I will do whatever you ask. All you have to do is say it.”
There’s no pressure on my body, not really. He’s holding himself back by the tremor in his arms. The scary, unhinged Vampire King, waiting on me. His brow creases, and then I force my voice to work, even if it comes out quieter than I want.
“I’m not scared of you,” I say, which is only half a lie. I’m not scared of him hurting me. I’m scared because I want him to keep going, and I hate that I want that.
Arlo and I were never committed to one another in a way that would make this a real betrayal, but after all his suffering and loss and the sacrifices he made for me, just waiting for the moment I might be ready to take things further, for freedom, for the stars to align, for a life outside of Crawly’s farm. This feels like a betrayal greater than all others.
It makes something ugly twist inside me. Guilt. Shame. Desire. All of it at once.
Kylian just watches me like I’m the most important thing in the world, and he’s memorizing every wild thought that flashes across my face. Then, slowly and carefully, he brings his hand up, tucking hair behind my ear. His forehead brushes mine, gentle, which is so weirdly tender I almost sob.
“Not today. If you are hesitant, you aren’t ready,” he murmurs before rolling off me.
When I glance up, Kylian’s staring at me like he can’t decide whether to break me apart or pull me closer. He scoops me against his chest, stroking my skin, gentle, almost apologetic. The world outside the door feels far away. I wait for the regret, or the self-loathing, or perhaps his anger. But it doesn’t come. I just feel . . . empty. Drained. And somehow safer than I have in ages.
CHAPTER 33
• Alessia •
THE SOUND OF pages turning wakes me as I am jostled slightly.
My eyes flutter open to find I am still in the same position I was in when I fell asleep on Kylian’s chest. Only he’s sitting up slightly, one hand holding a book open that’s resting on my shoulder, the other lazily trailing up my spine. I blink sleep away before yawning.
“We are nearly home,” Kylian says matter-of-factly, and I jerk upright, making him drop his hand clutching the book.
“What about the elven kingdom?” I ask. He promised we could look for Sable. He sighs heavily, and my hands push off his chest as I move to climb off him, but he grabs my thigh to hold me in place. “You said we could look!”
“I won’t have a repeat of what happened at Malachor, Alessia.”
“So what, we just aren’t going to look for her?”
He grits his teeth. “I never said that.” I glare at him, but he holds my gaze calmly. “Xavian will search for her—”
“How? He doesn’t even know what she looks like!”
“He knows exactly what she looks like!” he snaps, grip tightening. “He won’t hurt her. He just plans on finding her and keeping her hidden.”
“And you trust him?” I shake my head.
“Yes. He gave you back to me without a fight,”
“Because he wants my fucking sister!” My raised voice seems to push him over the edge because I find myself on my back beneath him.
“He won’t hurt her. I’ve known Xavian for centuries. He isn’t blood thirsty like the rest of us. He is patient and finds value in humanity where the rest of us see none. He was always against the purge and everything it stood for.”
“Just because he says it doesn’t mean it’s true.”
“Yes it does, because he killed his father for killing their mage.” My brows scrunch at his words.
“But the curse—”
“He didn’t live long enough to be killed by the curse. For years I thought that was how he succumbed, until I saw that room Xavian showed us. I asked him after you left.”
