Page 43 of A Countess of Convenience

“Then you know I am planning how to take your queen.” She adjusted the blanket, pulling it up to her chin.

“My dear, you are my queen.”

And so, checkmate. “John, we certainly must talk. Pappa’s death has changed everything, but we need not rush into anything…into something we may end up regretting.”

“We agreed that if it became absolutely necessary, we would marry. Do you remember that conversation?” The sarcasm in his raised eyebrows was a palpable thing.

“As it was just yesterday, I recall enough to know we agreed not to marry unless it was unavoidable. I believe it is still avoidable.”

John leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. “What evidence do you possess to lead you to that conclusion? Because quite frankly, it eludes me.”

“John.” She stared up at the ceiling, wishing for the day to just end. “I do not wish to trap you into a marriage you do not want.”

“That I do not want?” Puzzlement in his voice, he came closer to the bed. “Have I ever said that I did not want to marry you? I would never have offered it had I not been ready to do so.”

He was avoiding the major issue, one he had brought up himself. “You told me you wished not for a marriage of convenience but a love match. Do you remember that part of the conversation?”

Face inscrutable, he gave a single nod.

“If we marry, I fear it will not be a love match for you, John.” She broke their gaze and turned her eyes up to the ceiling again. “I love you, but not…not the way you deserve to be loved by a wife.”

“My wishes and desires are now moot.” The dispassionate voice told her he was hurt. A familiar ploy of his in childhood. Indeed, they knew each other too well. “Your father’s death has removed a key part of your argument for guardianship of Anna. The sole way to remedy that is to obtain a husband to replace the missing male figure in your household. As I have already offered myself to serve in that capacity, I don’t see why we are still discussing it.”

She shot up into a sitting position. “We are discussing it because I will not trap you into an offer of a marriage you do not want but are too much of a gentleman to retract.” When he stepped forward, she put out a hand to ward him off. “Call your servants if you wish, I will sit up when I please, John.”

He sighed and shook his head. “Do you deny that your case for guardianship is now much weaker, and without your father’s presence, your petition will likely be rejected?”

“No, I do not deny it.” She was about to hurt him again, but best hurt now than live in agony. “What I deny is that I must marry you.”

His face paled, as though she had slapped him. He fought for control and finally pursed his mouth. “Received another offer of marriage, have you?”

Judith had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. “Actually, yes, I have.”

Astonishment widened his eyes and his jaw dropped. “From whom?”

“Lord Farringdon. When he called on me earlier to tell me of Pappa’s death, he asked me to marry him.”

“Well, the man wasted no time at all, did he?” John ground his jaw so hard it creaked.

“And you did?” Judith threw back the cover and pulled her legs over the edge to face him head on. “We only learned of Pappa’s death a few hours ago. You cannot disparage Miles for acting the same way that you have.”

“We have talked of our marrying for weeks, Judith. It is hardly the same thing at all. I asked you again today simply to reassure you that I was…I am ready and willing to keep my promise.” He blew out a breath and ran his hand over his face “However, if you have formed an attachment to Lord Farringdon, and he is willing to marry you, I certainly will not claim a prior contract with you.”

Judith hung her head. Why was nothing in her life ever simply cut and dried? “I haven’t formed an attachment to Miles. Not really. I am grateful for his care of me and of my father. I like and respect him. We are friends, I believe. Any tender feelings I might have for him, however, are nascent at best.” If she must make her decision now, then let her be perfectly honest with John. Perhaps she owed him that. “I have had some yearnings toward him, but I cannot say with any certainty they do not grow out of my gratitude to him for saving my life. I have no idea if true love can grow out of such esteem,” she looked up to find John staring at her intently, “or if love was even a factor in his proposal. That is the biggest drawback to his suit, in my opinion. I do not know him.”

“But you do know me, Judith.” John still stood apart from her, his manner now calm and distant. “We have known one another for most of our lives. As I said before, we know one another’s thoughts and reactions. I have to think that must outweigh your budding interest in Farringdon.”

“Yes, I do know you, John, but that’s a sword that cuts both ways.” If only she didn’t know him so well. “You have told me what your hope is for your next marriage, and I am terrified that if we wed, I will never be all that you desire.”

“Judith, how can you say that?” He dropped to his knees, peering directly into her face. “I will declare to you, here and now, that I love you. That I want nothing more than to marry you so I may be at your side, as your champion, for the rest of our lives.”

“But John,” she cupped his dear face, “what if I can never fully love you in return? I love you dearly as a friend, but not in the same manner as you profess. The manner that you deserve in a wife. Can that sort of love grow out of friendship? Do you know? You claim it didn’t in your first marriage. What if it does not in ours as well?”

He closed his eyes, as if searching within for an answer. After a moment, he opened them and took her hands. “If your love for me does not change, my dear, then I will accept whatever love you can give me. No matter your feelings, I will always think life will be better for us if we are together than if we are not. And I will pray earnestly every night that love will only grow and ripen between us.” He turned her hand over and kissed her palm.

A bolt of heat shot through her, nestling at the apex of her thighs, and she gasped. She could not imagine a kiss from Miles eliciting such a reaction. She would not need to be in love with John in order to desire to live with him as man and wife. Her desires had been rather evident to him already. Somehow, marrying John seemed right, whereas marriage to Miles held too many unknowns. Most women were never given such a clear choice in husbands. She had best choose wisely.

Cupping his chin, she drew his head up to gaze into her face. “Then, yes, John, I will marry you.”