Page 54

“What changed her though? How you go from being a nice person to being so evil? That’s a drastic kind of change,” I noted.

“She changed when she got pregnant with you. I hate to even say it like that because I don’t want you to feel like you were the demise of your mom. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Meka was the good twin though. She used to do good in school, but then she started fuckin around with your daddy. I knew she was dealing with him. I was the only one that knew she was dealing with him. I promised her not to say anything to mama because she knew mama would beat her ass for dealing with him since he was older,” she started. I sat back, letting her talk.

“Your mama loved Fred. Had her skipping school and everything. See around that time, it was a lot of girls getting pregnant. Just being fast, not letting these niggas strap up. I used to tell Meka that she better make that nigga put on a condom. Just being young and dumb, she didn’t listen to me. Ma was the one to suspect that Meka was pregnant. She was sleeping all the time, and I remember her hips and ass started spreading. She took her to the doctor, and sure enough, she was pregnant with you. She was far along, so she couldn’t get an abortion. Ma wasn’t going to let her get an abortion anyways. You know how your grandma is. She believes that when you fuck up, you gotta sit in the consequences of your actions. Ma was having sex at an early age too, and her mama forced her to have me, and Meka. She turned around and did the same thing to her daughter,” my aunt expressed.

“That’s why her ass treats me like that. She was forced to have me and⁠—”

“Deja. I⁠—”

“No auntie. Let me finish. That lady has told me hundreds of times that she only had me because it was too late for her to get the abortion. She was forced to have me, and I never stood a chance of having a relationship with my daddy because then his secret would get out about fuckin a minor. You know I ran into that nigga the other night at the club? The same night that Nari tried killing herself. I only remembered him because ma used to have his picture sitting in a frame in her bedroom. He’s married now. Him, and his friends booked a private, VIP room,” I started, and you could tell by the way my aunt was looking at me that all of this was new news for her.

I wasn’t shocked that my mom didn’t tell her. Why would she? Then she would have to expose the part where I read her for filth in the kitchen that night.

“I was dancing on this nigga, auntie. Turned around, saw his face and quickly jumped out of his lap. I asked him was his name Fred and he said yes. I told him who I was, and he immediately started saying shit about my mom being community pussy, calling her a lying ass bitch, and how she tried to pin me on him⁠—”

“And that’s a fuckin lie! He knows it! I bet nowhere in that conversation did he offer to take a DNA test! I know secrets about my sister that I’ll take to the grave. She lost her virginity to Fred. That was the only nigga she was dealing with. He found out about the pregnancy, and he used to send threats, telling her that he would kill her if she told the world that she was pregnant with his baby. He never came around. He doesn’t even live in Miami. Last I heard, he moved away to Philly or something,” she shared with me.

“If I’m his child or not, I don’t too much care about that. That’s not the part that hurts me. I’ve long gone accepted that I wasn’t the girl to grow up with a father. The part that hurts me till this day is the way I was treated by her. She got stuck raising a kid that she never wanted to begin with, and I had to feel that shit on the opposing end,” she said.

My voice cracked. I knew I was getting ready to start crying. This was one of those conversations that would always hurt me, no matter how I tried to run from it.

“You get mad at me every time I say this to you, but Deja, I truly believe that Meka loves you. She just has a fucked up way of showing it,” she told me. Tears fell, that I didn’t bother wiping away.

“She never had a fucked up way of showing Nari that she loved her,” I clocked that quickly, calling bullshit when I heard it.

“She still hugs Nari till this day. I’ve been coming over her house more often ever since the incident with Nari and I see it for myself. She’ll sit there and cut up Nari’s food for her. Nari gets compliments, affection, all that shit. Nari never had doubts when it came to our mother’s love. She knew. She knew from a little girl that our mama loved her. I never had that confirmation. I always had to wonder. Auntie, I’m twenty-three and I’m still wondering. I still have doubts. That’s why when you tell me shit about her loving me, I don’t believe it,” I cried to her, looking her in her eyes, expressing what was on my heart.

I could tell that I moved her with my words because her eyes got a little watery too.

“I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m justifying shit that Meka’s done to you. I’ve had some of my biggest fights with her because of the way she handled you or talked to you. When you were about six or seven, we stopped talking for months because I tried to come at her, asking her to let me raise you. You deserved better than what she gave you, and that’s why I’ve always been so active. That’s why I’ve always overplayed my role as an aunt because I never wanted you to feel like you were missing out on something. Toot, I never missed a beat when it came to you. Your first steps, your first silk press, graduation, prom, I was there for all of that,” she went on to tell me, a tear falling after she said it. I nodded my head, allowing tears to continue to fall.

“Knowing she did me the way she did me, how you going to sit here and tell me she loved me?” I couldn’t let it go.

“Because at times, I look at Meka and I see who she was before she had you. Before life got a hold of her. Before Fred came around, she was sweet. I’m convinced that underneath all that anger, evilness, and bitterness, she still has a fuckin heart and she loves you. Your mama gotta go to therapy though. I been telling her that shit for years. You both do. That’s the only way ya’ll will ever be able to get along or at least just be cordial to one another,” she said.

I rolled my eyes and then flopped down on the bed next to her. My aunt scooted over, getting closer to me. After a few seconds, she laughed.

“We supposed to be in here, eating bullshit, and celebrating you. You got me in here crying. I don’t even do this soft ass, crying shit,” she expressed, making me laugh, as I continued to wipe away tears from my face.

“I don’t either. Your sister is my sensitive spot. You know that,” I voiced.

“That’s your sensitive spot because despite all the bullshit she’s put you through, you still love her. Yeah, you’re big, bad ass Poison, but that little girl still lives in you that wants Meka to love you the way that you deserve to be loved. The way you’ve always deserved to be loved,” she finished it with that.

I sat in that. I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t confirm or deny it.

CHAPTER 16

JOY ‘OBSESSION’ HAYES

They say that a woman will never forget the way a man treats her during her pregnancy. That statement has stuck out to me ever since I told Hitta I was pregnant. Granted, I’m not naïve to ever believe that the nigga ever loved me. I know he didn’t. I know I was just pussy that he was getting behind Poison’s back. I knew he loved Poison. Even with me knowing that shit, I still took it upon myself to follow through with the pregnancy.

I just didn’t want to be that woman that keeps getting abortions. I’ve had a couple in the past, and I made a promise to myself that I would never do that shit again. Even with the promise that I made to myself, these days, I’m wishing that I would have broken it.

The way I was being treated in this pregnancy wasn’t fair. I had a man that despised coming around me because I wasn’t Poison. He blamed me for their split. He talked to me like he resented me. He didn’t handle me with care. We barely spoke on things regarding our child. Any time I brought anything up that involved a gender reveal or a baby shower, he was quick to shut it down. According to him, if we did either of the two, the world would think that we were a couple. Even with the bitch leaving him, he still wanted to move with caution, fearing that things would get back to Poison. I hated that. I hated it for me and my baby.

Right now, I was dealing with being out of a car. It was in the shop. Granted, I had the funds to get it fixed, and I had the funds to pay for a rental. That wasn’t the problem at all. The problem was having a baby daddy that didn’t give a fuck how I got around. A baby daddy that I haven’t spoken to since a few nights ago, when we got into it in the parking lot of the club.

He was in his feelings about the things I said to him, and I guess he found himself not talking to me. In the past, I would have reached out because I was going through that goofy phase of wanting my family to work, but I wasn’t doing that this time. I pretty much made my mind up when it came to Hitta. I was going to go through the rest of this pregnancy without him. I’ll do my gender reveal by myself, along with my baby shower. Fuck him!