Page 73 of Yearning Difficulties

Chris gave her a censorious shake of his head and I wondered how much Killian had told him.

I was about to ask when Cherry nodded her head towards the canteen entrance. ‘Speak of the devil and he shall appear.’

Killian marched into the room, looking worse for wear but in an annoyingly handsome way. His dark hair was tousled and there were circles under his eyes. He wore a well-worn dark blue Ralph Lauren knit and a faded pair of jeans. He didn’t cast any of us a single glance as he scooped up his tray and waited in line for food.

I watched from the corner of my eye as he collected his lunch but I wasn’t the only one.

Claire Monk was hovering near the end of the line, holding her own tray of food. She hopped from one foot to the other, eagerly waiting for Killian to notice her. She had short, mousy hair that didn’t grow beyond the bottom of her ears and she dressed like someone much younger than eighteen.

I mentally slammed a door against that line of thought. It was catty and beneath me. Claire Monk was nice! Her parents both taught at the lower school and she could often be seen around Lake Pristine helping volunteers with litter-picking.

I watched as Killian exited the line with his lunch and I saw, a premature ache in my heart, the moment he noticed Claire. But he offered up nothing but a polite smile. One that didn’t even meet his eyes.

She took advantage of the connection, however, not caring it was lukewarm. She crossed the space between them and said something inaudible, smiling brightly. He gave a civil nod and started to leave, clearly through with the interaction, but she said something to his departing back. Whatever it was, he turned around and replied. Shrugging one shoulder as he did, with a kind of nonchalance I’d never seen in him before.

The whole interaction was baffling.

‘Maybe don’t stare quite so openly,’ Cherry whispered to me with a knowing smile.

I scowled and turned back to my food. I felt the mood shift as Killian approached and when he sat down next to Anderson, directly across from me, I forced myself to look up.

His eyes seared into mine with all of the night before still in them.

He made me want to fight and apologize and do other things that I didn’t want to think about.

He masked whatever he was feeling when he looked away from me, addressing the rest of the group. ‘Okay if Claire sits with us today?’

‘Yes,’ I said enthusiastically, when the others just stared in bemusement.

Killian’s face darkened at my tone but Claire, who’d been lingering listlessly a few feet away, took the empty seat on my left with visible appreciation. I offered her a genuine smile. I knew exactly how difficult it was to try to integrate with a friend group that didn’t really want you and I wouldn’t have wished it on anyone.

I’d been in her shoes last year. I would never treat her the way Sterling and her friends had treated me.

‘Hi, Claire,’ I said, smiling favourably. It was that strange thing: knowing someone by osmosis, because you lived in the same town and had gone to school together for years. But we’d never really spoken. ‘Good weekend?’

Her eyes widened at my courtesy. ‘Yes, thanks. You? Oh, God, no. You almost got killed by that horse.’

I laughed. ‘Correct.’

‘I saw the whole thing,’ Claire went on, her eyes darting between me and Killian. There was an unasked question in her words. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine—’

‘She’s not fine, actually,’ Killian said, interjecting before I could brush away her neutral concern. ‘She must have hit her head quite badly. She was saying all kinds of weird stuff afterwards.’

I glowered at him. ‘That’s enough, Kill. She won’t know you’re joking.’

‘Is it true the two of you are broken up now?’

The unapologetically blunt question came from Cherry and it made everyone in the group fall into an awkward silence. I glanced at Chris and Anderson, both of whom were staring at their trays. They, of course, knew about the scheme but I’d forgotten that, to Cherry, it had seemed real. We hadn’t trusted her with our secret.

‘Yes,’ I said softly. ‘Better as friends.’

Killian made a scoffing sound. ‘Sure.’

I gave him a warning glare. ‘Glad you agree.’

‘What a cosy little lunch this is turning out to be,’ Cherry said calmly, nudging my ribs in a way that told me she wasn’t enjoying the neurotypical doublespeak and that she wanted the truth from me later.