Page 90 of Yearning Difficulties

I remembered all of it. It flowed in a hurried, downwards stream because the dam had finally given way.

Max.

Her parents moving her to the city because it was easier for her to get help. The quotes wouldn’t come to her mind as easily once the chemotherapy started. Because when you love someone with cancer, you both find strength you didn’t know existed and at the same time, the weakness knocks you down.

I remembered my stubbornness. My denial. I remembered the bartering. I would have traded anything. I was willing to walk into the underworld, promise to never look back. As long as I could walk her out of there. I’d never ask for anything ever again. I’d never need another friend. Max was enough.

My heart had been set. Only Death would be allowed to come between us and I wouldn’t let him near her. I’d carry her if I had to. I’d carry all of it.

Suddenly the dark cocoon felt like an oubliette. I would always end up back here. Hiding in the dark because nature had decided to take away my ability to get close to people. The one person who’d seen me . . .

‘Help.’

I could barely say the word. I tried the handle of the closet but it was stuck and the lock was jammed.

‘Help!’

I was trapped. Trapped in this state of otherness. Floating above humans that looked like me, wondering why I couldn’t be like them. Why I couldn’t rewrite my own story.

‘Help me!’

I didn’t expect anyone to hear. I’d been in the dark for two years and learned to trust my own tiny light. I’d do it alone, I was always alone, I could do anything alone. It was my default setting. Thank you, brain. Thank you for this strength I never asked for.

‘Zella!’

My eyes shot open. Killian’s frantic voice was on the other side of the door, deep and full of fear. ‘Killian?’

‘Zella, I’m getting you out. Hold on! Just hold on, okay?’

I was tired of holding on. I’d been holding on to everything for two years and now it was coming out like an open, bleeding wound.

‘Killian, you have to break her out of there.’

Cherry. Cherry’s terrified voice.

‘Zella?’ Killian again. ‘Move back as far as you can, baby. I’m breaking the door in.’

I pushed back against the wall. He was coming for me. No one ever did. No one ever had.

His foot against the wood of the door made a loud, ugly sound. I flinched at the strength of it but then it came again. He was kicking the door with so much force, it gave way within seconds. When light flooded the shadows I’d forced myself into, I had milliseconds to take in the absurd image that met me.

A scarecrow, Killian. Cherry, a girl in a slip. Chris painted silver, the Tin Man. Anderson in a lion costume.

All of them peering into the darkness, looking terrified.

For me. They’d come to get me.

Killian’s face was so full of love and worry, it broke something in me. I felt myself weeping uncontrollably.

‘I hate Halloween,’ I choked out. ‘Because Max is dead.’

While the others stared in confusion, Killian acted instantly. He fell to his knees in front of me and I was wrapped up in him before I could even finish speaking. He was whispering comforting things into my ear as my mouth opened in a silent scream.

‘Oh, my God,’ Cherry murmured, her eyes too empathetic for me to look into. Her hand shot up to cover her mouth. ‘Zella.’

‘Leave us alone,’ Killian told the others. ‘Leave me with her. Keep everyone away from her.’

‘I couldn’t get to her,’ I howled. ‘She was waiting but I was too late.’