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Somewhere deep in my chest, beneath the embarrassment and guilt, was the much worse realization. I hadn’t said Dee’s name because I was nervous or confused. I’d said it because for one stupid, unguarded moment, I forgot I was supposed to be trying to get over him…

CHAPTER 22

Ihad no real reason to go to the locker room. The cabin was closer.

That was what I told myself as I crossed the campgrounds with my shirt plastered to my back and water dripping from the ends of my hair. I needed to change. That was all this was. The hose had soaked me almost as thoroughly as the sprinklers had soaked Alvin and Omar, and walking around in wet clothes was starting to give me jock itch—something I’d spent my entire swimming career trying to avoid.

The sudden irritation had nothing to do with the fact that Alvin and Omar had wandered off together. Nope, it was because my balls were chafing.

I pushed open the locker room door. A soft laugh drifted from the showers. I froze. It was Alvin’s laugh.

I should have turned around immediately. Instead, I stepped inside and crept towards the row of shower stalls. My shoes squeaked once against the tile, and I winced. The voices continued like they didn’t hear me.

“You can tell me no.” Omar.

I moved before I could stop myself, slipping into the nearest stall and yanking the cheap plastic curtain closed. There was no water running. No reason to be hiding. No excuse that wouldn’t make me look exactly like what I was. A creep. A jealous asshole. A sulking child who was done playing with his favorite toy but didn’t want anyone else playing with it either.

Through the narrow gap in the curtain, I could see their reflection in the opposite mirrors. Omar stood close to Alvin, who looked nervous. His shoulders were tight, his wet shirt clinging to him while his eyes kept darting anywhere but at Omar’s face.

Omar leaned in. I turned away just before their mouths touched.

It shouldn’t have mattered. I’d told Alvin to go on the date. I’d practically shoved him towards Omar and congratulated myself for doing the honorable thing. The honorable thing apparently involved hiding in a shower stall while my best friend kissed another man.

A muffled sound came from across the room. A breath. A shift of fabric.

I stared at the tiled wall. I could leave. I should leave. I stayed anyway.

Alvin said something too quiet for me to hear. Omar answered, and then the room fell silent except for the faint hum of the ventilation fan.

I imagined Omar’s hands on him. Imagined everything Alvin had done to me in those woods being done to him. By someone else…

A wet shirt hit the bench. My fingers curled against my palm. It wasn’t too late. I could have slunk out at any moment. No one would have known any better. No one except me. Still, I didn’t.

Alvin’s breathing changed, and my entire body went rigid. I’d heard that sound before. Not from him. Not like this. But from plenty of people who weren’t him. Plenty of girls I didn’t realize until now I pretended were him. And I knew what it meant.

My stomach twisted into the sort of knots we’d practiced out on the dock, so tight I nearly doubled over.

I’d spent years convincing myself that the only reason my eyes lingered on Alvin a little longer than they should, a little longer than I was told was natural, was because we’d grown up together. Because he was beautiful and irritating and fun to be around. Because he knew every ugly part of me and it never made him think of me any different.

I’d told myself it was how everyone felt about their best friend. Even when I knew deep down it wasn’t.

A quiet moan slipped through the locker room. I shut my eyes and pictured myself on my knees in front of him. His hand tangled in my hair, his voice breaking around my name. I pressed a palm to my mouth to keep from groaning at the thought.

“See?” Omar murmured. “I can make you feel good, Alvin.”

“Shut up and don’t stop doing that thing with your tongue.”

My eyes sprung open and I shook my head. I couldn’t listen to this. I couldn’t stand here while Omar touched him. I couldn’t pretend like it didn’t affect me anymore. Like some part of me didn’t want to switch places.

I gripped the edge of the stall wall. Then I heard Alvin say my name. Not Darius. But…

“Mmm. Fuck, Dee…”

Everything inside me stopped, and I quickly tugged the curtain all the way closed just as footsteps moved across the tile. A moment later, Omar’s voice broke the silence.

I couldn’t make out every word. I didn’t need to. I knew the sound of someone realizing they were standing in the wrong place. I’d been there myself. More than once. A few moments ago. Right now.

I should have felt triumphant. Instead, I felt sick.