Page 122 of The Plus One Pact

And, well—

I do like her—

And that makes things different.

"It's not a burden," I say. "I enjoy our evenings."

She presses her lips together. "But they're not exactly… what are they?"

It's a good question. I don't know. They're still transactional. Transactions are the only thing I understand, apparently. "Two people, enjoying their time together. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do."

"So, if you weren't in the mood to have sex, you'd say that?"

Not in the mood. What a strange thought. As if I ever consider whether or not I'm in the mood anymore.

I went straight from horny twenty-something to professional. As a college student, I rarely thought about how much I wanted sex. I took advantage of the opportunity for sex. I assumed, as a man, I must want it.

"Honestly?" I ask.

"You should never say, 'honestly.' People will always agree. No one is going to say, please lie to me."

That's fair. "Even so. Do you want a full explanation?"

She nods.

"I don't know that I'd recognize the feeling. I've been having sex, as a job, for a long time. Before that, I was young. I had sex because I wanted to, yes. But also because I thought I should. Because I was supposed to want sex with a beautiful woman. Because I was supposed to want sex when I wanted it. And I did want it all the time. It wasn't until it became work that I didn't. And now… I don't know how to untangle the two."

She studies my expression without judgment. Therapist mode. Or maybe that's what an interested partner looks like. It's not like I share.

"I'll try," I say. "To check in with myself. But I doubt it will be the situation. I find you very sexy."

Her cheeks flush.

"And the fact you're a professional too—it does something to me. Gives me this drive to prove myself to you. To connect on some other level that other people won't understand."

"What could I possibly know that you don't?" She laughs. "You've got all the hands-on experience."

"I bet you know all sorts of weird shit I don't."

"Probably."

"What about you?" I ask. "Does your job take over your thoughts of sex?"

"You keep turning it back to me. Do you realize that?"

"And you keep pulling out Doctor Vaughn."

She nods, accepting the accusation without offense. "It's still true. And I don't mean it as a competition, exactly. I am trying to share. It would be nice if you did, too. I’m not offering to go because I don’t like you. It’s because I do. Because I want this to work for you, and I just… I don’t know where I stand.”

“What do you want to know?”

“It would help if you showed me more honest parts of yourself. That's all."

"Do I seem dishonest?"

"Not exactly," she says. "It's more that you play this role. The suave professional. You play it in front of your family too, but a different flavor. I can tell there's a falseness… but I can't see what's under it."

"Whereas you're not afraid to reveal yourself."