Page 21 of Dandelions and Smoke

Everyone files in. Sometimes we do this in the kitchen, where there’s more room, but not today. Today, there’s a conversation I have every intention of getting out of the way. I try not to show how angry I am during the pass-down, but my questions are pointed, and my features feel tight. For someone who is usually laid back, I’m not fooling anyone.

More than twice, I catch Mark peeking a sideways glance at Billy, but he pretends not to notice. Instead, his eyes are fixed on something outside the window, though I know he’s watching everything I do. Levi’s gaze doesn’t falter. He stares me down head-on. I can tell he knows something is brewing inside me, but he isn’t shying away. I respect the man. He’s been through a lot, and although he’s only worked here since April, he’s finally adjusted well to his new position and has found his way after living through his own version of hell. He’s not afraid to face what I have to say, but it’s not him that I’m angry with.

Billy is one of our engineers and is the person we trust behind the wheel. He’s the guy we count on to have the rig ready to roll out at a moment’s notice. The job title means he’s the pump operator, in charge of equipment readiness, water supply, scene support, and safety and communication. It’s his job to stay calm under pressure and be detail-oriented. It’s one of the most important roles and responsibilities, which is why right now I’m having a really hard time believing that his not mentioning Rory being in town for the last six months has been an accident.

Once Angela wraps up giving the shift report, Crew B heads out, leaving Crew A in my office. Captain King, Billy, Mark, and Maria all stand waiting for me to say something.

Anything.

“Maria, you can go. I have something to discuss with these gentlemen,” I say, offering her what I hope is a warm smile.

She glances between us all and nods her head. “Don’t have to tell me twice,” she mumbles as she walks out the door.

Levi grabs a seat in the corner of the room, making himself comfortable, but Billy and Mark don’t move from their spots. I stare down each one of them, waiting to see if either has anything to say. When I’m sure, given the way that Mark is shifting side to side, that the silence has become uncomfortable, I clear my throat and start asking questions.

“How long have you all been lying to me?” I exhale through my nose, slow, controlled, but not calm.

Billy’s eyes finally narrow on mine. His jaw clenches, and his nostrils flare as he looks at me with a cold and furious stare, more serious than any expression I’ve ever seen on his face before.

“You’re not going to sit there and put the blame on us for what happened last night,” he snorts, rolling his eyes.

“Did you know she was there the whole time?” I ask, firing back.

He shrugs like it’s no big deal, and my muscles tense, my teeth grinding together while I try to stay calm.

“And you never said anything?” I look between him and Mark, then at Levi. “None of you thought to say anything?”

“My job here is to be the Captain of this department. I respect you, Chief, as my superior and as a man, even a friend, but she’s been a friend to me longer. I was asked to keep it to myself, and since this has nothing to do with me, I’ve minded my own business, something I’d like to continue doing,” Levi drawls, straight to the point.

A silent exchange of understanding passes between us before he gets up and exits the room, leaving Billy and Mark.

“Mark?”

He flinches at the sound of his name, and I almost feel bad, but not enough to put an end to this.

“I want answers,” I bark out, rising to my feet, my frustration building. “I put my trust in you men. I rely on you all to have my back the same way I have yours, and this, this is what you do with that trust?”

“Mark, go,” Billy instructs calmly, stepping in front of Mark before pushing him out the door and turning back to me. “No one else needs to see you like this. It’s not you, but I know you’re angry and hurt, so go ahead. You want to call me an asshole? Yell at me? If that’s what makes you feel better, go for it.”

He’s right. I’m as hurt as I am angry.

“I thought you were my friend,” I rasp, my angry exterior cracking around the edges as my posture loosens slightly. “After all the time that we’ve spent talking about my ex, my son, knowing the pain that it’s caused me, not being able to see him…” My words trail off. “I know you saw how much that one night with Rory meant to me. How could you not tell me she’s still here?”

“I promised her I wouldn’t, and hell,” his shoulders drop as he shakes his head, “I thought you’d figure it out when you were ready.”

“What is that supposed to mean? When I’m ready?” I ask, throwing my hands open wide. “What are you talking about?”

“She’s been down the street, working at the Cozy Pines Cafe, this whole time,” he says slowly, enunciating every word so it sinks in. “If you’re not willing to get out from behind your desk and go look for the girl that finally breathed life back into you, then maybe you don’t deserve her. That’s what I’m talking about.”

My anger shifts direction from Billy to myself. My cheeks burn as I crumple back onto my chair. She’s been down the street this entire time. Nausea churns in my gut, like at any second I’m going to hurl.

His head tilts slightly, the tension draining from his stance and the sharpness leaving his gaze. “You can spend the rest of your life wishing things were different, or you can go out there and make it happen.”

I drop my head, ashamed at how right he is. Not only because I’ve gone about this all wrong, but because I thought I was better than this. Instead of doing things differently this time, I fell right back into old habits. I buried myself in my work again, instead of making any effort to find my mystery girl. My Little Lion. I made excuses when I should have been asking more questions. I take a deep breath and finally ask the question I’ve been most afraid of having answered.

“Why is she avoiding me?” I force out, bracing myself for Billy’s answer.

He averts his eyes to the window and takes a deep breath. When he looks back, his lips are pulled into a tight line.