Page 33 of Yearning Difficulties

I suddenly felt like crying. ‘I agree.’

‘Which can turn even the softest soul into a cynic.’

‘I’m sorry, Christian,’ I breathed. ‘Everyone keeps telling me this is the best time in our lives, but it feels . . . lonely. Like I’m a time traveller that’s got stuck.’

Priya knocked quietly on the glass and I blinked sleepily before reading her unspoken cue. ‘Hold that thought, everyone. Sorry for getting very sappy on all of you. Switching to a track. We’ll see if anyone else feels like talking afterwards. Thank you, Christian. Seriously.’

As soon as the mic cut out and the music played, I said directly to Chris, ‘Stay on the line!’

There was a pause. Then, ‘I’m here, Zella.’

‘That was amazing,’ I told him, overcome.

‘No, not really,’ he replied, his voice uneasy. ‘I sort of, hold on to everything and it needs to come out occasionally. School is for the brain and the ego. Not the heart.’

‘You really love this person?’ I asked. A part of me ached with envy. I didn’t think anyone would ever feel such things about me.

‘I do. Always will. It’s not like the crushes I had in junior school. Or the first person I went out with at summer camp. It’s different. It’s this sort of, quiet, earth-shattering thing. Life becomes a waiting room when they’re not with me.’

‘Chris, you’ve got to come up to the studio!’

‘No!’ he said abruptly. ‘Sorry, I . . . I can’t talk like this in front of other people. And it’s nice, you know? To speak from the heart for once.’

‘But you just did this on school radio! And you’re . . . you’re so bubbly and friendly with everyone.’

‘Oh.’ It was like this was his first time being told so. ‘Yes. I guess I am.’

‘You don’t feel like you can tell them how you feel?’

‘No. Never. They’re not the sort to laugh. They’re not the kind to roll their eyes. They’re different to everyone. Like me, I suppose. They take feelings seriously. If I told them . . . they’d pity me.’

‘Why are you so sure they don’t feel the same?’

He laughed, a little bitterly. ‘Because they . . . they can’t see this part of me. And it’s not their fault. I don’t let them see it. It’s hidden behind . . . behind a type of mask, I guess. If I were braver, I’d let them see it. No matter the outcome.’

‘Everything you’ve said is perfect. Literally the most perfect things, Chris.’

‘Maybe. But I’m not. Got it in writing. Except, when I’m with them, all of those judgements go away. I feel my most true self. I feel completely natural. And I’m so used to feeling unnatural. To seeming unnatural. And they’re the only person to make me feel like part of the human race.’

‘Chris,’ I said. ‘Thank you. You’ve restored my faith in the world. I really want to hug you. And I hope you get everything you want. I hope your person was listening.’

There was a shaky breath on the other end of the call. ‘Thank you, Zella.’

We hung up. I finished the broadcast by reading out a notice from the film club and then dumped my headphones, still completely overcome with shock.

‘I think you’re dating the wrong brother,’ Priya said as we signed out of the studio.

I laughed. ‘Priya, you know Christian is gay? God. I had no idea he was so . . .’

‘Poetic?’

‘I mean, yeah!’

We smiled at each other and then laughed. I realized this was the first time we’d been truly alone since the breakup. Priya seemed aware of this too, and she glanced down at her feet.

‘Listen, Zee . . . I’m sorry. I know Dave and the group are being really shitty to you. Sterling, too. She was never your biggest fan.’

‘It’s fine. Comes with the change in social status, I guess.’