Page 94 of Yearning Difficulties

‘Yes. Because you saw what happened in that ballroom. That’s what it will be like, Zella. It will always be like that. They won’t play by the same rules as you. It all has to belong to them. And you’ll tell yourself that if you don’t bother anyone, they won’t bother you. But that’s not how it is for us. You. Me. Killian. We bother them just by existing in our peace. Our acceptance. So I get it. You want to be free of all that. Trust me. If I could work out how to hide it as well as you do, I would.’

I allowed her words to take the tinted glasses from my eyes. To consider that the answer to my question would inevitably usher in a whole host of new ones. ‘Okay. I hear you.’

‘Great, now we can talk about me and the terrible, awful wrongs that were done to me.’

‘I mean, you’re talking with humour but that was one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen.’

Her guard was up. I could see she wasn’t going to let anyone know her true feelings about the whole thing. ‘Nice to know I’ve been living in Sterling’s head, rent-free and with a view to die for.’

‘Yup.’

‘But that, as you will know or will come to know, is the autistic femme’s lot in life. People project onto you. They can’t read you so they start guessing at translation. And they’re rarely right. They tell themselves all kinds of stories that aren’t true because your body language won’t do it for them.’

‘And her story on you was what?’

‘That I’m somehow after her boyfriend.’

‘Not true?’

Cherry gave me an outraged look. ‘I don’t even know the guy.’

‘Seems like he wants to know you.’

‘They all want to know me at first. It wears off. Trust me. It always wears off, in the end.’

She was so blasé. ‘If you say so.’

‘But don’t worry. I’ll get them back.’

There was something dangerous in her voice. Something that told me not to doubt what she said. ‘What?’

She gave me a serene smile. ‘I. Will. Get. Them. Back.’

I shivered. I couldn’t help it.

‘So,’ she said, changing the subject. ‘You’re still in love with my cousin.’ A statement of fact.

‘No!’

‘Hey, you and I may not be overly gifted in the department of reading minds and predicting other people’s behaviour without a solid foundation built on recognized patterns. But I can spot pining and you are a whole cone.’

I arched an eyebrow. ‘A pine cone?’

‘You. That’s you. Pining for my weird cousin.’

‘Funny.’

‘I’m serious. Why don’t you tell him?’

I hesitated before answering, glancing around at the arena we were sitting in. ‘I don’t know. I have this instinct. Telling me to keep quiet. Don’t know why it’s there or where it came from.’

‘It’s self-preservation. Your heart not wanting to get hurt. But this is the game, Zee. No reward without risk.’

‘He likes Claire.’

Cherry spluttered, almost spitting on me. ‘The fuck he does.’

‘He told me!’