Page 46 of What a Widow Wants

“You must have indeed been more discreet than most. I heard not a word bandied about you and him.” She sat unmoving, unblinking, her gaze trained solely on Fanny.

“After three months, I began to feel guilty about the lie we were living.” No need to tell her about her family’s deaths. That pain, at least, would remain private. “I wished to break it off, but Matthew wanted me to elope with him to Italy.”

“A very foolish notion. Neither of you would have ever been received in Polite Society again.”

“I told him that, but he did not wish to hear it. I feared he would become even more belligerent and challenge my husband to a duel. So I broke with him, refused to see him, and returned to my husband’s bed, trying to atone for my sins.” She wiped her streaming eyes, the pain she’d suffered in leaving Matthew almost more than she could bear to recall. “A month or so later I found I was with child. I’d no reason to think it Matthew’s. We’d been together for months and I hadn’t conceived, but as soon as I returned to my husband, I did. It seemed obvious it was Stephen’s. When she was born she had dark hair and blue eyes, but so do I. Others said they could see Stephen in her, so that is what I believed. I never saw Matthew again to compare them until this June.”

“When you did see him, I find it difficult to believe you weren’t struck by their resemblance.” If words could drip ice, these would.

“Seeing them together, it seems ludicrous that I did not see it. But again, after six years of believing one thing, why would I suddenly believe something different? Until I was faced with the undeniable proof.” Proof of her infidelity that anyone in Society would see whenever they were in public together. God, what could she do?

“You will have to tell him. He has a right to know she is his child.”

Inflexible words that were only the truth. “I know. I will.”

“Today? It might be best. If anyone sees them together, they will be bound to say something to him. And then it may go worse for you.” The unexpected flicker of pity from the countess took her by surprise.

“I have told him I am indisposed for the next few days, then we are to go to a house party in Kent next weekend. Perhaps it will be best to tell him there, in a different setting.” She’d never believed herself a coward, but she could not tell Matthew today. She must have a few more days of happiness before it all came crashing down. “I can keep him away from Ella until then.” What Matthew would say when she told him, she had no idea, save it would not be pleasant for her. Nor would the aftermath, for somehow she must find the strength to tell him and then to walk away from him yet again.

CHAPTER 19

The lengthy carriage ride to Kent through the crisp October air had been chilly, but Fanny had scarcely noticed, until she discovered her toes were numb when they stopped to change horses some hours into the journey. Instead, she’d been all consumed in devising when and how during Charlotte’s house party to tell Matthew that he was Ella’s real father.

If she were an optimistic ninny, she’d expect he would clap his hands and jump for joy to find the girl he’d thought the daughter of his rival was actually his own. And take pleasure in the fact that he had thoroughly cuckolded the man he’d been jealous of for so many years. Matthew might indeed feel smug and vindicated, but those would not be his initial reactions to the news, she feared. Fury, betrayal, and condemnation were more likely the first responses she would have to counter with assurances that she had not known the true circumstances of Ella’s birth.

In truth, had she known at the time she might very well not have told him. What good would it have done, save to incite him to challenge Stephen in the hopes of killing him so he could take his place as her husband. The scandal of that would have ruined them as surely as their eloping to the Continent. She’d been hard-pressed to make Matthew see reason on that front. Had there been a child to consider he would never have stopped trying to press for their marriage.

Now, however, even with the circumstances changed by Stephen’s death, the situation was fraught with peril. If Matthew could believe that she’d not been hiding Ella’s parentage from him on purpose, he’d likely still wish to marry her. And although she would love to do so, she must think of Ella’s future in all this. Anytime she was seen in public with Matthew, people would notice their resemblance. How could they miss it? Now that she’d seen it she could never un-see it. Talk would inevitably ensue. The ton would erupt with gossip about her and Matthew. Their affair all those years ago would come to light and the on-dits would fill the newssheets. It could become bad enough that they would not be received in some homes.

Theale and Lavinia had spoken of one such incident years ago, an acquaintance of Lavinia’s who had come to grief in a similar manner. The lady had taken a lover while still married and had borne a child who looked remarkably like its father. Lavinia had given Fanny to know that after it came out, as it must for the resemblance was so great, she had given the woman the cut direct and refused her entry to Theale House.

Dear God. What would happen to her if Lavinia or Theale found out? She couldn’t even begin to imagine their horror. Of course, Theale would likely insist she be removed from the house, although her settlements stipulated it remain her home until she married. Would she then need to marry Matthew in order to escape Theale’s retribution—and that retribution would be harsh she had no doubt—for bringing such scandal and shame onto his house? What a diabolical tangle she’d gotten herself into.

Worse than what might happen to Fanny, however, was what might happen to Ella. Legally, she would always be considered Stephen’s child as they had been married at the time of her birth. In the eyes of Polite Society, however, what if she were looked upon as no more than Matthew’s by-blow. What that might do to her social life, her ability to make friends, or her prospects for a good marriage Fanny had no idea. She’d often heard whispers about this child and that one being a “cuckoo” in the nest, but had paid relatively little attention to such things that obviously didn’t concern her. Pity she hadn’t been more attentive.

So not only did she need to tell Matthew he was Ella’s father, but she must make it clear that they could never marry and expose the girl to ridicule and a life of shame. The prospect of a life without Matthew could scarcely be borne, still she must be strong. She had tried to persuade herself that she could keep Ella and Matthew apart in public, easy enough to accomplish once Matthew had been apprised of the risks of their being seen together. However, upon further reflection, she’d come to the unfortunate conclusion that it was probable that people who saw Ella would, as Lady Lathbury had, see the resemblance between the two even if they weren’t together. And if she and Matthew married, the association between Ella and Matthew would already be in place.

Fanny had hit upon the suggestion of sending Ella away to boarding school abroad to return in ten years’ time. A quick Season and marriage and the scandal might not touch the girl very harshly. A possible plan, but one Fanny was loath to enact. Ella was the innocent one in all this turmoil. To have her sent away, as though it were her fault entirely, was wrong. The guilt was Fanny’s, almost entirely as she had initiated the affair with Matthew in the first place. It would be up to Fanny to bear the brunt of the pain caused by the remedy, although Matthew would suffer as well.

Oddly enough, once assured Fanny did not intend to keep Ella’s parentage from her son, Lady Lathbury had seemed unconcerned about the situation. She’d remarked that such things were not unknown in ton circles and though there might be some talk, there would likely be no lasting repercussions for Fanny or Ella. Fanny had gazed at her would-be mother-in-law, astounded by the declaration. The only reason for the countess to make such a patently false statement must be her motherly desire for Matthew to be happy by marrying the woman he loved. Such a sentiment seemed more and more unlikely every time she thought of it.

As the carriage pulled up before Lyttlefield Park, Fanny still had not decided when she would inform Matthew of these life-changing matters. In an effort not to spoil Charlotte’s party, perhaps she should wait a little. Savor her last moments together with Matthew. Experience his love one last time before learning how to live the rest of her life without him.

* * *

“Fanny, how lovely to see you. You look marvelous this afternoon.” Charlotte greeted her warmly with a hug as she entered the cozy drawing room. She’d gone straight to her room upon arrival and dressed in a new green silk gown with stripes of gold and maroon running through it. It truly became her well and she wanted to look especially good for Matthew.

“You are kind, Charlotte. Thank you so much again for inviting Lord Lathbury and me. He was still distraught that he could not attend last time.” Peering around the room she frowned. “Am I the first to arrive?”

“You are, although I believe you will have company in a few moments. I see Fisk approaching.” Her friend nodded toward the open door where the butler stood.

“Lord Lathbury, my lady.”

Fanny’s heart gave a funny beat, making her catch her breath. Matthew.

Elegantly attired in a plum-colored coat, striped waistcoat, and fawn-colored breeches, he filled the doorframe briefly, then doffed his gray silk hat and handed it to Fisk. “Lady Cavendish.” He smiled broadly and bowed. “My heartfelt thanks for inviting me this weekend. Allow me to in some way make up for my absence from your August party.”

“There is no need, my lord. I am so very pleased you could attend now. I think you know Lady Stephen?” Charlotte’s eyes laughed as she bowed and turned to greet other arrivals.