Page 49 of Knight’s Retribution

Sex? What they’d do, what they did before they took her from him was not sex, not even close. It was so so much deeper than that. The connection they’d shared… It was a fucking religious experience. That she refused to remember that or that it was easier for her to turn what they’d done together into something as trivial as sex, told him just how much she felt the need to protect herself, even from him.

And he should shut the fuck up and say nothing, but he couldn’t stop himself. “We would mate, Kyler. Mating is…I don’t have the words, only the ones my brothers have shared and they’ve all struggled to explain it. We wouldn’t be having sex. It’s not just fucking, baby, it’s more, in every conceivable way.”

Her expression shuttered, and she looked down. “Right.”

Gritting his teeth, he shoved his hands in his pockets. Did he want that? Fuck yes, but he’d told her repeatedly that he didn’t need it, that she was enough, and now he’d made her doubt that. He could see it in her hollow gaze. “Let’s not…we don’t need to talk about that. It’s not important—”

Her gaze sliced to him. “Not important? You expect me to believe that after the way you were just talking about it?” she said, looking lost. So fucking lost.

He planted his hands on his hips. “It’s not. Not right now. Maybe one day you’ll want to take it there, maybe not. I wasn’t lying to you, Ky, when I said all I need is you here with me and nothing else.”

She nodded, but she was hugging herself again, retreating. She didn’t believe him.

He couldn’t bear it. “Fuck, baby, I’m so sorry. All of this is my fault. I caused all of this. I wish I could go back in time…I wish—”

“Stop,” she said, squeezing her eyes shut tight. “No more guilt, Rocco. I can’t carry that as well as everything else. I’m not angry at you. And I know this sounds selfish, but I need you to keep that guilt to yourself while you’re working through it. I’m barely hanging on here. I’m not…I’m not strong enough. I don’t have the energy to keep giving you the forgiveness you need. It can’t come from me. You need to work out that you’re not to blame on your own.”

He rubbed a hand over his cropped hair, trying to swallow the fucking boulder in his throat. She was right, she didn’t need his guilt on top of everything else she was going through. He barely stopped himself from apologizing again. “Just…just tell me what you need from me, baby, and I’ll give it to you.”

“I don’t know what I need. That’s the problem.” She shook her head. “I can’t think, Rocco.”

Not being able to help her was fucking torture. “We don’t have to come up with all the answers right now. One day at a time, that’s how we’re going to do this. Eve, she was just like you, a Hell’s gate. She wore the amulet you’re wearing now, and it kept her safe until she and Lazarus…until they mated. It can be worn indefinitely.”

She nodded, but she’d closed herself off from him.

Kyler didn’t say much after that. He got them food, and they ate, watching TV, but he felt utterly fucking helpless.

Later, after she showered, she found one of his T-shirts to sleep in, even though he’d brought over her stuff from her old apartment, all her knickknacks and even her freestanding closet with her clothes. That she chose one of his shirts pleased the hell out of him.

But then she climbed into his bed and stayed so far away from him she was hugging the fucking edge.

Until she fell asleep.

As soon as she drifted off, she moved around restlessly, whimpering and moaning, fear coming through even in her sleep. Nightmares haunting her. He desperately wanted to pull her against him, but then she rolled toward him on her own.

Rocco put his hands behind his head again so he wouldn’t accidentally hold her in his sleep. As soon as she was against him, she calmed.

And she stayed there all night.

He felt her jolt awake when morning hit and pretended he was asleep when she quickly retreated to her side of the bed.

It wasn’t about him, he tried to remind himself, it was about Diemos. Even so, it was hard not to feel the sting. She used to stay wrapped around him all night, her smooth bare skin against his, and when they woke, she’d kiss him until they couldn’t wait another moment, and she’d straddle him and take him inside her.

Fuck, the way she’d look at him when she moved on top of him.

That’s what he missed—her eyes locked on his, the connection that fired between them. He had to find some other way to give that to her, to make her feel that connection to him again.

No fucking way was he going to let her give up on them.

Chapter 14

Kyler walked beside Rocco along corridor on the first floor of the compound. And she didn’t miss his glances down at her. Instantly, her nerves ratcheted right back up. She’d been here for almost a week. She’d met Meredith, Grace, and Luna, and today she’d meet Eve and Mia as well. They hadn’t wanted to overwhelm her.

But right now she was feeling the pressure.

Kryos’s, Chaos’s, and Gunner’s mates were really nice, lovely in fact. They’d welcomed her with open arms, a basket of yummy treats, several books, and offers to hang out whenever she wanted to.

Rocco glanced at her again.