Page 87 of Yearning Difficulties

‘Hey,’ Killian said. He smiled down at me. The corners of his eyes crinkled slightly and for once, I wasn’t glancing around for Claire. I didn’t care. And maybe that made me a horrible girl. Maybe that meant I was a monster. But I couldn’t make myself care. ‘Told you I’d always be here. When this song plays.’

‘Ghost’ continued on, slow and sultry, and I couldn’t remember any of the things we’d fought or overthought about. I wanted to press my face into his neck and feel the faint stubble on his chin against my face.

‘Hey,’ I said. I took in his costume. ‘You’re the Scarecrow? From The Wizard of Oz?’

He grinned down at me. ‘Well, he was Dorothy’s favourite.’

I felt his hand stroking my cheek. ‘He was always mine, too.’

He reached down to take my hands in his before placing them around his neck. He settled his fingers on my hips and we swayed as the singer gently crooned. While some couples around us were stiff, their arms stretched out like mummies, I pressed myself against his whole body, my cheek resting on the lapel of his costume. I felt his nose in my hair and I closed my eyes.

Claire would have him for the rest of the year. Maybe for ever, because I got the impression Killian didn’t do things half-assed. Whenever he got over whatever weird anxiety was keeping him from making it official with her, they would become an item and I would be pushed to the periphery. She would have hundreds of nights like this.

I just wanted one.

I’d spent my life watching other people be human. I wanted to feel it for myself.

‘Zella,’ he murmured, his lips brushing my ear. ‘I have things I need to explain.’

‘Don’t,’ I said quietly. ‘Not right now, not tonight.’

‘Please.’

‘I’ve been thinking. More and more, about the fight we had in English class.’

I felt him give a regretful sigh. ‘I shouldn’t have done any of that, Red.’

‘Maybe I’m being too hard on Cyrano,’ I said, so only he could hear. ‘Maybe it’s better to live in the in-between, you know. If you tell someone you love them and they don’t feel the same, it changes things for ever. Maybe he’s right to watch from the sidelines. It’s enough for him. Like you said. It’s a dull, aching pain instead of a completely broken heart.’

His arms tightened around me and it felt as though everyone else in the room had disappeared.

‘I guess,’ I spoke against his heart, ‘he can’t bear the idea of losing his friend. Better to die slowly.’

‘Zella.’ I could hear the torment in his voice and I hoped he understood what I was trying to tell him, in my own garbled way. ‘I need to explain everything to you. I’ve fucked this all up, trying to communicate the way an allistic would. Should’ve just been me the whole time. I’ve made all this so much more complicated than it needs to be.’

That was true but I shushed him. ‘I just want to be with my friend right now. Please.’

The song ended and people around us started to applaud. Neither of us moved.

I knew in that moment, as he held me, that I’d never stop loving him.

Lake Pristine was such a seasonal town. When autumn drew to a close, people would eagerly and joyfully move on to winter preparations. The last season was always left behind and forgotten.

I would never move on from him.

I would never leave him behind like leaves that needed to be swept up or buried under newly fallen snow. If we only had this Halloween night, with leering pumpkins and candles burning down to their ends, I would become a ghost. I would haunt this one memory instead of letting it haunt me. It would live in my mind like a song on repeat.

‘Well, I have some exciting news.’

The sound of an older woman’s voice caused me to open my eyes. She was speaking into the bandleader’s microphone. I recognized her as one of the town committee members. Killian held on to me as I turned my face towards the stage, waiting to hear the rest of her proclamation.

‘We have a team who claim they’ve completed the scavenger hunt!’ she cried.

People made sounds of appreciation and there was a smattering of applause. I still didn’t move and neither did he. I didn’t care about the scavenger hunt. I didn’t care about anything except him and the two of us in the middle of the dance floor.

‘Young lady,’ the older woman said.

I looked again and realized she was talking to Sterling Cavendish, who was holding a broomstick and standing with Ashley Reynolds, Cherry’s stepsister, and Logan Minola. Dave was there, too. The two boys looked slightly on edge and Ashley was also visibly nervous.