Page 101

“You should go.”

I laughed, and a few heads turned in our direction. My glare had them turning back immediately. “You just admitted you’re jealous.”

“I know.”

“And you’re telling me to go anyway?”

His eyes moved away from mine. “Yes.”

“Why?”

He rubbed a hand over his face. “Because Omar likes you.”

“So?”

“So he can actually fucking do something about it.”

I stopped breathing.

Dee looked at me again. His voice was quieter now. “He can take you somewhere and not spend the entire night wondering who saw you together.”

My stomach twisted, that bubble of hope shrinking with each word.

“He can touch you without panicking afterwards.”

“Dee.”

“He can want you and just… want you.” His voice cracked slightly. “He won’t turn it into this fucking crushing guilt every time.”

I swallowed. “And that’s what you want?”

“It’s what you deserve, Alvy.”

“I didn’t ask what I deserved. I asked if that’s what you want.”

Silence. He couldn’t do it. Again. I felt stupid for expecting anything else. But this time hurt worse because he’d admitted the jealousy. He’d admitted enough to give me hope. Then stopped exactly where it mattered.

I looked down. “Okay. Fine.” Dee appeared as though he was gonna say something else, and I cut him off. “No. It’s okay.”

“It isn’t.”

I forced a smile. “You finally admitted you’re jealous. I should be celebrating.”

His eyes searched mine for a moment. Then they softened. “You wanted me to tell you not to go.”

Everything in me went still. Fuck him. Fuck him for knowing. I laughed. “Did I?”

“Yeah, you did, Alvy.”

I couldn’t look at him anymore, so I stared at the floor. A Bible sat near my foot. I nudged it with my toe. “You still could.” I heard him clear his throat, and quickly peered up. “One sentence, Dee. That’s all it would take.”

His face tightened. “Alvin…”

“Just tell me not to go, Dee. Please.” There was no joke. No performance. Nothing to hide behind. Just me laying myself out there for him.

I could hear my heartbeat. Dee’s too, probably. And for one stupid second, I thought he was going to do it.

His hand even lifted slightly. Then stopped. Dropped. “You should go. You need someone who doesn’t hate himself for wanting you.”