Page 27 of Lord of the Lost

“We shall, Your Grace.”

~~~~~

The Duke and the Duchess emerged into the ballroom, arm in arm, and either by a happy coincidence or providence, the orchestra reached the end of their tune. People turned and greeted them, and soon this and that Lord wanted to speak with them, lest they seem less amiable. Presently the entire ballroom was engaged in speaking to the Duke and Duchess.

This was the first time that Mona had felt truly close to Devlin since their wedding. It was not just that they were in society with one another, arm in arm, as husband and wife and as Duke and Duchess. It was the intimacy of what she had said to him. She barely heard the speech of the lords and ladies for the thumping of her heart in her ears, the thumping which came with the words which had poured from her like boiling water from the spout of a pot.

She had not planned what she had said.

She simply had not been able to observe Devlin in a state of self-pity any longer. She had known, when she had entered the library, that she would challenge him, that she would do whatever it took, to cause him to react, to be truly present, here and now, rather than half still on a battlefield with the dying.

But she had not known, until she had opened her mouth, what it was that she would say.

“I feel fresher,” Devlin whispered the words to her, during a momentary pause in the flow of people appearing before them. “Perhaps that sounds puerile, but it is the truth. I feel as if I have been thoroughly cleansed, mind and body. Soul, even. Am I rambling or am I making sense?”

“You are making sense,” Mona assured him.

“Excellent.” Then, when no further people appeared before them, he directed her towards the dance floor. “Let us see if I remember my training!”

The dancers parted for the Duke and the Duchess.

~~~~~

Two days after the Ball, the last of the guests departed, and by late evening, everything in the Castle had returned to near normal. Mona and Devlin sat in the private parlour of their suite of rooms, delighting in the quiet. They were both attired in their night clothes, covered by a banyan in his case, and an elegant wrap in hers, sipping a warming drink. He looked around him, realising, in that instant, that he had not thought of the ghosts, or the horrors of war, for many hours. He felt warm, comfortable. It was odd, to feel so, and to look at his wife, and actually feel – he loved her, there was no question of it, and he was beginning, just beginning, to think that perhaps it might be possible to be worthy of her, if he put his every effort into it.

He set his glass down, and turned to her, bending over to press a kiss to her lips. She set her glass down without watching what she was doing, then reached up and slipped her arm around his neck, responding to his kiss, deepening it. The warmth he had been feeling intensified. After some minutes, they drew apart. And in that moment, Devlin realised that he did not know what to do next. He would not press himself upon her, and with that thought, all of his old uncertainty returned, as if a grey wave of the lost had surrounded him, whispering that he did not deserve to be among the living, if they were not.

“We should retire, Mona, and rest – this has been a very busy few weeks.”

He rose as he spoke, half turning towards the door to his bedchamber, but she reached out and grasped his hand, pulling him back towards her. He met her eyes.

“Devlin, come to my bed. Don’t just kiss me, and leave me here – there is no reason for us to be apart, unless you intend to withdraw from me again, unless your courage is failing you?”

The words felt like a slap to his face. He had vowed to himself that he would not be a coward, that he would face life with the same courage that he had faced battle – and he did not intend to fail in his commitment to that vow. Still, it would be so easy to slip back into the greyness, where nothing hurt, nothing was difficult, because he felt nothing. He pushed that temptation away – when he had asked Mona to meet him, that fateful night which had led to their marriage, he had wanted to feel, had wanted her to make him feel. And she had – so why was he backing away from it?

“I do not wish to withdraw. But are you sure? You have been so busy…”

She pulled herself to her feet, and leant against him, her arms encircling him. Then she lifted her head with a smile, and laughed softly.

“It may have been tiring, the planning and the actuality of the Ball, but I enjoyed it. And I am not so tired that I would wish to sleep alone.”

He kissed her again, part of him still stunned that she could want him, with his scars, and the ease with which the war invaded his reactions. Then he let her lead him into her bedchamber. At first, he felt awkward, and simply stood as she undid the wrap and let it fall onto a chair, then climbed into the bed. She pointed at the space beside her, and he shook himself out of his uncertainty, removed his banyan, and went to join her. Even so, when she reached for him, he half resisted the movement, the habit of distance was so strong, the demands of the lost so loud in his mind. Mona made a little huff of annoyance, then forcibly turned his face until he met her eyes. Hers were full of love, concern – and almost amusement.

“Devlin, you are here, alive, you are not one of the lost. Stay with me, live, love me - don’t retreat into the grey nothing of the lost. I love you, and I want you, here, truly here, always.”

It was as if fire bloomed in his heart, warmth filling him, pushing the ghosts away. Inside, in his thoughts, he looked at them, truly looked at them, and demanded that they leave him be, that they adjust to not being alive, for he had nothing more to give them.

Mona waited, her hand on his cheek, and then, something happened, which he had not thought possible.

The ghosts faded – the army of the lost accepted his orders, and released him. He waited until there was no longer any sign of them, no grey barrier between him and the world, no coldness at all, then he cupped Mona’s cheek in his own hand.

“Then I will be here. I choose life, and love. I choose you, forever.”

They came together in another kiss, full of passion, lacking any hesitation and doubt, a declaration of the choice they had made, together.

~~~~~

Mona woke slowly, memory of the previous night rushing back in, as soon as she realised that she was cradled in Devlin’s arms.