Page 67 of Yearning Difficulties

‘Claire Summers or Claire Monk?’

I knew the answer already. Claire Monk had been watching Killian and me for some time now.

‘Claire Monk. She’s in my History class.’

She was nice. I knew very little of her, but what I did know I liked. She was timid and shy but in a way I found charming. I’d noticed her at the last couple of shows at the faire and I remembered how she’d watched us in Brooks Books. And on the beach.

I wanted to be a friend to him. After everything. So I smiled.

‘That’s great, Kill. I’m really happy that’s all starting to work out for you.’

It sounded completely convincing, even to me, and yet his face filled with darkness. He stalked towards me and when he spoke, it was with the same sharp tongue that had argued with me at the cast supper.

‘Don’t do that, Zella.’

I gaped at him. ‘Excuse me?’

‘Don’t come here and bullshit me.’

‘I’m not bullshitting you, Kill,’ I said firmly. ‘I want you to be happy!’

‘Oh, really?’

‘Yes! I know we had a messy ending to our strange, fake . . . thing. But you’re my friend and I want you—’

‘If you want me to be happy, Red – truly happy? – stay away from me. Because you make me miserable.’

His words hurt. He must have realized that as soon as they were out. I watched a modicum of regret pass over his tormented face before he shook it away and released a growl of frustration.

‘Claire Monk is nice,’ he said sternly. ‘She’s safe. She’s sweet. She comes to watch the show and she—’

‘She’s your Mystery Girl,’ I finished for him. ‘The kindest person you’ve ever met. Got it. Enough said.’ I examined him openly, wondering why he was so wound up about it all. ‘I understand, Killian. I’m happy for you.’

He made a choked noise as he stared at me. ‘You really mean that, don’t you? You’ve got no idea.’

I frowned at him. ‘Of course I mean it, Kill. You’ve done me a huge favour these last few weeks. I might get into Mapesbury because of you. I never wanted to drag you down or get in your way. I hope you get everything you want.’

I meant it. He was one of my favourite people. I’d started to feel him taking permanence in me, even if that fact alarmed me at times. Only my family and Max had ever been there. Years could go by and I would still feel an invisible tether to them. It had been so long since I’d seen Max’s face but I knew when I saw her again, it would be as if no time had gone by.

Killian was now a part of that, too.

I tried to convey that through my eyes as I looked up at him. He was breathing heavily, still vibrating with emotion and I wanted to make it better.

‘I know I say the wrong thing sometimes,’ I said. ‘I know I’m not the best with words unless they’re written down. But please, Kill, I’d never want you to be unhappy. You’re my friend, you always will be. I want you to get everything your heart desires. I’m sorry I’m not better at making you feel that – it’s my fault. I’m not . . . I’m not good at that sort of thing.’

He made a pained sound and took my face in his large hands. He tilted my head up so we were looking at each other with only a few inches between us.

‘You’re perfect. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing! You’re so enough and I don’t ever want to hear you apologize for the way you are ever again. Never, Zella.’

I was shocked by his sincerity. ‘That was almost poetic, Kill.’

He smiled dejectedly. ‘Almost.’

He was still holding my face as I pressed both of my open palms against his chest. ‘I meant it, Kill. The only time you’ve come close to letting down your guard is when you talk about Claire. It’s beautiful. I’m happy for you.’

He closed his eyes. ‘Zella.’

‘You’ve told me over and over again that she doesn’t know you exist,’ I pointed out, shoving aside all personal feelings of unexplainable grief and focusing on my friend. ‘But she does, Kill. I’ve seen her in the stands at the faire when I’m on princess duty. She comes to watch you. This is your time. You should be like Chris and go get the one you want. I’m rooting for you.’